If You Give a Mom a Coffee

If you give a mom a coffee, she's going to ask if you're an angel from Heaven or a vivid hallucination caused by sleep deprivation.
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If you give a mom a coffee, she's going to ask if you're an angel from Heaven or a vivid hallucination caused by sleep deprivation.

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When you give her a gaping blank stare, she'll probably yell, "Oh my God we're LATE!"

When she's finished her coffee, it's only because she has been interrupted 14 times and called it quits at four gulps.

Then she'll want to look in the hamper for everyone's clothes today.

When she looks in the hamper, she might notice her cell phone, keys, a tampon, a fistful of Goldfish and everything else the toddler hid in there.

She'll probably ask if this is a f*cking joke.

When she's finished deep sighing, she'll yell at everyone to get dressed.

She'll start weeping.

She might get carried away and weep in every room in the house. She might even end up washing the floors in her tears. When she's done, she'll probably want a nap.

AS IF!

You'll have to fix up a little pile of laundry, made mostly of odd socks because it's like socks only come as singles now. She'll flop on top, make herself comfortable.

Then you'll probably ask her to read you a story. So she'll hand you her phone and mumble for you to watch Daniel Tiger "or whatever."

When you watch the phone, you'll get so excited you'll want to jump up and down and scream. So she'll take you to the playground until you start wailing that it's time for dinner.

She'll stagger home to make you a dinner... that you won't touch.

Looking at the refrigerator will remind her that she is thirsty.

So... she'll pour a glass of wine. And chances are... If she pours a glass of wine, she's going to want a coffee tomorrow morning.

Kate Levkoff is a cohost of the foul-mouthed, hilariously honest parenting podcast Nursing and Cursing. Find her at nursingandcursing and on Instagram,
Twitter, iTunes.