If You Want Great Sex, Think Like a Lesbian

It's bad news right from the start. Just check out the title -- "15 ways to turn a good girl bad: Six sexperts suggest 15 ways to make her great in bed (without her even noticing)."

So, let me get this straight. Being bad in bed is equal to being a good girl and being good in bed makes you a bad girl and you have to "make" her good in bed without her noticing? Because... She couldn't or wouldn't want to do it on her own?

I could write a whole essay just responding to that incredibly offensive and disempowering titled. But there's so much more to get to here. And if I was a guy, I would be hopping mad about this crappy "advice," because I'm mad enough as a girl who sleeps with girls for all of us.

Here are some of the real peaches in this charming piece.

"If she's too gentle. 'Place your hand on top of hers, finger against finger, to guide her when she's giving you a hand job... Be firm and keep going until you're done so that she can replicate the experience next time.'"

Ew. So you're basically jacking yourself off using her hand? I mean if she says, "Hey, honey, show me around down there!" then that's great. But if not, take a page from the lesbian playbook and communicate.

If you want her to do something differently, just say so. "I love a firmer touch. Want to give it a whirl or could I show you how?" That's called communication and enthusiastic consent.

It gets grosser, of course. "'If she's going down on you, take her hand and show her how to use it as she sucks you... Many women think it's all about the mouth, not realizing how much easier -- not to mention quicker -- the whole 'job' can be using hands as well.'

Why does it need to be easier? And what's with the "job" in quotes thing? If she doesn't like doing it and she wants it to be over, then it's not that she should be doing it more efficiently, it's that she shouldn't be doing it at all.

Again, take it from a lesbian who loves pussy. I don't eat out just for her pleasure. I do it for mine too. If a woman isn't into giving a guy a blow job, she simply shouldn't be giving him a blow job. No short cuts required.

And it gets so much worse. "If her tunnel of love doesn't feel as snug as you'd like, sign her up for a pilates course." Sign her up? Seriously? And will he be taking that "Stop being an asshole and masturbating yourself with your partner's hand" class? What guys are listening to this? None of the ones I love and respect.

A woman's body is not created for a man's pleasure. At all. Period. In no way. Under any circumstances. If you choose to have sex with someone, you are enthusiastically consenting to sharing the bodies you both have and enjoying them as you both see fit.

You are not agreeing to change your body or learn to do circus tricks. Any guy who signs you up for Pilates should get moving before the door hits him in the ass. We don't have to fix ourselves for anyone, because we are not broken.

Maybe it's because we have the same equipment as one another or maybe it's because being "tight" is of no concern. But regardless, think lesbian before you think about condemning your partner's body. In other words, if you had those parts, would you want someone saying that to or about you? Or trying to trick you into changing for their own sake and nothing more?

And I love this one. "DON'T PUT OUT" the heading reads. Perfect. Nothing like passive aggressive mind games to "trick" someone into wanting you. "'Stop asking and you may find her sexual appetite gets the better of her.'" Or, more likely, she'll get closer to her vibrator or a sexually mature partner who doesn't play games and he'll be searching for a new partner to trick into pleasuring him.

Again, if you put your lesbian hat on, you won't do this kind of nonsense. Yeah, we girls might over-process. But we get that shit out on the table and do our best to leave the games for the softball field. Sorry. Couldn't resist.

"If she's shy, tires easily on top (or she just doesn't fancy you), turn her around to face your feet, keeping your legs together." This is "less strenuous" according to the "expert" quoted here.

I'm sorry. If she doesn't "fancy" you, you should "turn her around." So she can think about another guy? So you can think about another girl who does "fancy" you? And again with the "less strenuous." If you don't want one another and sex is "too much work" I have much simpler advice - DON'T HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

By the way, she is not an inanimate object. New positions can be great -- IF you talk about them and play with them as a couple because you both think they'd be fun. Not because you wish you were sleeping with other people or because "this sex thing is too hard." Come on, people!

No self-respecting lesbian would treat another women like an object because she wouldn't want to be treated like one. Time to think like a lesbian again. You might not mind being objectified. But no self-respecting woman I know likes it. So don't do it. And if you don't want her, don't fuck her. Period.

Then things get so much worse that it was all I could do to not start this piece with these gems.

"'Getting her to the level of orgasm can be a hard slog'... So stage your own industrial revolution and bring some machinery to bed." A hard slog? Really? Juggling over-stuffed bags of groceries in your arms five blocks in the rain to get to your house when all the parking spots were full is a hard slog. But sex?

If it seems hard, you're doing it wrong. It should seem fun and exciting and maybe even challenging -- in a good way. But it should never, ever, ever feel like a "hard slog." If you think it's taking her too long, then you don't know enough about women's bodies and their orgasms.

Here's the thing, men don't have to have sex with women if they don't like it. But I've never met a woman interested in having sex with a man who is interested only in his own orgasm. So, if anything other than the guy getting off feels like a "hard slog," he can get himself a masturbation sleeve. No reciprocation required.

I have never -- I repeat never -- felt like facilitating another woman's orgasm was too much work. Never. If you do, leave her be for someone who would be happy to take up the cause.

"'In the past few decades, women have learnt that orgasms, like voting and equal pay, are their right'... This tide of female emancipation has led to a 'princess-and-the-pea syndrome' -- her "pea" gets all the attention, while everything else gets sidelined. 'The pea's demands will eclipse those of your penis, ... So stand up for your rights, man!"

Eclipse your penis? Stand up for your rights? Who are these men that these "experts" are speaking to? This is some of the ugliest, most dangerous language I've heard in terms of sex in a long time.

It's not a competition of men versus women. Her orgasm versus yours. Lesbians are certainly lucky in that respect. There is no assumption that it's penetration till one partner comes and the other is out of luck. With no assumptions, there's a lot more freedom. And as that lovely, recent study proved -- a lot more orgasms.

Forget this advice. Think like a lesbian. Trust me.

Also on The Huffington Post:

  • 1 Megan Fox
    In a 2011 <a href="http://www.esquire.com/women/women-we-love/megan-fox-pics-0609" target="_blank">Esquire</a>&nbsp;interview
    AP
    In a 2011 Esquire interview, Megan Fox confirmed her bisexuality, stating, "I think people are born bisexual and then make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I'm also a hypocrite: I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I'd never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man."
  • 2 Billie Joe Armstrong
    The Green Day front man&nbsp;opened up about his sexuality in a 1995 interview with <a href="http://theadvocate.com/" target=
    AP
    The Green Day front man opened up about his sexuality in a 1995 interview with The Advocate: "I think I've always been bisexual. I mean, it's something that I've always been interested in. I think everybody kind of fantasizes about the same sex. I think people are born bisexual, and it's just that our parents and society kind of veer us off into this feeling of 'Oh, I can't.' They say it's taboo. It's ingrained in our heads that it's bad, when it's not bad at all. It's a very beautiful thing."
  • 3 Margaret Cho
    Comedian Margaret Cho has long been open about her sexuality. In August 2013, Cho <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mar
    AP
    Comedian Margaret Cho has long been open about her sexuality. In August 2013, Cho discussed the semantics surrounding her open marriage to artist Al Ridenour, saying that she's "technically not able to stay with one person sexually because I’m bisexual,” and joking that she just “can’t stop up that hole.” She also identifies as queer, and opened up about her sexuality in an interview with HuffPost Gay Voices Editor-At-Large Michelangelo Signorile.
  • 4 Clive Davis
    Twice-married record executive and music mogul Clive Davis <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/clive-davis-bisexual-_n_27
    AP
    Twice-married record executive and music mogul Clive Davis came out as bisexual in his 2013 memoir, The Soundtrack Of My Life. Davis opened up about two long-term relationships he had with men after his divorce from his second wife.
  • 5 Anna Paquin
    Anna Paquin is adamantly open about her bisexuality. The actress<a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/anna-paquin-bisexuali
    Getty
    Anna Paquin is adamantly open about her bisexuality. The actress told "Zooey" magazine in a 2009 interview, "For me, it’s not really an issue because I’m someone who believes being bisexual is actually a thing. It’s not made up. It’s not a lack of decision."
  • 6 Megan Mullally
    After telling The Advocate in 1999 that she was bisexual, Mullally clarified her statements in an <a href="http://www.queerty
    AP
    After telling The Advocate in 1999 that she was bisexual, Mullally clarified her statements in an interview with Queerty, telling the blog: "I said that I thought that everybody is innately bisexual. I think there are different levels of awareness attached to that, so I may believe that everybody is innately bisexual, but somebody who is very homophobic may not see that quality in themselves in any way, shape or form. That’s on a very philosophical or even metaphysical level, you know what I mean? It’s not something that I think people are ready for yet. I think if you ask the average guy on the street if he was innately bisexual, he’d be like, ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ and then he’d punch you in the face. So, we’re not quite there."
  • 7 Azealia Banks
    The rapper has been <a href="http://www.rollingstone.com/music/blogs/thread-count/azealia-banks-on-why-the-c-word-is-feminine
    Getty
    The rapper has been openly bisexual since the early days of her career: "I mean, I'm bisexual, so it makes sense. But I don't want to be that girl who says all gays necessarily hang out together, of course! I have people say to me, 'Oh wow, my friend is gay, too,' and I'm like, 'Yeah, so?'"
  • 8 Andy Dick
    Many people mistakenly assume that Andy Dick identifies as gay. However, he told <a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dy
    AP
    Many people mistakenly assume that Andy Dick identifies as gay. However, he told The Washington Post in a 2006 interview that, "just because I've been with guys, and I'm bi, doesn't mean I'm gay."
  • 9 Bai Ling
    Actress Bai Ling is openly bisexual -- and the identity category has often provided some humorous mix-ups involving her first
    Getty
    Actress Bai Ling is openly bisexual -- and the identity category has often provided some humorous mix-ups involving her first name. According to GLAAD, she discussed it in-depth in a 2009 interview with Entertainment Weekly: "[A]t first when I was in the United States I didn't always have an interpreter in interviews and I didn't speak English so well. There was some confusion. My name is pronounced 'bi,' so when I was asked, 'Are you bi?' I said, 'Yes, I am Bai.' Do you like men? 'Of course!' Do you like women? 'Why yes!' And later I found out what that means and I said, 'Sure, I am bi!' But I think the interpreters and the reporters thought that I didn't know what I was saying because I was so open about it. They were uncomfortable about it. Such a thing is not important for me."
  • 10 Carrie Brownstein
    The "Portlandia" star and former guitarist and vocalist for Sleater-Kinney is often assumed to identify as gay. However, she
    AP
    The "Portlandia" star and former guitarist and vocalist for Sleater-Kinney is often assumed to identify as gay. However, she told "Willamette Week" in 2012 that, "It’s weird, because no one’s actually ever asked me. People just always assume, like, you’re this or that. It’s like, ‘OK. I’m bisexual.’”
  • 11 David Bowie
    Though David Bowie has historically played coy surrounding his sexuality, he clarified the subject in <a href="http://www.vic
    Getty
    Though David Bowie has historically played coy surrounding his sexuality, he clarified the subject in a 1976 interview with "Playboy." "It's true -- I am a bisexual. But I can't deny that I've used that fact very well. I suppose it's the best thing that ever happened to me."
  • 12 Snooki
    The always-polarizing Snooki&nbsp;sat down with <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jersey-shore-snooki-and-jwoww-bisexua
    AP
    The always-polarizing Snooki sat down with The Huffington Post in February 2012 and sought to clarify her sexual preference. "I would consider myself bi. I've done stuff with girls before. But I would never be with a girl because I like... penis. But I've experimented."
  • 13 Amber Heard
    Amber Heard has been <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/amber-heard-bisexuality-elle_n_3756186" target="_blank">openly b
    Getty
    Amber Heard has been openly bisexual for quite some time, and discussed this aspect of her identity in "Elle." The model and actress told reporters: "[I] didn't want to look like I was hiding anything."
  • 14 Angelina Jolie
    Angelina Jolie has been open about her sexuality for quite some time, having had numerous encounters and relationships with w
    Getty
    Angelina Jolie has been open about her sexuality for quite some time, having had numerous encounters and relationships with women. She reportedly told OK Magazine that, "I have loved women in the past and slept with them. I think if you love and want to pleasure a woman, particularly if you are a woman yourself, then certainly you know how to do things a certain way."
  • 15 Evan Rachel Wood
    Evan Rachel Wood <a href="https://twitter.com/evanrachelwood/status/238791671553351681" target="_blank">came out on Twitter</
    AP
    Evan Rachel Wood came out on Twitter in 2012: “I myself am bisexual and have always ‘joked’ about Miley giving me gay vibes. Not a bad thing! Just an observation.”
  • 16 Sapphire
    The author of <em>Push,</em> the book that inspired the critically acclaimed film "Precious," <a href="http://www.standard.co
    Getty
    The author of Push, the book that inspired the critically acclaimed film "Precious," describes herself as bisexual.
  • 17 Drew Barrymore
    Drew Barrymore originally came out in <a href="http://www.contactmusic.com/news-article/drew-barrymore.-.i-am-bisexual." targ
    Getty
    Drew Barrymore originally came out in an interview in Contact Magazine in 2003, saying, "Do I like women sexually? Yeah, I do. Totally. I have always considered myself bisexual... I love a woman's body. I think a woman and a woman together are beautiful, just as a man and a woman together are beautiful. Being with a woman is like exploring your own body, but through someone else."
  • 18 Frenchie Davis
    This former "American Idol" and "The Voice" contestant came out in 2012, <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/frenchie-dav
    Getty
    This former "American Idol" and "The Voice" contestant came out in 2012, telling her fans that she had been in a relationship with a woman for the past year and had dated men and women.
  • 19 Vanessa Carlton
    Musician Vanessa Carlton <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/vannesa-carlton-im-bisexu_n_618697" target="_blank">came out
    Getty
    Musician Vanessa Carlton came out publicly at 2010's Nashville Pride, announcing to a crowd of 18,000 that, "I've never said this before, but I am a proud bisexual woman!"
  • 20 Fergie
    The Black Eyed Peas front woman confirmed speculation surrounding her sexual identity in 2009 through <a href="http://www.adv
    Getty
    The Black Eyed Peas front woman confirmed speculation surrounding her sexual identity in 2009 through an interview with The Advocate: "Q: After you discussed past sexual experiences with women in an interview with 'The Sun' in May, headlines everywhere read, 'Fergie Admits She’s Bisexual!' A: The funny thing is that I was very open and honest about that from the very beginning, and everyone was acting like it was some new trend. Go back four or five years, people, and you’ll see the same answer.

"
  • 21 Pete Townshend
    In his book,&nbsp;<i>Who I Am: A Memoir by Pete Townshend</i>, this musician <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/books/2012/o
    AP
    In his book, Who I Am: A Memoir by Pete Townshend, this musician confirmed that he is "probably bisexual" and cited his attraction to Mick Jagger, calling him "the only man I've ever seriously wanted to fuck."
  • 22 Tila Tequila
    Tila Tequila is not one to shy away from anything. The former Myspace celebrity did <a href="http://www.mtv.com/shows/tila_te
    Getty
    Tila Tequila is not one to shy away from anything. The former Myspace celebrity did several reality shows centered around identifying as bisexual, beginning with "A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila." She was also the girlfriend of Casey Johnson, the Johnson & Johnson heiress, who passed away in 2010.
  • 23 Amber Rose
    Amber Rose&nbsp;has long been perceived to be openly bisexual without actually addressing the way she identifies. In an inter
    Getty
    Amber Rose has long been perceived to be openly bisexual without actually addressing the way she identifies. In an interview with Complex magazine, the model sought to clarify the rumors: "They label me a bisexual freak stripper that fucks Kanye on a daily basis. To answer that: I’m extremely open with my sexuality. I can be in love with a woman, I can be in love with a man. I’m not into bestiality, but as far as humans go, I definitely find beauty in everybody, whether they’re heavy-set, super-skinny, if they’re white, black, Indian, Asian, Spanish. I can see beauty in anybody. I’m not into threesomes or orgies and shit like that. If I see a women and I think she’s beautiful and I like her, and she likes me back we can definitely try to be in a relationship together."
  • 24 Cynthia Nixon
    Currently <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/cynthia-nixon-married-christina-marinoni_n_1550345" target="_blank">married
    Getty
    Currently married to wife Christine Marinoni, Nixon confirmed in a January 2012 interview with The Daily Beast that she is bisexual. The "Sex And The City" star stated, "I don’t pull out the 'bisexual' word because nobody likes the bisexuals. Everybody likes to dump on the bisexuals... We get no respect."
  • 25 Jillian Michaels
    The first lady to ever come out in "Lady's Home Journal" as bisexual, "Biggest Loser" coach and personal trainer Jillian Mich
    Getty
    The first lady to ever come out in "Lady's Home Journal" as bisexual, "Biggest Loser" coach and personal trainer Jillian Michaels told the magazine in 2010: “Let’s just say I believe in healthy love. If I fall in love with a woman, that’s awesome. If I fall in love with a man, that’s awesome. As long as you fall in love… it’s like organic food. I only eat healthy food, and I only want healthy love!”
  • 26 Kim Zolciak
    Former "Real Housewives Of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak was in public relationships with both the mysterious "Big Poppa" and DJ
    Getty
    Former "Real Housewives Of Atlanta" star Kim Zolciak was in public relationships with both the mysterious "Big Poppa" and DJ Tracy Young before marrying Kroy Biermann. In a 2010 interview with Life & Style, interviewers posed the following question for the reality queen: "Q: Do you feel you're giving a voice to other bisexual parents? A: I'm among the millions of parents who have been in a gay or lesbian relationship. It hasn't been an easy road lately, but I feel there are no mistakes in my life. Everything happens for a reason. To have the opportunity to speak for myself and to have people understand what I'm going through is really special. I myself was confused and scared at first. Being able to speak from my heart and get this all out, it's a huge relief for me."
  • 27 Lady Gaga
    Lady Gaga has been open for quite some time about her bisexuality, initially coming out in <a href="http://www.youtube.com/wa
    AP
    Lady Gaga has been open for quite some time about her bisexuality, initially coming out in a 2010 interview with Barbara Walters.
  • 28 'Mama June' Shannon
    The star of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" revealed that <a href="https://www.huffpost.com/entry/mama-june-bisexual-_n_7140040">s
    Charles Norfleet via Getty Images
    The star of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" revealed that she's bisexual in an "Inside Edition" interview in April 2015. Her daughter "Pumpkin" Lauryn Thompson also came out as bi at the same time.