I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Episode 4 Recap: Life Without Antagonists

In just a few days, there's already a lot of controversy surrounding I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! Most of the controversy is fake, manufactured by Heidi and Spencer and perpetuated by columnists and bloggers (like me) who have nothing better to watch now that Lost and 30 Rock are on hiatus. But it's controversy nonetheless, and at least it keeps NBC in the news. Someday, they'll learn. But not today. After a fairly exciting third episode (and words like "exciting" are all relative in this context, of course), the fourth episode--and final one for the week--was enigmatic, awkward, and nap-inducing. Here's a recap.

Act One:
Frances just claimed that this show was "too real" for Heidi and Spencer. Really? Too real? What's "real" about this show? The living quarters--beds in the middle of a jungle? The fact that they have to eat cooked tarantulas and live stick insects? The Lost Chamber--an abandoned room filled with snakes, rats, giant cockroaches, bats, eels, and jungle slime? Chambers like that must naturally exist in the "real" world, right?

And then they spend the entire act debating Heidi and Spencer's return. Shoot me now. I don't care if they return to the show, I just want to see them spend the night in the Lost Chamber.

Act Two:
First we're put through five minutes of the celebrities discussing how charming and helpful Daniel Baldwin is. Then five minutes on Janice spitting all over camp. Followed by five minutes prepping for the food challenge? When is something gonna happen?

Act Three:
This looks like an event straight out of a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. What's hard about this? The puzzle pieces are getting water-logged? Oh no! They're a little bit heavier! The mud is too slippery! The bamboo cage is getting lower and lower and now we have to--dear God--bend down! Riveting.

Act Four:
Uh oh, a jungle thief! Janice is stealing Angela's toiletries... and now she's stealing John's pillow. Which begs the question: if they're supposed to be living in the jungle, surviving their fears and battling the elements, why are they allowed to have toiletries and pillows in the first place? I think Angela can go without her hair pick for a few days.

But the last straw has to be Patti Blagojevich, likening Janice and her kleptomania to an opponent her husband once faced in an election. How did he deal with her? By treating her like a crazy old aunt. That's an interesting insight into the psyche of Rod Blagojevich, but an anti-climactic ending to the Janice conflict.

By the way, Angela, if this is the hardest thing you've ever done in your life--I'd put it on par with a camping trip--you've had a pretty easy life.

Are they really gonna tease the vote-off? That was a waste of three minutes, which is hard to pull off when the entire show is a waste of forty-two minutes, but they've done it.

Act Five:
We don't get to find out if Heidi and Spencer are coming back until Monday? Really? That ought to fuel the entertainment columns and blogs through the weekend. I'm just sad we don't get to see them spend the night in Lost Chamber.

This whole taped/live thing is getting a little weird. We're watching Frances and Angela discuss the idea that one of them might go home, but we already know Frances is safe. Whoever decided to run the show this way didn't think it all the way through. I imagine the conversation went something like this: "Hey, we can combine edited footage with live votes! It's Survivor meets American Idol!" "But wait, it won't make any sense, structurally." "Did you not hear me? It's Survivor meets American Idol!" "It sounds stupid." "You're stupid! And you're fired!"

Wow, I'm so bored watching this show, I'm imagining fake Ben Silverman conversations. This is awful.

Act Six:
I don't think the vote-off could've been less exciting. I guess it was a bit sad. Angela was one of the more likable cast members. And now Frangela has been separated. Now Frances will have to provide twice the charm and wit in her confessionals to make up for it.

Thank God I don't have to watch this show again til Monday.