I'm A 29-Year-Old Gay Man Who Plays With Barbie's

Barbie Collection
Barbie Collection

When I was a little boy, all I wanted in the world were Barbie’s. My sisters had Barbie’s and they would let me play with them. But quickly, that came to an end. Instead, my dad bought me a Ken doll as if that would replace my effeminate traits. I wonder where that Ken doll is today.

When I first quit drinking, a friend told me that I would revert back to the age I was when I first started drinking. What they meant was my emotional and personal development stopped at the time I started drinking heavily. I suppose that makes me a 14 year old girl stuck in a 29 year old man’s body. This person being an artist also told me that the way he reconciled this with himself was to lay out pictures of him at each age and do an art project for each age.

He started out with finger painting and then graduated onto a miniature paint brush using water colors. Then there were crayons and markers and colored pencils. At this point he had gotten to age 7 or 8, and it was time for him to play with Barbie’s. He described in great detail about how he dismembered their bodies and contorted them to create a sculpture.

So right now, I’m emotionally a 14 year old girl who only wants to play with her Barbie’s and make video blogs (said friend did not have the luxury of iPhone or other electronics when he was a boy... girl, I’m showing your age. Say something.)

I might have gotten obsessive along the way. It started in May of 2016. I had only purchased two Barbie’s. I named them Barb and Rach and shot a short webseries about Barb being an impressionable young girl who develops a cocaine addiction and her drug dealer, Rach who is having an identity crisis of her own.

It was simple enough. I could have just left it at that. But I got the itch, I needed more. I started going to drug stores in the middle of the night meandering down the toy aisle to see if they carried a Barbie that I didn’t already have. I bought plenty of cheap ballerina’s and swimsuit Barbie’s. It still wasn’t enough though after I had frequented all of the Walgreen’s, Duane Reade’s, and Rite-Aid’s throughout the West Village/Union Square areas. I had to find something bigger to fulfill my Barbie needs.

The next step would be for me to go to the Manhattan mall (Did you know that Manhattan has a mall?!) where they have a Toy’s R’ Us. I stocked up on extra outfits, bought a few more glamorous Barbie’s there. Then, I had to get a Reward’s R’ Us card so that I could frequent the Babies R’ Us in Union Square to purchase a good portion of the fashionista series. I’m getting close to $10 Rewards R’ US dollars. Game Developer Barbie here I come!

The last time I counted, I had 28 Barbie’s. But I know that I’ve at least bought three others since then so I’m sticking around to 30 as my total. Thirty Barbie’s is a lot people. I have them all stashed in my gym bag. And I’m constantly worried that I’m going to lose all of their shoes. Some of them already have smudges on their face that won’t come off. When I have them in videos, I always make them the dark, dingy NSFW character.

Two weeks ago, I got a surge of mania which is rare for me since my psychiatric meds keep me very even keeled. But once it started, I knew I had to put my energy into something. That’s when I developed a 21 episode webseries called Pink Pumps . Each episode is only a minute or less long, so you can binge watch the entire series sitting down in one go.

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