I'm A Political Genius

I did not go through 7th grade for nothing.
<strong><em>Everything I Know About Politics, I Learned in 7th Grade</em></strong>
Everything I Know About Politics, I Learned in 7th Grade

For most of my life, I have shied away from studying politics.

To me, it was all arguing and posturing, finger-pointing and nitpicking, stuffed shirts standing on white steps engaging in either disingenuous self-defense or wrathful recrimination. Who needed it? I was busy enough trying to work through the serpentine maze of my own personal relationships. Who had time to slog through the swamp up on The Hill?

Thanks, but no thanks.

Donald Trump’s ruinous entry into politics on June 16, 2015 changed all that. Like many Americans, I sat up and took notice of a tragic spectacle from which it was — and still is — impossible to look away. In the process of observing his cataclysmic rise to the presidency, I made an unbidden discovery about myself and the heretofore mysterious world of politics.

I get this stuff.

Politics is people and — if you’ve been through junior high in the United States — it’s really not that hard to understand: You have to study for tests or you’re gonna fail. A bully is really just a coward. Nobody likes a phony. Quit whining. The playground is a jungle. And once a jerk, always a jerk.

When Trump fired FBI Director James Comey and pinned his decision on Deputy AG Rod Rosenstein’s memo, I immediately flashed back to some of my more dubious 7th grade adventures. Please don’t tell anybody, but ― from time to churlish time ― I was known to swipe a study hall note from some of the mean girls and then surreptitiously use the information contained therein against them to try to besmirch their undeserved popularity. I am not proud of these antics, but, like I said ― it was a jungle back then. (Shhhh.......)

When I heard about the Rosenstein memo, it took me absolutely no time at all to figure out what actually went on. Trump was really mad at Comey for getting lots of attention, for not backing him up, and for investigating him (all of which were very mean) so he swiped Rosenstein’s note and used it against Comey to besmirch his reputation and get him fired.

See? I did not go through the fires of 7th grade hell for nothing.

Rosenstein no more wrote that memo to get Comey fired than the mean girls in 7th grade passed study hall notes to each other, intending for them to be publicized by me and used as an excuse to say bad things about them. (Shhh......)

My days of being intimidated by political intrigue and scary words like “filibustering,” “special interests,” “caucuses” and “gerrymandering” are over. These are usually just highbrow ways of saying “temper tantrums,” “being selfish,” “cliques,” and “not being allowed in with the popular kids.”

Trump and his gang of scary bullies and mean boys have simplified the entire political process for me.

It’s all about people behaving, more often than not, like the worst version of themselves, just like I did back in 7th grade when I was consumed by jealousy and felt left out (shhh...) and then doing dumb stuff to get their own way and blaming it on others.

As for the 70-year-old pubescent in the White House and the current “in-group” occupying Congress... none of this perplexes me any longer. Bullies are cowards and the jerks who defend them are gonna remain jerks forever. And none of them have done their homework.

I’m telling you, this stuff is a cinch for me now.

So, now I’m a political genius.

Go ahead, ask me anything.