I'm Joining Facebook Just To "Dislike" You

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I'm joining Facebook (Not really. But for the purpose of this blog, I'm joining Facebook). I'm going to "friend you" just to dislike you. Make sense? No? Good.

I'm behind the curve, behind the times--whatever, with Facebook. It's been around since, when, 1997? No? Too early? I don't care. When I tell people, "Oh, I'm not on Facebook" they look at me like I just pantsed a nun in front of His Holiness.

But there's a really good reason why I never adopted Facebook as a useful social media tool; I just dgaf about your baby, or engagement, or building of your eco-friendly house built out of an old shipping container. Which is essentially all that Facebook seems to be about. Plainly put; quit sharing aspects of your life thinking that I care. Because I don't. And when this "dislike" button goes live, you'll see that I'm not alone.

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Another reason why I've always been turned off by Facebook is that I usually try to rationalize something-- a question, project, anything, by asking myself if (name a famous historical person) would do this. So, for example, would Nikolai Tesla join Facebook and comment on some random person's selfie, "So hot. Do you do nudes?".

I seriously doubt he would.

I also realized that after watching the past two presidential debates, where candidates fielded questions from "the Facebookers," I realized that 93.988% of people on Facebook are closer on the social functioning scale of a diseased amoeba than to a productive human (pronounced Yoooo-min). That's a fact. Not opinion. Look it up.

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Everyone wants to be "liked." Well, okay, not everyone. Personally, I do not care if you like me or not. Which is why I'm probably happier than you. But people, YOU, especially on Facebook and Twitter, want to be liked. Which is why almost everyone's social media profile/bio/byline is puffed up to make them seem to be more important than they really are.

"Award winning chef."
Actually... you work the grill at Carl's Jr and the award you won was the monthly giveaway for a free case of Mountain Dew Glow.

Sad, really.

Even your personal accomplishments aside, the reason why Facebook blows is because it's all about the "likes." And when you don't get a like for that photo you posted of your fiancé playing under the boardwalk during low tide, we essentially lose our shit. I bet if I was given the passwords to ten or twenty random Facebook accounts, I'd find one common thread within their inbox:

"Why didn't you like my photo? I don't get it."
"What the fuck did I do to you?"
"Are you ignoring me?
"Why aren't you liking my photos?"
"HELLO?!!!!"
"ASSHOLE!"
"YOU'RE A REAL DICK BAG"
"I'M GOING TO SHIT DOWN YOUR THROAT!"

I'm sure that's pretty accurate.

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The dislike button on Facebook will be the best thing that has happened to social media since... I don't know, those food captchas. Food captchas are great. Weird, that whenever I'm filling one out I'm always hangry as fuck. One complaint though, BIG CAPTCHA, if you're reading this, it's sometimes impossible to discern a noodle dish from, say, crepes. I don't know why. The two are on the polar ends of food items. But it's just something to think about.

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We need more dislike buttons in the world, less third place trophies, and less "YOU'RE A WINNER" stickers. Yes, as everyone has been saying, we're waaaaaaaay too sensitive when it comes to being politically correct-- or incorrect (huh?) on social media.

Just because you like kids, doesn't mean I have to. I hate kids, in fact. And think they're a horrible, selfish idea. And I especially "dislike" yours. I can hate the idea of going to your destination wedding because I hate weddings. ESPECIALLY YOURS, and think that all weddings are one giant ponzi scheme.

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I'm too negative, I know. But really, I'm not. In fact, you should be grateful that you have someone like me in your life. Someone who will tell you how it is. I'm your filter, you dummy. Don't you get it?

This is a good thing. I promise. Do you really want someone to always "Like" that photo you posted of young Cornelius playing in the grass? Because I won't. And what's the effing point anyway? I've seen kids before. I've seen grass before, nearly every day too (except if it's ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner day). Could you imagine if every time I walked past a lawn with a kid playing on it, I stuck a "Like" flag in it? The lawn, not the kid (wait...).

"Ohhhh... I like that photo of your 3 year old."

You creep.

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I welcome you, "Dislike" button. I think you are long overdue and a beacon of hope for the many millions who scroll through their Facebook feed/wall? and audibly sigh, or say, "Ew--" of whom, I consider to be my brethren.