I'm Not Voting for Jesus

Yeah, I'm getting mailings with that little fish on it. And important issue information on my candidate like where he stands on global warming and which local church he attends.
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"Despite a full century of scientific insights attesting to the antiquity of life and the greater antiquity of the Earth, more than half the American population believes that the entire cosmos was created 6,000 years ago. This is, incidentally, about a thousand years after the Sumerians invented glue. Those with the power to elect presidents and congressmen--and many who themselves get elected--believe that dinosaurs lived two by two upon Noah's Ark, that light from distant galaxies was created en route to the Earth and that the first members of our species were fashioned out of dirt and divine breath, in a garden with a talking snake, by the hand of an invisible God. This is embarrassing."

Can I get an "Amen" for Sam??

I swear I'm not trying to offend anyone here. I swear to God -snort- it's that I just don't get it. I really, for the life of me, do not get it. I want to get it. I'd like to be let in on the secret. But apparently I'm not worthy. Or I'm not trying hard enough. Or I really, really, really am not trying hard enough.

That, in a nutshell, is why I do not belong or believe in any sort of organized religion. And as we gear up for tomorrow's election, everything seems to be boiling down to the believers and the nonbelievers. The chosen and the damned. Sure, sure...there is some gray in the middle there somewhere, but mostly it's the followers and the free thinkers. The Republicans and the Democrats. Baby killers against the stem cell preservers.

I'd like to call a truce, but I feel my own life is at stake. My children's lives. My thoughts, my ideas, my ability to reason.

My son and I spent part of Sunday at a garden center. It was late in the afternoon and there were many customers. Many of them were dressed as if they had just left church, and like every day in our heathen lives, we were in sweats. Dirty, mismatched, Sunday on-the-couch-praying-to-the-NFL-and-not-the-Lord-Your-God sweats.

It wasn't long before a well meaning (stupid) woman looking at the same glass case of Christmas figurines as my son and I said "oh, someone must have gone to church early today!" My little guy didn't even hear her, as he was too busy watching red and white striped elves skate magically on a fake glass rink, but I heard her. I heard her and was pissed she just assumed we were Christian. Not that there is anything wrong with that. The Christian part, I mean.

Ok, I'm lying. There is something wrong with it. Something really, really wrong. It's so wrong and twisted that it has politicians showing off their faithfulness and actually trying sway me by promoting their Christianity. Yeah, I'm getting mailings with that little fish on it. And important issue information on my candidate like where he stands on global warming and which local church he attends.

Oh! Wait! John Doe goes to Christ Loves Everyone But Gays and Women Holy Mother of Bleeding Hearts! Well, fuck his voting record and bending over for lobbiest! He's one of us! We're voting for him!

I'm not impressed. You're going to have to do more than tell me where you attend services to get my vote. I know, I'm such a bitch. Just call me informed.

Maybe I'm batty here, but it seems this country has gone a little Christian crazy. It's so cool to be into the Jesus these days. I know kids who have actually asked their parents to take them to church. On behalf of all the former kids of the world, I would just like to say "WHAT THE FUCK??"

In my day, we found ways to skip mass and screw in the parking lot. In my day, it wasn't cool or uncool to be into God. It just was. You didn't promote your faith like some new pair of shoes. And you certainly didn't bust it out to win over voters. Or just assume the entire US population was right there with you, dressed in your Sunday best at a Garden Center at 2pm. Because THAT is how trendy it is now, everyone who is anyone has, of course, gone to church on Sunday.

The inmates are running the asylum. Get your asses out to vote tomorrow. Because there is no way in hell I'm missing Sunday football or lazy days in my garden with my son. Not for Jesus, Buddha, Allah, or anyone else. The last time I checked there was still that whole free religion thing going on in the good old US of A. The one that lets you be who you are. Worship who you want. Worship no one if you want.

Go vote. Now. Before they amend that one too.

*Writer's note: I would just like to say how proud I am of myself for not using this post to say "meth" "hyprocrite" or "up the ass."

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