I'm Saving Myself For My Soul Mate

Throughout the next few months, HuffPost Teen is highlighting the way teens think and feel about sex through anecdotes written for our series, "Teen Sex: It's Complicated." All of the authors are teenagers who have agreed to be published anonymously. If you want to share your thoughts, join the conversation here.

By Camille, 19

Being raised with a Christian upbringing, I was always taught really contradictory things about sex. For a long time, I thought only the Samantha Joneses of the world were having sex. I couldn't even say the word as a kid. If people made out on TV my mom would lunge toward the remote to change the channel. My mom is more liberal about it these days, but I have a better understanding of what she tries to instill in me. She tells me I have the power, not the boy.

I have a complicated relationship with the boy I "lost my virginity to." At the moment we're not speaking because we got into one of our routine fights. But in about two weeks it'll be back to the same sh*t. I don't even want to continue this relationship anymore to be quite honest. He has gone out of his way to emotionally stab me too many times. We've never even had "real" sex, but we've done lots of oral. It's the thing that makes him keep coming back to me and it's the thing that makes him disrespect me. I feel like I'm disrespecting myself by doing it, too. Not that oral sex is bad, but I think it should be reserved for a committed relationship. We almost did have sex a few times, but I stopped it before it got to that point. I'm glad I haven't gone all the way with him because I'm now certain that I want to wait until I find my soul mate.

My teenage years with this guy has taught me a lot about myself. If a guy can't even go see a movie without expecting sexual favors then he doesn't deserve me. I'm more than my curves and my sex appeal. When he gets around me, his hands exploring my down-under tells me every reason why I shouldn't be with him. I'm a sapiosexual: Intelligence is an aphrodisiac for me. I want much more than just sex. Can he not be a teenage boy for five minutes? I'm not saying that he's an idiot -- he's quite talented in math and science -- but to be blunt, he just thinks with his dick most of the time. I would be fine with our "friends with benefits" arrangement if we had a friendship to begin with. But it's not worth it at this point.

I hope to officially lose my virginity to a man who loves me for me and doesn't just use me like a coin. I want to lose my virginity in nature, on a beautiful beach just me and my man making love as it should be. I'm absolutely done with boys my age. They're so flippant and have no regard for a girl's feelings. If a guy wants sex without strings attached then he should just have sex with prostitutes. I will not be made to feel like a leech just for wanting something more.

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