I'm so F-ing Tired.

I'm so F-ing Tired.
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You guys, it’s been one week.

One week of my crying in bed at night so my kids don’t see my fear.

One week of thinking my anger is at it’s peak only to realize it’s not. Not by a long shot.

One week of astonishment. How can that be? Is he serious? Is this real? (all questions I’ve said out loud this week)

I want to try to understand how anyone could possibly vote for this man and his cronies. I try to rationalize it in my head and in my conversations with my husband and friends. I have silent debates with myself. I read as many pieces from both sides that I can get my hands on. This has become a job.

Last night we had to explain what a refugee is to our children. Yet again, my eleven year old son surprised me with his reaction - anger and sadness, his eyes welling up with tears “why would anyone want to do that to another person mom?” Hell if I know son, as tears welled up in mine.

I’m already exhausted, and it’s only been a week. America, you didn’t elect a leader, you elected a tyrant. A dictator. A small minded, cold-hearted monster who is not running the country because all he cares about is crowd (hand) size. He has put people in positions they have no business being in. He is allowing his boy network to call the shots. They are all dangerous.

We will all pay for his actions - his greedy, illegal, self serving actions.

This is not okay, you see because I live in New York City. I KNOW what it’s like to live through terrorism. I have seen the after affects and still live through them today. How many of you have? You claim you want change, most of you claim to be Christian yet not one thing this man has done represents the values you believe in. I worry for my family who navigates the city streets daily. I worry for my husband who works in a high tourist area. I plan our escape routes and discuss them with friends. “What do we do if we get attacked” is an actual question I’ve had to answer sitting at an adult dinner table recently. In the days and years after 9/11 I have not once been scared to live in my city, my beloved New York. I am now.

Am I acting selfish? Perhaps. Mostly I’m being human. I’m being a mother, a wife, a friend.

I want to know what you were thinking when you cast your vote? I want to know if you took the time to try to visualize the future? I want to know if you care about your children and grandchildren who will ultimately be the ones to have to put the pieces back together.

I wonder if our children will be drafted into another senseless war, forcing them into a future they may not have chosen for themselves. I wonder if other countries will forgive us for hiring this man. I wonder if it’s going to be safe to travel outside of our country. This is what keeps me up at night now. What keeps you up?

And yet, the optimist in me knows that there is strength in numbers. I have seen that too. At the Women’s March last weekend. I was inspired by the camaraderie, the brilliance, the loud voices all speaking up for rights we believe in. I saw it last night at airports around the country, especially in my beloved New York. I know that this man, the one who works for us, will not prevail. It is going to take a lot of work. It’s going to take a lot of vigilance. It’s going to take patience. It will be hard, exhausting and at times disheartening. But in the end he will not win.

We’re living in a real life “Star Wars” - where I’m a proud member of the Resistance and a card carrying member of the ACLU.

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