It started at a birthday party when I was seven and the mother of a classmate saw me and snarked to another mom "Who invited the maid's kid?" And it ended with a portly elderly gentleman calling me "You people..." in a Walmart in Grand Rapids Michigan last month.
Of course lots happened in between. Some dude called me a beaner, numerous ladies asked if I was my son's nanny, a woman touched my hair telling me it was so different, someone else told me to go back to Mexico, I’ve been accused of being on welfare because of the way I look (I’ve got welfare chic down, apparently). You get the gist.
In most cases, it’s easy to ignore these slights. Personally, it’s hard for someone to break me with words. Especially words that are ignorant. But I am a regular human being and every once and a while, these slights cause me to get angry and sometimes, I get loud. I’ve been known to yell “Shut up!” before. I’ll admit it. I called the dude who called me a beaner a racist. It didn’t matter to him that I am actually Native American, he just saw brown skin and lobbed a slur at me so I shot back. But I can’t anymore. The guy in Walmart showed me that.
For one thing, he exhibited intolerance in front my son and in that moment, I realized that my response was far more important than what this man said to me. It would set an example for son. It would, in a small way, define who I am. Am I someone who gets easily triggered by ignorant people? Or better yet, am I someone who lets intolerant people have power over me by giving them the engagement they so badly want? Which is weird if you think about it because my dear husband doesn’t have the power to stop me from leaving my wet towel papers on the counter but this old fart almost had the power to make me snap. So I didn’t. I stood there and looked at him in the eye and you could just see the blood boiling in him. He wanted me to respond so bad, he was bristling. The woman with him practically had to drag him away and in that moment, I knew I won. I took his power. He was powerless to get anything from me.
So I’m taking the power back and I am here to implore you all to do the same. I'm not asking folks to back down. By all means, if you can clap back with a smart and witty burn, do it. But don't yell or cry or give the kind of emotional response that these antagonizers crave. The whole point of using a racial slur is to start conflict but a conflict takes two people. By not reacting, you leave the racist or misogynist or homophobe standing there alone looking like the sad hate monger they are.
Recently, some women in JC Penney were publicly attacked and their refusal to respond and engage with the woman who berated them only magnified the hideousness of the woman's tirade. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for the ladies to stay calm but they succeeded in rendering their attacker powerless. It was kind of glorious to watch really, this angry woman shouting, basically to herself like a lunatic because no one was responding to her. We should all try to do the exact same thing when faced with discrimination and racism.
And I'm not just talking about those of us who are marginalized by race or gender or religion or sexual orientation, this goes for those of you who feel attacked for your political affiliation too.
Over the holidays, I read story after story of families turning on each other because of the election with a lot of folks feeling attacked by their conservative family members. I implore you guys too. Don't engage conservatives when they call you a libtard or boast about their win. Don't cry when they try to shun you. It's going to be hard but be strong and don't let them see your pain. If you hold steady, you leave them with nothing but a bunch of words that have no power because no one gave them a response.
So don't give in to the efforts of those who are intolerant by letting them see your pain or your anger. Instead channel it into good things. Every time I see someone who may be marginalized, I try to ask them how they're doing and if they're okay. Sometimes that's all someone needs, to know that there are people who care. I'm also doing my best to stand next to those who are being mistreated. This past weekend in IKEA (side note: IKEA is my happy place, who throws down drama in IKEA?!), a woman threw a scene and berated an African American manager right in front of me. So I simply started talking to the manager. I asked her how she was and if she was okay and that she was doing a great job, because she was. She was calm and polite despite this woman ranting and raving at her. This small thing, this attention given to the manager resulted in the angry woman being ignored, yelling to herself and eventually walking away. A small victory and deeply satisfying. People in numbers are always more powerful than one angry individual. This is the example I want to set for my son, to display kindness and strength in the face of discrimination.
And I have found that I'm definitely not alone. I see this refusal to except hate all around me. Friends are doing good deeds and starting grassroots campaigns to stand up for women's rights and the environment.
Some are celebrating the beauty of diversity like my friend Julia who started a campaign called Advocate Love that unites professional photographers with marginalized folks to create beautiful portraits celebrating their uniqueness. She has events planned for Inauguration Day in several states, check out www.advocate-love.com for cities and schedules. She took the above photo of my little guy and I.
People talk about changing the world but it definitely starts with ourselves. Spread love not hate. And if you surround yourself with people who do the same, you can create a small world of your own that doesn't need changing.