I wanted badly to be a mother and I love my children to pieces (girls aged three, six, and a 10-year-old boy), but I am so exhausted that I wake up in the morning dreading the day ahead. I know all the magazine articles talk about taking care of ourselves, but I laugh when I think about getting a massage or going for a girls' weekend getaway. I can't remember the last time I sat down for a meal that I didn't have to get up from five times and I am running on way too little sleep. My husband works late hours so can't help much. I'm too tired to enjoy my kids!
Imagine that one of your little ones asked you for something to eat. Would you ignore her -- no matter how hungry she was -- or would you stop what you were doing to get her a healthy snack?
How about if your son complained that he was really tired after an especially busy weekend? Would you tell him to brush off how he was feeling, or encourage him to climb into bed so he could catch up on sleep?
Most of us do our best to respond lovingly when our children need something, whether it's food, rest, comfort, or support. But when it comes to offering the same to ourselves, we are actually quite heartless. Why is that? Why do we place such a low priority on our needs? How does it serve our children to watch us treating ourselves poorly?
I can't count the number of times I have worked with a mother who tells me that she nibbles off her kids' plates when she's hungry or pushes through whatever task is at hand when she's thirsty instead of pausing to get a drink of water. Parenting does not require martyrdom, and in fact, we do our kids no favors by doing things for them that they can do for themselves.
Mothers and fathers have all the needs that come with being a member of the human species -- rest, food, water, love, and frequent bathroom breaks. Disregarding the requirements our bodies and hearts make for nourishment, sleep, or a moment of grown-up conversation will eventually catch up with us. We may become irritable or moody, get sick, or simply lose our connection to the joy that parenting can bring.
I know it's a cliche, but we really do have to put our oxygen masks on first if we are to take care of our children. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
Here are three things I would like you to do for the next 21 days to get yourself back on track. (Twenty-one days is about how long it takes to turn a behavior into a habit.)
- The moment you notice that you're thirsty or that you need a bathroom break, stop what you're doing and get a drink of water or answer nature's call. The world will keep spinning, and your children will learn -- by example -- that we really do need to take good care of ourselves.
- Eat at least one meal each day sitting down. If your children need the ketchup, gently point them in the direction of the refrigerator.
- GET MORE SLEEP! You will never get everything crossed off of your To-Do List. You will never be caught up. Accept that, and let yourself go to bed at an hour that lets you log eight hours of sleep. Just try this for 21 days. You will be surprised at all the "filler" activities that were keeping you up needlessly late.
While most of us want to keep our kids happy, we often send them the message that we are their genie in the bottle, ready to meet each and every need the moment it arises. Eventually, that becomes exhausting, and resentment sets in.
It would be great if you could treat yourself to a massage or a weekend away. But in the meantime, taking small steps toward treating your needs as if they matter as much as anyone else's will get you headed in a much healthier direction.
Now go and get yourself a nice glass of water! ;-)
Susan Stiffelman is the author of Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected and the brand new Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids (An Eckhart Tolle Edition). She is a family therapist, parent coach and internationally recognized speaker on all subjects related to children, teens and parenting.
To learn more about her online parenting courses and support, visit her Facebook page or sign up for her free newsletter.
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