Lately I have being feel a little, well... bleh. That's about the best word I can come up with to explain to you my feelings, my emotions and just about everything in my head. The little one no longer sleeps, it's almost tax time, business is busy, the house is a disaster and, well, my kid has eaten M&Ms for breakfast for the last week and a half. I haven't found time to brush my hair, let alone actually shower or shave my legs in what feels like forever, and here I am sitting in a giant gray knitted cardigan, hiding behind my computer with bags under my eyes, a few new stress pimples and, well, you heard me before -- that hair, the hair I went to bed with wet five days ago, am trying to grow my bangs out and have yet to even come close to actually brushing it.
So do you get where I'm coming from with my title?
Most days I just blankly stare at the computer screen, attempt to get my work done while trying really hard to interact with my child at the same time. The dishes are piling higher and higher before me in the sink and, well, toys -- they're everywhere because something has to keep my kid occupied while I attempt to just keep my eyes open. Then about 9:30 at night rolls around, she's crying in her bed (because well, that's her new trick #toddlerlife) and then I start to get mega anxiety as I look around me.
Holy cow, I literally live like this.
OH MY GOSH, there's a bottle under the couch behind a toy, it's full of milk. EW. Yep, that's just going straight in the garbage--ain't nothin' saving that bad boy.
I try to ignore it so I can get some work done because well, that didn't happen today with everything else in between, but I can't ignore it. I mean literally, that stupid Elmo doll over on the floor is basically staring at me. Did it just talk? I think it just said something. That or maybe I'm literally losing my mind from exhaustion. Nope, I'm not, it literally just said my toddler's name and is now singing the ABC's. Honey? HONEY! Where are you?
Then this happens:
"WELL IF YOU WOULD HELP ME CLEAN UP A LITTLE BIT I WOULDN'T BE SO STRESSED OUT." "HOW ARE YOU OKAY LIVING LIKE THIS?!"
tears, so many tears..
My poor husband, he takes the grunt of my hormonal, exhausted, anxious freak outs. I mean, he really didn't do anything wrong. He's working just as hard, getting up with our toddler in the middle of the night and well, he's just as tired.
BUT WHY DOESN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL!?
That's the thought that's constantly running in my friggin' head. I mean no one gets it. I am the only one in this position ever, no one understands that I can't just go and take a shower without worrying about the cereal being dumped out everywhere, the drawers broken or heaven forbid--her getting hurt! The other day I literally forgot to wash the conditioner out of my hair. Then, I just left it in there.
I LEFT THE EFFING CONDITIONER IN MY HAIR PEOPLE.
For hours, legitimately for five hours until she went down for a "nap". Then, I rinsed it out quickly, ran my fingers threw it a couple of times and jumped on the conference call that I was already really late to. I just had to look at it as a really good conditioning treatment because you know--the oils from two week old hair wasn't already doing that for me. I just had to double it up.
Is it okay to be too tired to Mom somedays? Eh, I don't really know the answer to that. BUT I do know that it's okay to take time for myself. You know--before I get to this point. Somethings are out of our control, like an 18 month old who is nocturnal, however there are some things that we can control, that we can do to make it better. Want to know what that thing is for me?
Being selfish.
Yep, I said it. It's fine. I mean, if she's allowed to yell no at me 337 times in one day, request the same dang Elmo song 221 times IN A ROW and throw food on my white curtains, I'm allowed to take approximately one hour for myself, sometimes even longer if I'm really feelin' selfish. ;) Husband home? Great, honey--I'm out and off to take a bath or maybe I'm going to get my nails done, eh--I don't know, but I'm doing something for me. The thing is, you're right, I'm exhausted, physically, mentally, exhausted. But, it's not just because the lack of sleep, it's because of the constant going all day long. I mean, I literally don't stop at all. It's because of the worrying, the anxiety and my brain going 200 MPH up until it hits the pillow at 2AM. So taking sometime for myself each day recharges that overly worked brain of mine. It helps me breathe, collect myself and come back being a fun Mom (cough, I mean cool Mom, I'm not like a regular Mom, I'm a cool Mom dang it).
We're really just all doing our best, so why not reward ourselves for the hard work we put in everyday with a really great bubble bath or a trip to the store UNINTERRUPTED. I mean, you can literally smell all the candle smells, walk down every aisle and look at all the cute clothes. You get the point, you're allowed to be tired, I'm allowed to be tired. Somedays I might just be a little too tired to "Mom", there's nothing wrong with me. In fact, we can stay in our PJs all day, watch Elmo and lay on the couch--in fact, my toddler thinks I'm really cool when I do that, so we're winning in their books and that's all that matters.
Take you time, breathe and remember: we're doing the best we can.
Happy Mom-ing.
Originally published via Positively Oakes.