I'm With Her-On-Her!

Radio host Rush Limbaugh wants you to believe that the LGBT community is shallow, stupid, and sex-driven. When old photos of a nude Melania Trump were splashed all over the New York Post earlier this week, Rush rushed to share his thoughts on what effect the erotic photos would have on the election. "And today, there are -- these are, what would you call, girl-on-girl -- I think is the, yes -- nude, girl-on-girl photos with Melania and other women," he said, "I think this probably might wrap up the LGBT vote for Trump. You never know how these things are seen. You never know."

Let's play out the scenario that Rush is painting: I, a gay man and a Hillary Clinton supporter, walk into my local Wawa convenience store to order myself a hoagie. As I walk past the rack of newspapers on the way to the sandwich counter, my eye is immediately drawn to a naked, sexy Melania Trump with another naked woman. "Wow!" I mutter to myself, "I am gay but these photos are so hot! I am so horny right now. Forget the fact that I am attracted to men. Forget the fact that nude photos of a candidate's wife have nothing to do with a candidate's qualifications to be president. Forget my hoagie! The only thing I can think about right now is changing my vote! Forget "I'm With Her!" Today I declare: I'm With Her-On-Her!" A trans woman and a lesbian are nearby and, upon hearing my outburst, join me in ogling the newspaper - you know, because LGBT salivate over anything remotely homosexual. "There are no political issues more important to us than these photographs! We're With Her-On-Her, too!" Yay! Lust wins!

Trust me, this will never happen.

Rush is insulting Melania Trump and the LGBT community in one fell swoop. He implies that Melania has indulged in some sort of lurid, obscene, sensational act by posing for these photos. And since all LGBT folks are lascivious, depraved degenerates, his logic goes, we are naturally drawn to this sordid imagery and will change our votes as a result.

Rush claims that, for those of us in the prurient LGBT crowd, this situation is "relatable." Yes, that's right, Rush. I can totally relate to a gorgeous model who is the third wife of a billionaire running for president of the United States. Several friends in my social circle are also gorgeous models and third wives of billionaires running for president of the United States. Melania and Donald are just like you and me - so relatable.

I cannot speak for the entire LGBT community but I am going to go out on a limb here: nude photos of a candidate's spouse will not convince us to vote for that candidate. You know what will "wrap up" our votes? Respect. Equality. Justice. And, believe it or not, we care about issues such as the economy, foreign policy, education, the environment, health care, and, you know, other things that matter.

Melania Trump is a beautiful woman. But photos of her with another woman will not get this gay man to vote for Donald Trump. If boy-on-boy photos of Channing Tatum and Chris Pine appeared on the cover of the New York Post, I still would not vote for Donald Trump. I would buy that newspaper, but I would not vote for Donald Trump. I would vote for Bubbles the chimpanzee before I would vote for Donald Trump. I would vote for an ice cube before I would vote for Donald Trump. I would vote for a flea before I ... you get the idea.

To be fair, Rush also thought Melania's photos would sway the "no-college educated white male vote." If it is true that these young, straight, American men would vote for Donald Trump simply because his wife posed for some girl-on-girl photos twenty years ago, we are doomed.