Award-winning left-wing humorist and former National Lampoon editor, Steve Brykman, has infiltrated the Republican Party, working as a UX Designer & Strategist at Mitt Romney's headquarters in Boston's North End. For the hilarious inside story on one of the most insane, error-prone presidential campaigns in recent history, keep reading I'm with Mitt: Adventures in Amercia! Coming soon to a bookstore or eBook reader near you, assuming someone out there possesses the gumption to publish it.
Disclaimer: this blog will not be dictated by fact-checkers.
VII. Steve should get fired, but somehow, doesn't
Friday - May 11
Overheard:
"I graduated May 2004...from high school."
Also, me, to another dude: "How old are you...thirty?"
"Twenty-two"
"Twenty-two? You're twenty-two?" followed by (in my head) "And you're a Republican? Do you even pay taxes?"
In preparation for the upcoming Spanish version of mittromney.com, my boss today asked me to begin researching the "UX [user experience] preferences of Hispanic users"
Monday - May 14
Overheard:
In a Southern accent: "Don't be uppity!? I'm not uppity!"
Speaking of uppity, today Obama came out with his first attack website: Romneyeconomics.com. I can't answer for any of the accusations made therein, but personally, I've got my own reasons to doubt the Gov. I've been full-time Romney-staff for two weeks now and have yet to sign any paperwork. If this is how he treats his own employees, how's he going to treat the country?
Tuesday - May 15
So far still no paycheck. My boss blames it on taxes, says, "that's what I was told was the issue."
My strategy research on Spanish websites has turned up this tidbit from a 2010 AOL Advertising study: don't worry about building a Spanish version of your website, since the majority of Hispanics prefer English content. "Online Hispanics are not opting for one language over the other. Rather, they're looking for the best online experience, regardless of language." In fact, the study asserts that among Hispanics there is a strong mistrust of sites in Spanish.
I Skype this information to my boss, who assures me, "thats interesting, and not surprising...however, unfortunately, the spanish website is being made from more of a political perspective...as opposed to an actual usable tool for spanish speakers."
As in, we don't give a crap what the Hispanics actually think. We just want to look like we do.
Overheard:
A dude is showing off his new shoes. He says they are made of yak leather.
"They smell different don't they?"
"Yeah," dude #2 says, "they smell gamey."
For some reason, my dad takes great pleasure in the fact I'm working for Romney, as if I've finally come to my senses. "Maybe they'll convert you," he says, smiling. He voted for Obama in '08, but I'm convinced he's a secret Republican. I think he likes the idea of aligning himself with the 1%. Or maybe it's the whole Israel thing.
"I wouldn't count on it, dad," I said.
My paycheck is allegedly coming this Friday, though it was supposed to be here Wednesday, and my health care has yet to arrive, even though that was supposed to be in place on Day 1, which was over two weeks ago. Right. They can't even get me signed-up for health care, but somehow ObamaCare's a bad thing? For Pete's sake, I've got two small hyper-allergic children at home!
Wednesday - May 16
I finally know what the hold-up was about regarding my nonexistent health care and paycheck. There appears to be some issue with my vetting. Big surprise there. Zac Moffatt, Head of Digital (honestly the nicest, most sincere guy in the world -- I would have pursued working for him post-election if it didn't also mean working for the Republicans) called me into his office to discuss.
"So," he said, "it seems like there's some issue with your vetting."
"Yeah," I said, "I kind of figured, what with me being a comedy writer and all."
"Well now, I don't care about any of this stuff, but the vetters wanted me to talk things over with you."
"Sure, sure."
"First of all, they said you're all over the Obama site?"
"All over the.."
"You've been going through the Obama site a lot. I'm assuming that has something to do with your work."
"Oh, yeah. I'm putting together some strategy reports on Obama's website."
"Right. That's what I thought," he said, "That's fine."
Wow. Really? They're monitoring my computer activity that closely?
Zac continued, "Now, they found something else that says you've done naked standup comedy? Is that real?"
"Yes, that's right. It's a naked comedy show over at ImprovBoston in Cambridge. All the comedians are naked. It's not like I just got naked on stage or anything. It's all totally legit. Everyone knows we're going to be naked."
"That's fine. Also, something you wrote for something called the Drum. They said it was anti-Semitic?"
Calm down, Steve. Relax. Take a breath. Don't forget, you left that story online so they would have something to find. Now they've found it. Everything's cool. Nothing is f**ked here, dude. You knew they'd find that.
"Okay. First of all, I'm Jewish, so technically I don't think you can accuse me of being anti..."
"Nobody's accusing you..."
"Besides which, the story isn't anti-Semitic. The story's about anti-Semitism. I can print it out for you if you like."
"No need. I believe you."
Then I remembered an old standup bit of mine and decided to run with it:
"Seriously. I'm not a self-hating Jew. I'm a self-cleaning Jew. Very low maintenance."
Zac smiled. "Look, you passed the interviews, obviously you're capable. That's all I care about. This is just stuff they make us do. Now, one more thing. It says here you got kicked out of DNC?"
There it is. The Google search result content I knew would come around to bite me in the ass. I mulled it over for a moment and decided it wasn't worth the risk. So I lied.
"Oh yeah, that. That's all made-up."
"So you didn't go to the DNC?"
"No, no, I did. With the Lampoon. The rest of it is all made-up though."
Zac seemed disappointed. "Oh, okay," he said. Immediately, I regretted my decision. Maybe I shouldn't have lied. Zac is a solid guy. Maybe he would've liked the fact I got thrown out of the DNC. It was the Democratic convention, after all. It's not like I messed with the Republicans.
"It's tough," Zac continued, "there's just no room for comedy in politics. If an SNL guy walked in here looking for a job, we'd fire him too."
"Yeah, well, SNL came from National Lampoon," I reminded him.
Then he asked me if I'd care whether or not my job title was with Romney for President or with Targeted Victory -- would it make any difference?
"Not at all" I replied, "doesn't matter to me at all. But it's funny, you know, like, I've never been arrested or anything..."
I should have shut my mouth right there. Quit while I was ahead. But then I inexplicably added something that--in hindsight--should have gotten me fired immediately. I couldn't help it. I was still upset about the Romney-bullying story and their accusation of anti-Semitism. So what I added was this:
"...not like the Gov."
Let this serve as a further testament to Zac's compassionate nature. If I were him I would told me to pack my bags right there. Then again, it wasn't like I was making stuff up. It was all true: back in 1981 Mitt Romney was arrested for disorderly conduct after blatantly ignoring a cop. Which was something I admired about the Gov. Because despite all the times I'd conducted myself disorderly, I'd somehow never been arrested for it. So apparently you really have to work at it.
Insert one long, uncomfortable pause.
"Okay, well, thanks, Steve. I think that clears everything up."
Minutes later, my boss is comforting me over Skype:
"They take their jobs very seriously, these are the same people who will vet the next potential VP of the united states...I haven't talked to them about it since this morning so i'm not sure...but if that's the way it goes, i will tell you that 3/4 of the people in this office work for either TV, American Rambler, FLS or some other company that is a sub company of the campaign...the only difference is that your paycheck comes from them. You can still put MR on your resume...its how we legally launder money."
I'm assuming my boss meant that as a joke.
So, back in April I mentioned a disheveled dude who works on the campaign. Maybe you remember -- the homeless cowboy? Turns out he's a relatively famous Texas Ad Man. My boss says, "his better days were a few years ago creatively but he's freakin hilarious." I say, "Mine, too," referring to my best days being behind me (for which I blame my hyper-allergic children), to which she replies, "Nah. You seem to have done far less cocaine." Which is generous and true by default, as I've never tried cocaine.
Mental Note: shmooze the Ad Man ASAP.
Thursday - May 17
Never been arrested. Never used cocaine. Something tells me I will not be long for this job.
Friday - May 18
Still no paycheck.
Stay tuned for the next Trumped-up installment of Steve Brykman's 'I'm with Mitt: Adventures in Amercia!' Coming soon!