I'm With Stupid: Todd's Stupid True Identity Finally Revealed

Have you heard the conspiracy theory that Katy Perry is really JonBenet Ramsey? (Ramsey, you may recall, was the 6-year-old Colorado girl murdered in her own home in 1996, and Perry, you may recall, is a California-born singer who was 12 in 1996 who seems to be quite popular with the kids these days.)

According to people on the Internet -- the world's most reliable, trusted resource -- Ramsey's death was a hoax designed to help her become a star years later as Perry. And you can tell they're the same person, according to a YouTube user named Jungle Surfer, because they have the same eyebrows and their parents look similar. That's damning evidence right there. I'm convinced.

A lot of people have been quick to point out that the whole theory is stupid. To those people, I would like to say that you're wrong. It's brilliant. Think about it. Ramsey was pretending to be a girl six years older than herself, with a different name, in a totally different state, who hadn't the remotest connection to Ramsey's alleged murder. How could that not make someone famous?

Besides, I wouldn't put it past some deranged, publicity-hungry parents to do something just like that. It's exactly the kind of stunt I'd expect from the entertainment industry, and it's not without precedent, as I know all too well.

Yes, you read that right. It's hard for me say this, having lived with the secret for so long, but I, too, was once a famous child who supposedly died under mysterious circumstances, and I've been living a lie ever since. It's time for me to finally come clean.

The world may know me as Todd Hartley, but I am, in fact, Little Mikey. You may remember me from my star turn in a Life cereal ad from 1972 in which I, who allegedly didn't like anything, liked Life cereal, prompting my on-screen brother to announce, "He likes it! Hey, Mikey!"

To prove I'm actually Mikey, I encourage you to take a moment to do an Internet search for me. Go ahead. I'll wait.

OK, you see that kid in the pictures with the red shirt and the spoon, the pudgy kid with the poofy bowl haircut? Ask anyone who knew me before my hair fell out, and they'll tell you: That is exactly what I used to look like. (Right now, every member of my family is nodding in agreement as they read this.)

As many of you know, I was supposedly killed as an adolescent when I swallowed a toxic cocktail of Pop Rocks and Coke. My "official" cause of death was acute over-carbonation causing catastrophic fizz-related damage to my duodenum and gallbladder, but that was all a lie.

People thought they saw me down a packet of Pop Rocks and chug a Coke, which might indeed have proved fatal, but what they didn't know is that the Coke had been sitting out, opened, for a couple of days and was totally flat. What looked like me flopping on the ground having a convulsion was actually me doing a masterful acting job, thank you very much.

Since then, I've been a kid from Connecticut who moved to a small town in the mountains of Colorado to write an obnoxious column that no one reads -- you know, the fast track to fame and fortune. And boy, has it ever made me Katy Perry-famous. You practically can't walk past a checkout counter without noticing my face splashed across the tabloids. I bet you're all sick of seeing me everywhere.

Now that I've revealed my true identity, however, I will ascend to heights of stardom that Perry can only dream of. I'll be bigger than Jesus, by golly. My name will be known by everyone around the world, and when aliens come to learn about our culture, I'll be the first thing they hear of. That's how big I'm going to be.

So here I go. Gonna be huge. Any minute now. Getting excited just thinking about it.

(In case you're wondering when would be a good time to start making me famous, now would work.)

Here it comes. Super-famous. Any minute now. Big-time.

Anyone? Hello?

Well, damn it, that didn't work at all. Hmm. I guess maybe Katy Perry isn't really JonBenet Ramsey after all. I never would have guessed. But Ted Cruz is definitely the Zodiac Killer. I know it's true because some guy on the Internet said he was.

Todd Hartley really does like Life cereal, in case you're wondering. To read more or leave a comment, please visit zerobudget.net.