Ending a twenty-seven year history, the popular Immigration Lottery will be shut down. Originally intended to promote cultural diversity by making available 50,000 permanent resident visas annually to natives of countries deemed to have low rates of immigration to the United States, the program has been determined to be a huge security risk. Huge.
At a press conference today, President Trump announced that he would “clean up the mess” created by Obama in 1923 which allows “billions of very bad hombres” into the country. “Literally billions,” he stated. “I’ve heard that from a lot of people.”
The President issued an Executive Order that finally lays out the long-awaited details of “Extreme Vetting.” According to the EO, a new Department of Immigration Management (DIM) will be created and empowered to process all refugees and other immigration hopefuls. Applicants will be transported to a remote island in an undisclosed location where they will be housed and fed, at their own expense, until each can be individually “vetted” in hand-to-hand combat against specially trained teams of leopards and wolves in a “Vetting Arena.” The vetting will be monitored by on-site observers who pay $200,000 each for the privilege of watching Democracy in action. The proceedings will also be aired live on a new Reality TV show, “Green Card Gladiators.”
Anyone surviving the new vetting process is a proven dangerous undesirable and immediately returned to whatever hellhole he or she was fleeing. The rest will be provisionally admitted to the U.S. for interment or cremation.
When fake journalists from failing news outlets questioned the high expected cost of the new program, the White House promised that construction of the Arena and adjacent facilities would be paid for in full by the refugees themselves.
Opponents of the new program called it an “appalling circus” and likened it to the gladiatorial games of Ancient Rome. The President welcomed the comparison. “Ancient Rome was the birthplace of Democracy,” he said. “You can look it up. The birthplace. Anyone who is against my great plan is against Democracy. Maybe even a terrorist. Honestly, you have to wonder about their loyalty. Maybe we ought to vet them extremely. Just saying!”
When a reporter pointed out that Athens, Greece was the birthplace of Democracy, the president was unfazed. “More lies by the corrupt media.”
In an effort to quell protests, the Administration is offering vouchers for a limited number of tickets to the games.
Following the press conference, the President embarked on a triumphant motorcade parade through the streets of Washington DC followed by legions of paid supporters, trucks displaying massive piles gold, priceless artworks looted from the White House and a 100 foot tall replica of the Manhattan Trump Tower built entirely out of boxes of Ivanka Trump Eau de Cologne(™).
A version of this satire originally published in Essay Club