A month ago, while walking with my nearly 10-year-old son, he said to me "Mummy you do too much for me and Sami. I am so thankful, but you need to look after yourself!" This made my heart melt. He further went on with suggestions of how I can introduce self-care into my day.
A few days before "our chat" I had just come back from a week away from my family (first time ever). While away I realized that I was exhausted -- both mentally and physically. Years of heartache has taken a toll on me. You see my son was born with a rare liver disease and this journey has been hard. We lived in constant fear as our life was made up of a series of unknowns. Even now 10 years later, we are in and out of hospital and I can finally admit that this had broken me.
I am the type of mom who will never give up and will find a way to make it all right. I would stay up all night researching and I even changed careers to become a nutritionist as I fully believe that food, as well as other alternative care can make a positive difference in Kian's and our health.
Even though our journey has been hard, I am generally positive and always believe that things will work out. I do not spend time feeling sorry for myself, but instead spend my time finding a solution and doing all I can to make a difference.
I decided to take my son's advice and took a few weeks off from "life" I spent many hours reflecting, meditating, sleeping, spending precious time with loved ones and just giving my brain a rest from it all.
Today I can happily say that I feel a sense of peace within and I want to fill this space with loving, kindness and soak up the energy created when I spend time with positive, vibrant people. My heart feels so light and beaming with brightness.
My life will still consist of regular hospital appointments, and ensuring that my son gets the best care. For many years I have been on auto pilot and dealt with this pain by showing up as a hard person who can take it all. Today I am scared as this hardness; i.e. protection has disappeared and I feel vulnerable, however I am grateful that I feel human again, with emotions and feelings. I will no longer be treated badly or used as a punching bag. Life including mine is precious.
My son has taught me that self care is so necessary to keep our heads above water and I am grateful for this lesson and I can now see all the beauty that is in front of me.
I have learnt that however unfortunate we think our life is, there is someone worse off than us. I am the mother of Kian and feel sorry for his path, but he is the one who lives with this pain daily. Kian doesn't spend his days complaining, blaming someone else or being depressed, instead he is happy and excited about what new adventures the day will bring.
I always knew that my children will be my biggest teachers. I am grateful for this recent lesson that has set me free. I am looking forward to enjoying this new space that has been created. I know that through unpredictability, I will create possibility.
Nishma is a health coach residing in Texas. She starting her nutrition career in London, UK and moved to Texas with her family last year. Nishma's line of expertise is children's health and mother's wellbeing. www.essentialharmony.net