COMEDY

The Questions We All Have About Nintendo's New Mini NES

Really important, hard-hitting questions.

Nintendo’s new Mini NES was released last week and sold out so quickly, there’s a good chance most of you reading don’t have one yet. But if you’re like this reporter, you still have a lot of unanswered questions about Nintendo’s retro machine. 

  • Do I have to let my idiot brother play it?
  • What safeguards are you implementing to keep my idiot brother from playing my NES?
  • What do you recommend doing when I’m not home and my idiot brother sneaks into my room and tries to play my mini NES?
  • I noticed the controller cord is only 2.5 feet ― that’s not very long. Will the cord detach or will it take the whole system with it when my idiot brother trips over the cord?
  • What’s the warranty like on this for when my idiot brother trips over the controller cord and rips it off the shelf?
  • Can I get replacement controllers when my idiot brother gets angry and chucks it across the room because I destroyed him in Tecmo Bowl?
  • If the controller is secured in the controller port, will it swing back and hit me in the face when my idiot brother gets pissed off that I also dominated him in Excitebike and flings it at the wall?
  • Why is my brother such a big baby?
  • Will the NES Mini come with headphones? Not for while I’m playing, but rather to tune out the sound of my idiot brother cursing up a storm in the other room, because he can’t beat the Quick Man stage in Mega Man 2.
  • Will Nintendo have some deal to buy multiple systems, for when my parents end up buying us each one to avoid a blood bath between me and my idiot brother?
  • It looks like you can save at any point, which is great! How do I go into my idiot brother’s mini NES and erase his saves?
  • Is it possible you’ll be releasing a mini SNES or mini N64? There are a lot of games I want to crush my idiot brother in for those systems, too.
  • How do I find out if my idiot brother is adopted?
  • Do you think there’s a chance?

Thank you, Nintendo. I look forward to your response. 

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