Let’s talk about Imposter Syndrome for a minute today. If this is your first time hearing of the syndrome let’s start with the definition:
Imposter Syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome:) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a "fraud".
So what does that mean? It means no matter what your status or position that even being considered an expert you will question yourself. You have a part of you that is rooted in self-doubt. You’re constantly aware of all the things you don’t know and discredit yourself even when you know what you are saying is factual.
Why would people believe in you? What gives you the right to go out there and chase your passion when other people out there are more experienced than you? You’re going to look like a fool! Someone is going to tell everyone out there that you are a fraud and don’t deserve to be in the position you are! Go back to working for someone else, you absolutely are going to fail on your own because when it comes down to it, you have no idea what you are doing!
Any of that sound familiar?
As I turn forty in July I am self reflecting a lot more than usual, which is saying something because I’m a pro in self reflection and sabotage.
A couple decades ago I was full of life and determination. No anxiety, no self doubt, no wondering. I finished ninth grade, went to a week or so of tenth grade and decided it was time to move out on my own and go live life. Guess what? I did. Got my GED, moved into my own place, started college. I never doubted myself or the life I was going to have.
Then I met my oldest son’s father. I joyfully and completely unafraid moved across the country from Baltimore to Phoenix - into a black hole of abuse. I was twenty, pregnant, and regularly degraded and randomly knocked into my place. I left. He stole my car and crashed it into a tree without me knowing it was him so when I had nothing I went back. Eventually after he held a 9mm to my head while I was holding my six month old son I made a plan and left.
I left to eventually go right back into an abusive marriage, he didn’t hit me so it was okay. Instead I was his surrogate mother who he was allowed to verbally terrorize because my self esteem and self worth was annihilated. It took seven years to build up the belief I could live without him to leave.
The damage, oh the damage that I didn’t even realize. I was “fat.” I was “worthless.” I “didn’t know how to earn my keep.” I was “unattractive, ugly even.”
Ten years later and every time I look in the mirror I see all of it. I see how fat I am, how ugly, how worthless because I’m fat and ugly. I sit here crying into my coffee, writing to you in what has now become self therapy. Why would you listen to me? Why would you support me? I don’t deserve for my words to resonate with you, to help you (I erased the word help FIVE times because it felt too important to write about myself.)
Have you ever gone to therapy and you have an hour to dig into that subconscious and right in the middle of the now crisis, your time is up? Wait, I have to leave? BUT BUT BUT, I AM NOT READY! You walk to your car or hop on the bus in this convoluted mess of your own reality wondering how you’re going to end the session on your own? That’s where I’m at with this blog post. I need to pull it all together in some poetic fashion that makes it all make sense. Finish strong! You’re posting on the Huffington Post, how can you be so inept? How could you have ever received an email from Arianna Huffington saying she would publish you? Must have been hurting for submissions because, well…. Why would they publish you?