In America, Only Some Nipples Can Be Free

Attractive young couple having fun at the beach
Attractive young couple having fun at the beach

Nipples should never be free. To clarify: Women's nipples should never be free.

It's fine if a man's nipples are exposed to the public, because a man's body is obviously great and inoffensive in any and every possible form. Society has even created a term for men who aren't the most fit, to make them feel better about themselves: dad bod.

Women's bodies, on the other hand, need to be criticized in every form and photoshopped beyond recognition. We all know that advertisements geared to women only work if they make women feel bad about themselves.

A woman's nipples cannot be exposed in public, because men will be unable to control themselves. If men can barely control themselves around women who wear clothes in the workplace or on the street, how can a man control himself next to a woman who is not wearing a top and has exposed breasts and not one but two exposed nipples? If a woman's nipples are exposed in public for non-sexual purposes, and something happens to her, it's clearly her own fault. She should have known that men cannot control themselves when they ogle a woman in the street, and that a provocation like this can result in catcalling or worse behavior.

If society allows a woman's nipples to be exposed in public, why, she will feel empowered! We cannot have empowered nipples of empowered women released upon the world. It would be a detriment to all the battles people have fought to take away women's rights. Nipples of women must remain hidden!

If men and women currently do not live in an equal United States, why should the nipples of men and women be equal? If there is nipple equality, then women will take that as a leap forward in modern feminism, and we cannot have that. What'll be next? Equal pay in the workplace? Maternity and paternity leave? A woman's control over her own body?

Absolutely not.

If men and women cannot be equal in the workforce while actually wearing clothing, then it makes sense that men and women cannot be equal with exposed nipples and no clothing.

Can women actually be trusted to make their own educated decisions when it comes to whether or not they should expose a breast in public? Men are flaunting their nipples with pride on public beaches, and that's OK because it's been that way for decades. Women have always been hiding their breasts and nipples behind fashionable bathing suits. What will happen when women are no longer required to cover up? Why should a woman be given the power to pop a boob out of her top, on a whim? What will the fashion industry do -- continue to sell bikinis as two-pieces, with separate tops and bottoms?

Men can wear whatever they want, but women should never be allowed to make their own choices, especially when it pertains to how they dress. Even then, men should have a final say in what women wear. Actually, men and only men should have a say about the female body!

A woman's nipples cannot be exposed and used for healthy, useful things like breastfeeding. If a baby is hungry, that baby should cry and remain unhappy until the mother can cover the baby's head and the offending nipple with a blanket (or some other uncomfortable cloth). The mother should be resourceful enough to find a remote location in which to expose her breast to the natural world. In the best case scenario, she should avoid using her breasts entirely, even if she has no difficulty breastfeeding and would like to nurse her child.

In summary, a woman's nipples should only be exposed for entertainment and sexual purposes -- specifically, but not limited to, movies, television shows, Broadway plays and porn.

Needless to say, keeping a woman's nipples hidden also applies to social media. Women can only be topless with exposed nipples if said nipples are actually photoshopped nipples, copied and pasted from photos of men. Yes, it is actually acceptable to have a man's nipple photoshopped over a woman's nipple. Again, a woman must never reveal her nipples under any circumstance, unless it's for the pleasure of a man.

But men -- please expose yourselves whenever and wherever you want! In fact, the exposing of men's nipples should be a requirement whenever the temperature soars above a comfortable 80 degrees. Heck, why not snowboard topless -- the world is your shirtless oyster, men!

So please, ladies, keep those nipples hidden. This is America, after all, and only some nipples can, and should, be free.