There is no set age where a person can officially be labeled as a curmudgeon. A toddler can act like one. If you’ve ever been stuck in traffic, then you’ve probably entered curmudgeon territory. For some reason, curmudgeons have typically been thought of as older people, most likely male, who seem to be in a perpetual state of crankiness. To be labeled a curmudgeon is not really meant as a compliment, but perhaps it should be. For the most part, curmudgeons are people that have simply grown tired of your bullshit. And they don’t mind dressing you down if need be.
In Fredrik Backman’s bestseller, Ove, the reader dives headfirst into the life of one such individual. Ove lives in Sweden, and he is by definition a curmudgeon. He is short with people. He’s not friendly in any way. His life is ruled by rules, and he likes it that way. And in his neighborhood, you had better not drive your motor vehicle in the residential area, something that makes no sense to people who live where two-car garages are essential, and attached to their homes. Residential areas in Sweden must be very different from ours here in the United States. Oh, and if you drive something other than a Saab, there must be something wrong with you.
The most fascinating part of Backman’s novel is Ove’s evolution into a curmudgeon. He flips from Ove’s cranky present, to his past. In each flashback the reader gets a little insight into Ove’s life and the events that made him into the man he became. Let’s just say that Ove had his share of tough breaks. But perhaps his only piece of good luck was meeting the girl that he would marry. Sonja was way out of his league, but she saw something in Ove that no one else could. Ove never could figure out why she married him, but he knew one thing for sure: he loved her deeply. Their forty year plus marriage ended with her terrible illness and death, and that’s where the reader picks up on Ove’s current timeline. And it’s where the reader stops judging Ove and his behavior so much. It’s tougher to judge someone when you know their history, or if they are fundamentally a decent person who happens to be a character in a love story.
There is a little Ove in all of us. As a matter of fact, there should be some. And that amount increases with age, not because we are unhappy or ill-tempered, but because we are smarter and wiser and more experienced as human beings. When a person gets older, time increases as a precious commodity, and when someone wastes that resource, curmudgeons get particularly vocal about it.
Now if you are someone who is constantly nosing your way into other people’s business that doesn’t concern you, you are gossip and a busybody; you are not a curmudgeon. Curmudgeons, as a rule, mind their own business, unless someone forces their business on them. If you’ve ever had an encounter with a curmudgeon, it probably stuck with you for a while. And most likely you knew, deep down, that the curmudgeon had a point. People get the most defensive when they know they’re wrong but can’t seem to admit it.
Here are a few life lessons that every curmudgeon would like you to learn (I know this because I am a bit of one.)
Quit lining up early to board a plane if you have an assigned seat.
Southwest Airlines aside, there is absolutely no reason to get in the long line that inevitably forms while people are waiting to board a flight. Listen, you have an assigned seat! No one is going to sit there; it’s reserved for you. Be smart, be the last one on the plane. A curmudgeon knows that the less time spent on an airplane with a bunch of knuckleheads, the better. Oh, and if you’re worried about room for your carry-on in the overhead bin, check the damn thing.
I wanna smack you. Just sayin’
If you are talking to me, and finish a sentence with the phrase, “Just Sayin’”, then you are a moron. I know you just said it. I heard the words come out of your mouth. You do not need to tell me you just said it because I was there and I was paying attention. When did this phrase become popular? Curmudgeons are not fans of wasted anything, including the air and time used to utter this phrase. Stop it.
Standing in line at the latest, coolest restaurant
No one is a fan of standing in line. Obviously. But if I can piggyback off of the first item on my list, let’s focus on the fact that you are standing in line because you chose to do it; you didn’t have to. I stand in line in the grocery store when I’m ready to check out. I stand in line at the movie theater to order popcorn. I stand in line to get into football games. Fair enough. But when you decide a pizza, or a hamburger, or some barbecue is so good that you have to wait in a line out the restaurant door and around the corner for an hour or more...well, no way, no how. In Austin, Texas, there are two restaurants almost as famous for their lines as they are for their food. They serve burgers and barbecue respectively. To be fair, the food is fantastic. But there is no way I’m standing in line for it, not a line like that anyway. My time is worth more than their food, and with that, I’m off to have a juicy steak somewhere.
Public Swimming Pools
Public swimming pools usually have posted a long list of rules people are supposed to read and follow. No running. No glass. No food. No horseplay. There are lots of “no” activities involved in swimming at these facilities. Sadly, these rules are broken so willy nilly that a proper curmudgeon can’t handle it. Especially when the rules are basically designed for enjoyment of the pool patrons as a group. The icing on the cake is that any child under the age of 12 can’t go to a pool without yelling and screaming constantly. Screaming kids and curmudgeons are a bad mix.
Use Your Blinker!
Enough said. (A curmudgeon would never say “Nuff Said”, even though technically it is shorter.)
Popular Music
If your favorite artist doesn’t actually write their own music, AND play at least one musical instrument with proficiency, then they are not really musicians.
Sushi
Curmudgeons call this bait.
This is a small list to be sure, and most certainly you have learned something that could enlighten the masses of human beings that have not figured out some basic life lesson, a lesson that, as a curmudgeon, you wish everyone knew and understood. A lesson that Ove would be unhappy to have to explain.
There is a time in life where people transition from having encounters with curmudgeons, to having encounters with fools. Think about that for a minute and then think about the last time you came across either one. That will tell you a lot about yourself. And it may be time to embrace your inner curmudgeon.
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