In Post-Brexit Turmoil, Parliament Suspends Magna Carta And Grants Queen Absolute Power

In a desperate, unprecedented attempt to restore political stability, the British Parliament voted yesterday to suspend the Magna Carta and, in the interim, to grant absolute power to Queen Elizabeth II.

The post-BREXIT turmoil has, in effect, left the country completely leaderless. Tweeting his parliamentary colleagues, David Cameron, the discredited, soon-to- depart Prime Minister, begged them to "Face facts. #Monarchy is only institution in the country that possesses respect and trust of people. #Queen and ONLY Queen can keep UK united."

Meanwhile, Jeremy Corbyn, the discredited, soon-to-depart leader of Britain's Labour Party, tweeted his colleagues, declaring that, "2 Hell w/ Democracy! The bloody system doesn't work! Give the old girl absolute power. Why not? She can't do any worse than we have."

Suspending the Magna Carta seems almost unthinkable. It has been in effect since 1215 when it was imposed to curb the abuse of authority by King John I (best known for his villainous role in the Robin Hood legend). Under the Magna Carta, the king could no longer impose new taxes without consent of Parliament. It also forbade the King from personally ordering the arrest and punishment of a subject without lawful judgment.

Soon after Parliament acted, the Queen tweeted her subjects throughout the kingdom, notifying them that "I shall now #rule as well as #reign. And I promise to do so with liberty and justice for all." Later in the day, however, when issuing her first decrees under her absolute authority, the Queen threw this promise out the window.

Her Majesty closed the Tower of London as a museum open to the public and ordered it restored immediately to its former use as a royal prison. Then she dispatched a squad of armed Beefeaters to arrest her former daughter-in-law, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York. "Fergie," as the Duchess is popularly known, has been plagued for years by legal, financial, and weight-gain problems that have repeatedly embarrassed the Royal Family.

The squad forcibly escorted the Duchess to the Tower where she is now imprisoned in the same cell that once briefly housed Anne Boleyn, the doomed second wife of Henry VIII, before she was beheaded on the Tower green. By royal command, all food to be provided Fergie while she's imprisoned must meet strict Weight Watchers standards.

It should be emphasized that the Act just passed by Parliament only suspends the Magna Carta; it does not repeal it. The Act is to be in effect for the duration of Queen Elizabeth's personal reign only. When she dies, power reverts to Parliament. Since Her Majesty is now ninety, this lapse in representative government in Great Britain may be brief.

The Queen's eldest son and heir, Prince Charles, fiercely objects to this provision, citing the ancient claim made by English monarchs that they possess a "divine right" to the throne. Based on this claim, the Prince is circulating a petition demanding that the Queen use her now absolute power to dissolve Parliament permanently. In a tweet sent his "Mum," the Prince admonished her "to do your duty to God and transmit the Crown to me unimpeded when I succeed."

The Queen's response to the Prince was devoid of her customary graciousness. Her tweet consisted of an abbreviation frequently employed in the twitter-sphere to express complete indifference. It reads simply "#DILLIGAS."