In Surprise, Republicans Offer Early Retirement to Obama, Biden

"We are giving the President early retirement with full pay and benefits," announced Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell. "Plus, we'll pay to build his presidential library in whatever country he was born in."

"The nation's primary voters are telling us it's time to end 7 years of rancor with this President. So we're promoting him out of his job," winked McConnell through his turtleneck.

"We are also giving Vice President Biden full salary plus the gift shop concession in the White House lobby. That's as close as he'll ever get to the Oval Office again," explained McConnell.

"We're basically making them an offer they can't refuse."

McConnell said that citizens would sleep well, knowing that the nation's work is still being done despite the forced retirements of the two top officials. "We are in the process of hiring a temp to take care of both jobs until the beginning of Donald Trump's term."

"We've obstructed everything Obama wanted to do anyway, so it's not like the temp will have a tough workload," McConnell chuckled.

House majority leader Paul Ryan has already been interviewing temps. High on the list is Ted Cruz's wife Heidi, a former executive at Goldman Sachs, now working on her husband's presidential campaign. "But come Super Tuesday," Ryan said, "She'll be unemployed again."

"Just about the only things she has to take care of are dusting the furniture, sorting the mail, and nominating a new Supreme Court justice," explained Ryan. "She won't mind doing that drudge work. Why, we Republicans have been doing Drudge's work for years."