I am happy. After what went down this weekend I thought I'd never be able to say that, but I am.
Since I was a child my greatest fear was what people thought of me. After almost three years of fighting for the twins, fighting for Magique and fighting for Little Angels I've come across people who have been angels, but also people who have belittled me, spread rumors about me and personally attacked me.
Time and time again I've tried to better myself. Make myself invincible. So good there was nothing left to complain about. But there always is, even if it's things the other person has made up and which has nothing, or very little to do with reality.
Many times during these years I've wanted to hide. Sometimes I have hidden. Yesterday, after receiving an accusation I was petrified. What if they actually started saying that about me? What would people think of me?
Then I realized I'd done nothing wrong. And somehow it dawned on me that all these years I've lived caught in my own prison of fear, constantly evaluating myself as a person, mother and business woman. I always set the bar so high that no matter how much I gave, I felt I could give some more. So when people accused me of things, I always tried harder, even if the accusations were unfounded. I wanted to know beyond doubt that I had done everything right. I wanted to be beyond reach. I never will be though. I'm human. And for the first time in a long time, I rather like myself for it.
There is nothing to say you can't enjoy the party just because you spilled some wine. And there is certainly nothing to say you can't enjoy the party just because someone else spilled wine on you. Nor is there anything saying you can't enjoy the wine you were given just because you're so scared of spilling it. I think that's all my insecurities. In a glass of wine. I'll meet you at the bar.
This post was first published on my personal blog, Confessions of a Dizzy Blonde.
A photo taken by myself for Magique.