I am not overly patriotic. And by overly patriotic I mean I am not – patriotic. However, several things are at play this week that bring the issue of my personal independence to the surface and it has shown that it will not be ignored (think Glen Close in Fatal Attraction).
This Sunday, there will be a full moon in Capricorn. I typically either sail through astrological events or I feel them intensely. I am already feeling the effect of this moon (maybe because Capricorn is my rising sign). And then of course we have the fourth of july. As a black woman in 2017, the concept of freedom and independence weighs heavy on my mind and is in direct conflict with my metaphysical beliefs. For over a decade, I have worked to focus on what I want and not what I don’t want. This has not been easy but I have managed to do pretty well and have manifested some pretty cool experiences. In my teachings, sustaining a high vibration is key to having the life we want. However, this has become increasingly difficult from the Trayvon Martin case, to the election and the rise in anger and hate that followed it. Maintaining focus on my goals etc. has also been challenging in the wake of the 24 hour news cycle. There was a time when I stopped watching the news because of the disproportionately low vibration content they disseminate. But after the “selection” I felt like I had to “be informed.” So, I have been watching.
At the same time, I have been subconsciously studying entertainers etc. I have been watching their interviews, listening to their music over and over, watching reality shows and reading about them. And I’ve had to wrestle with that gnawing question of do I have what it takes to “succeed”??? I say subconsciously studied them because it wasn’t something I set out to do. Like many, I have wobbled back and forth between going super hard at working out, writing, etc. and then falling off. I have asked myself/ beat myself up about this character flaw for years. I have wondered: Is it my astrological placement? Is there an energy block??? Like, what is it????
Yesterday, I heard someone say the best determinant of future behavior is past behavior. I have heard this a million times. But this time it stuck. So now I’m thinking which behavior do I focus on? The recent past where I self published a book (January), wrote a play that I’ve now brought to college campuses, conferences and even a White House event? Or do I focus on the Huff post articles I still need to write, the short film I’d like to complete and film this summer or my gym membership that has gone virtually unused since my breakup last year??? Which reality do I cling to? Do I free myself from social media, stop watching the news (or tv all together), and anything else that makes me feel my future/present is less than bright and focus on finding joy where I can?? Or do I continue to stay tapped in to what doesn’t bring me joy because it is my responsibility as an “artist” and “writer?”
In true Libra fashion I am at a crossroads. I am standing at the intersection of the american ethos…the rugged individual/artist that makes their own rules and dances to the beat of their own drum and a person that settles for a “little less” than what they deserve….because there are benefits there too…..
In reality, (or the perceived reality that is my vantage point right now) there is a cost and reward to both of these roads….cause in the words of the one and only Chuck D “freedom ain’t free.” But everyday is a choice. We choose and we choose and we choose some more. Some of those choices bring us closer to our goal. Some of those choices take us back while other keep us in the same place. Today, I chose to speak my truth, work on my movie, write this post, turn down an opportunity to be on reality tv, go to the gym and buy a gallon of distilled water. Those were the only choices I could take to move me forward. And in this moment, those choices are good…for me.
Zoë Flowers works nationally and internationally on domestic and sexual violence. Her book, From Ashes To Angel’s Dust: A Journey Through Womanhood is a collection of interviews with Black women and provides a personal look at domestic violence and the road to healing.