Injuries happen, and often they create problems in couple bed-sharing.
People hurt joints and ligaments while working out, doing chores around the house, or caring for children. They can be injured while walking, in car accidents, on vacation, and absolutely anywhere else. But in the interviews for my Two in a Bed book, many of the injuries that affected couple bed sharing occurred in the work-place. In fact, the majority of blue collar workers I interviewed had experienced serious injuries, sometimes permanent ones, while on the job. Backs, shoulders, necks, ankles, feet, wrists, or knees were damaged. Bones were broken.
Such injuries are often terrible for the person who is injured. They are also often terrible for the person's bed-sharing partner and the couple's bed-sharing relationship.
Sleeping Apart Because of The Injury
When one of partner is injured, often a bed sharing couple has to sleep apart, maybe for a day or two but sometimes for weeks, months, or even longer. The injured partner may need the whole bed in order to find a comfortable position. Or maybe the person who is injured has to sleep alone because any movement by her or his partner in the bed causes the bed to move or jostle in a way that hurts the injured partner. Sometimes the injured partner is not able to sleep lying down but must sleep sitting up in a chair. In the short turn, the separate sleeping may be distressing but also tolerable. In the long run, the couple will miss their snuggling, bedtime conversation, feelings of being close while sleeping together, feelings of being safe together, and their sexual access to each other.
Some couples find new ways to accomplish some of what they are missing. For example, in one couple, the injured partner took up the whole bed but the other partner was able to move an easy chair beside the bed and to sleep in the easy chair. So they had a certain amount of closeness. They could hear one another breathing; they were aware of one another's presence; they could talk before they fell asleep.
Sleeping Together Even Though It's Hard
Some couples with an injured partner continue to sleep in the same bed even though it's difficult. The partner who is injured might move around a lot because of pain and trying to find a comfortable position, and that movement disturbs the sleep of the other partner. Or the injured partner might feel pain because of some of the movements of the uninjured partner. The uninjured partner might work very hard not to move and thus cause distress to the injured partner, but that could make sleeping difficult for the uninjured partner.
No More Cuddling?
Injuries often block a couple's normal ways of being together in bed. For example, an injured shoulder may mean that the injured partner cannot hold the uninjured partner or have her head on his or her shoulder. Such losses, even if they are short term, can be very distressing. And if they are permanent they can be devastating. But some couples with such heavy losses as a result of injuries find new ways to cuddle, be physically close, have sex, and be in physical contact.
Blaming Each Other
One thing that surprised me about couples dealing with an injury that affected their sleeping together is how often, if they blamed anyone for difficulties sleeping, they blamed each other. It seemed to me that if I were doing factory work and had to do something that was dangerous and I hurt my back, if I was upset with someone it would be with my bosses for putting me in danger. But then maybe I have the perspective of someone who has interviewed quite a few couples in which someone with a blue collar job had had an injury that affected couple sleeping. So I know it's common in blue collar jobs that people are put in situations where they can be seriously injured. But what I found in some of my interviews is that there would be blaming of the uninjured partner for being insensitive or clumsy in ways that brought flashes of pain to the injured partner. Or the uninjured partner would blame the injured partner for being so self-centered, so much focused on his own discomfort. I can understand that kind of blaming but I wish it would stop. Best not to blame each other. If there's anyone or anything to blame, focus on the larger system that makes it so likely that bad things happen to many workers, things that not only injure them but make trouble for their partner and undermine their couple bed-sharing.