THE BLOG

Inquire Before You Accuse

11/03/2014 01:13pm ET | Updated January 3, 2015
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Being fortunate to work worldwide with various people over the years, I've found there's a common denominator either leading people to their own demise, or rather towards a life that thrives: Are you assuming, accusing and making up stories in your head or are you curious, inquiring, hearing and learning? When we jump to conclusions it is just that conclusive. But what is the foundation of the accusation?

One client I will call Mary, continually repeats a rendition of the same old pattern. Mary goes to her fear first, re-telling a story to solidify her belief of not being lovable in her relationship and searches for circumstances to substantiate this narrative she's telling herself. Sound familiar? It goes something like this. Mary sees her boyfriend, and has a want, a desire an expectation the relationship has to progress in a certain way. If her boyfriend gives viable demonstrations through his actions, words, and deeds then Mary can verify his love. In this instance, Mary was being introduced to a friend of his and he did not say she was his girlfriend. He used her first name and gave no significance to the relationship.

How often is it we go fishing and we catch a fish or we go fishing and come up empty handed? In this instance she was fishing for something to validate the relationship as unimportant. Mary found an action perceived (personal interpretation) as unloving and excluding. Her whole goal and objective is to be loved, included and seen. But before Mary can go asking this from another, she has to do her own internal work of including, loving and seeing herself. This may sound very airy-fairy, but there is a science to this called resonance. What ever is vibrationally matching the energy you are emitting will be drawn to you through the conscious and unconscious mind. In layman terms what you seek you shall find.

Mary then called me on the verge of tears, ready to break it off because her boyfriend did not title her as his girlfriend. I asked her what if she were to have a conversation with him inquiring about the event as opposed to accusing him of a wrongdoing. I asked her has it ever happened in the year of their relationship where she introduced him without prefacing it was her boyfriend. Mary thought for a moment and then said yes. I asked what was her desired outcome. Did she really want to break it off? She responded to grow closer with him and to be acknowledged as his girlfriend.

We went deeper. I asked if this outcome was to happen, would you be satisfied? Mary said no, because she also wanted more time from him. When someone is looking for ways to justify not getting what they want, they will conjure, assume, accuse, creating scenarios to get their needs met. Sometimes we get what we need, not what we want. The Rolling Stones said it best: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you find you get what you need." Mary's need was being fulfilled. The need was to find something to show she wasn't enough. Thoughts continually default to it's not enough, looking for what's wrong, so she got exactly what she was looking for.

Nowhere in the conversation was she telling me what an amazing partner she has, or how lovely it was to see him and meet his friends. Nowhere in the conversation did Mary jump for joy in gratitude that she even has a partner who CHOOSES to be with her, or that by chance she got to see him coincidentally. Remember folks everything is a choice. With seven billion people on the planet, we choose what we do and how we do it and with whom we do it with.

When we go into accusing, we forget our part in co-creation. What thoughts might have preceded the events that caused this to occur? Oftentimes I am in amazement how things don't always go as planned or how we would like it to be. However there is a gift in this too. It's a matter of really seeing the glass half full or half empty. Our perception defines the reality we adhere to. Is life full of opportunities, or do you subscribe to life being hard and unfair that the world is happening TO you, not YOU to it.

We direct our intellect and like an domestic pet, our mind requires consistency and training. The unconscious psyche can take over, therefore we must direct the intellect back into the heart where it all starts. The "common denominator," is we all seek love and connection. When we are in lack of perceiving that love and connection we can easily jump into accusation and destruction. How do we construct a new reality when the one we see feels similar to auto pilot or repeat? We change the dial on the station we are tuned into. We find something to focus on we like more. How? If I'm fixated on complaining about what I don't want and I don't like, where is my point of focus? Sometimes we find satisfaction being on a certain station, as it attunes us to seeing the opposite and inquiring what it is we would like. However, if we tune in too long to what's not working, we start to fuel what we feed. If you feed the hunger with junk food you may feel sated for a moment but ultimately the body will keep yearning for real nourishment. This is where we can make the choice to incorporate better feeling thoughts, actions, speech, and connections into our lives to feed the hunger for love and connection, rather than feeding the pain of lack and desire. It truly is a choice.

Here's how. Acknowledge very simply your speech patterns and the words you use. It can be a simple as re-languaging your life to one that fuels fun and pleasure as opposed to complaining about whats missing, or through insults or blame. What if you were to take 100 percent Response-Ability for your life and your choices today? It is our ability to respond in ways that support growth and expansion, not condemn our past. Condone what you love to experience. Visualize what it may look like to have a partner who included you and showed up according to your value system. Give yourself ample time to connect to those thoughts, words and images.

I heard a great teacher once say as I'll summarize it in my words: "Be the master of your destiny not the victim of your hi-story."

Getting curious and asking questions before you assume to know, creates discovery and compassion for mutual understanding. If you want to live a life more fully in your heart, learn to direct the intellect and train yourself to be real with what you feel. Use words to fuel you. Going from fear to faith or accusing into inquiry, requires a moment of response-ability. Take a beat. Look at all the connections that led you to your very moment in time. How did you create it? Examining each scenario consciously and unconsciously, will help us get more concise with using power of speech and imagery. This aligns the conscious desires to the subconscious mind and we become more deliberate with thoughts, words, and deeds.

Take response-ability for your actions. As you enable yourself to be aware that the behavior occurring is just that; a behavior. It may mean modifying behavior to meet long term goals. To love and thrive in an environment where you truly believe everything around you is here to benefit you. The life becomes a different journey. Your perception of what may seem wrong, is the very thing that will lead you to knowing and feeling what is right for you individually. All we experience is ourself.