Eric Bolling, host of Fox New's The Five has uncovered a liberal conspiracy of a scope and magnitude unimaginable by an average mind. Bolling, known for his keen analytical skills, yesterday revealed the truth behind "Sandra Fluke," the sex-drug terrorist who blew up Rush Limbaugh:
President Obama, on the ropes with the economy and specifically with women voters, gets Mrs. Fluke to create a controversy, and the liberal media puppets play along as scripted.
Now that the rat is out of the bag, we can reveal how the whole thing went down:
In the fall of 2009, just as Obamacare was being pushed through as a means of taking away everybody's freedom, Obama and his cohorts planted one "Sandra Fluke" at the Georgetown Law School. She was chosen, as The Five panelist Andrea Tantaros observed, because she was "supremely radical and part of this fringe gender mania sect." There she remained embedded, working quietly to undermine religious law studies, until she was activated late last month.
"Sandra Fluke" was sent in to sabotage a House Republican hearing on Obama's latest iniquity, an extra-evil plan to destroy America by handing out free contraceptives at school and playgrounds, precipitating the kind of orgies that brought down Rome. Rep. Darrell Issa, suspecting a trap, blocked the testimony; this was as expected. Had Issa allowed "Sandra Fluke" to speak, and had she said what she later told a Democratic panel, there would have no controversy and the plot would have unraveled.
The key to the scheme, however, was to lure Rush Limbaugh into calling her a slut, douchebaggery consistent with the rest of his work but by no means a given. This was accomplished by feeding every one of Limbaugh's past utterances into a DARPA neural net supercomputer, creating a virtual persona, a Rushbot if you will, which was presented with nearly 18,000 variables across 10 billion simulations until the right outrage could be reliably elicited. The pageboy haircut and name Sandra were chosen, for example, to evoke Sandra Pessler, a girl Limbaugh dated at Southeast Missouri State University in 1971 until she left him for a hippie. The name "Fluke" was chosen for its resemblance to "flake," wordplay that would prove irresistible to the Limbaugh wit. In several of the simulations, the surname Fluke, which rhymes with Puck, produced an even more useful outcome, but overall the results exceeded the expectations of the government scientists paid for by your taxes.
That is, unless the real conspiracy, the one even The Five missed, is that Limbaugh was the plant, a Manchurian pundit lying in wait for decades. Let me "connect-the-dots," as Bolling would say, and get back to you.