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Internet Dating for Married Moms and Douchebags

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There are quite a few news stories trending right now about a dating website called Ashley Madison, that is exclusively for married people. It's tagline is: "Life is short. Have an affair." They get about 2,500 new members per day. With some exceptions. On the day after Mother's Day last year, they had 31,427 women open new accounts. All of them married, most of them mothers.

Why? Because for many women, Mother's Day usually sucks big, sweaty, monkey balls. To say the least, it is a disappointment. And apparently, women who experience a crappy Mother's Day are more likely to cheat.

The douchebag who runs this website claims he's doing the rest of us a public service. Because otherwise, these folks would be hooking up with co-workers and getting fired or hitting more traditional dating sites and engaging in relations with unsuspecting singles. So his attitude is: "You're welcome, America."

My attitude is to flip him the double birds and then ask him in a solemn and dignified tone if he's lost his f*cking mind.

I'm not even going to get into the moral craptitude of this site. I just want to make a statement to the 30,000+ women who may decide to sign up for this "dating" service because Mother's Day was a disappointment. And here it is:

Whuck is wrong with you? On what level is this a good idea? Where is the logic? Let's use some very basic Julie-style reasoning to see how you would get from point A to point B.

Item 1: Husband is an inconsiderate, selfish dick who has no appreciation for you.
Item 2: Your Mother's Day sucked. You wanted something shiny and some flowers and some time to yourself and maybe a little romance. Instead you got him being a jackass.
Item 3: You feel justifiably bad.
Item 4: You seek out another inconsiderate, selfish dick to make yourself feel better. Except this one is also a stranger and totally anonymous and could be a serial killer and is additionally, by merit of being a member of this "service", also a lying, cheating jackhole. And probably someone who treated his own wife like schmidt on Mother's Day -- unless she wanted a painful rash and a prescription for antibiotics.

Well... Of course. That makes total sense because two worthless assholes are better than one, right? You're a genius. That's not doing something for yourself, that's yourself making a huge mistake. The best case scenario is that you get stuck with someone else's loser husband (with his own track record of dirty dealings and trying to score some poon on the internets). So, if you are one of the 30,000+ women who may consider signing up for this site, may I make a suggestion? Consider it an alternative to Item 4.

Let's call it: Item 4a. Wait until your husband leaves for work. Send him a text message saying: "You're a DICK. And I HATE YOU." Then hire a babysitter or call in sick to work. Go buy yourself something shiny, rent a movie with a high quotient of male hotness, buy like ten trashy magazines, a bottle of champagne and small chocolate cake. Then have a pity party.

You'll be drunk, relaxed and happy by the time your husband gets home and you can then totally square up on him without remorse. While he's holding his junk and whimpering, keep telling him: "I could be cheating on you right now with some internet furckwad but I'm not because I'm awesome." Wait a few minutes, hand him something to ice down his onions and then let him know he can expect a repeat (in increasingly pointy shoes) every February 15th and Monday-after-Mother's-Day until he gets it right. Then go sleep it off.

I'm not saying that this is the answer. And sure, in some states it's considered "assault". But it's a whole lot better than the alternative, trust me.

And now you're welcome, 30,000+ women.

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