I was having a bit of a quarter-life crisis recently, and just needed to take a step back and travel across the US. The plan was to meet as many interesting people as I could along the way, to interview them, and hopefully figure out my own life by learning about theirs.
Along my travels I was hosted by a lovely couple from Richmond, Virginia, that made me feel right at home. They welcomed me to join them in a weekly table-top game night with a group of their friends.
And it was there, up to my elbows in magic cards, I met Leslie Et Alia: mother of one, wife of two. I was instantly drawn to her outgoing and welcoming personality. But when she casually referred to her "husbands," plural, my ears perked up, and I simply had to interview her. Not only for my personal quest, but because I just had so many questions. It's not every day you get to meet a polygamist.
So we arranged to meet up the next day for a more personal interview, at her suburban home. And when I arrived, it was all very... normal. No compound with multiple houses joined by one backyard, no groups of kids in homemade clothes tending to the yard. Just one, tri-level home, and one happy family that happens to have three parents instead of two.
Sitting down to talk with Leslie, I quickly realized I knew absolutely nothing about polygamy outside of the HBO show Big Love, or a few rumors here and there. And that's where Leslie set me straight. "Polygamy" literally means "many marriages," but since the term has been around for so long, it generally is only associated with a religious relationship structure. Where as, today, those who identify as "polygamists," usually prefer the term "polyamory," or "polyamorist," which means "many loves," and thus is a much more open and inclusive term.
Another common misconception is that polygamy is illegal. But Leslie very easily explained that away too by citing (in not so many words) that love is not illegal. The term for legally trying to obtain more than one marriage license is "bigamy," (hence the titular show Big Love) and that is illegal. But since only one of Leslie's marriages is "legal," and the other purely "spiritual", there is no breach of the law. The only hard part is (to quote a term poly's use) "coming out of the walk-in closet" to your friends and family.
Leslie also happens to be pansexual, meaning that gender has absolutely nothing to do with the people she can fall in love with. And that plays a huge part in her polyamory too, because the polyamorous community she's found in Richmond is very small (so gender not being an issue is a plus). This also results in a very tightly packed web of relationships. For example: two of Leslie' exes (one of which dated her current husband) went on to later date each other. All with relatively no bitterness or heartbreak involved. And this is due, in part, to another new word Leslie taught me: compersion.
Leslie explained that compersion is the opposite of jealousy. And can be as simple as when you feel happy that your partner is happy. That doesn't sound too out of the ordinary, sure. I think every healthy relationship has this feeling at its core. But what sets compersion apart is that it also applies to dating, sex, and romance with other people.
Now, that sounds like something I'm just not capable of. But, regardless it was absolutely fascinating to hear Lelsie's story. To hear about real experiences from a real person. That is exactly the reason I left home. To meet all kinds of people, and have them challenge my own notions about the world.
If there's one thing I learned from all of this, it's that you shouldn't ever be afraid to listen to someone. Actually listen to them. If your own personal beliefs are so shaky that you feel threatened or defensive when someone else has a different lifestyle or opinion from you, then you might want to reconsider your stance on that particular belief.
My philosophy has always been to listen. And in doing so, it either strengthens your beliefs, or broadens your previous knowledge. For instance, I discovered I definitely lack this ability to feel compersion but now at least I know about it. The seed is planted, and if one day I do start to question monogamy, now I know the option is there to try something else.
The full interview with Leslie (where we talk a little bit more about Leslie's past, hopes, and fears) can be found on my YouTube channel as well as all the other interviews and vlogs I made along my journey.