Introverts and extroverts, different as they might be, often end up as romantic partners. Perhaps itβs a case of opposites attracting; the two personality types balance each other out.
The fundamental difference between innies and outies, as theyβre sometimes called, is that introverts require alone time to recharge their batteries, while extroverts gain energy by being around other people. So you can see why they occasionally have trouble understanding each otherβs needs.
βIβm an introvert while my wife is an extrovert,β relationship writer Seth Adam Smith told HuffPost. βBecause of this, the first few years of our marriage were really challenging. I wanted to live in the quiet countryside and spend one-on-one time with her. She, on the other hand, wanted to live in a crowded city and visit with lots and lots of people. In the beginning, our opposing personalities had a negative impact on our relationship.β
Over time, Smith and his wife learned more about what makes the other tick and were able to embrace their differences.
βBut after a while β and, to be honest, after a few βheated discussionsβ β we learned that our opposing personalities were actually rooted in the ways we gather strength,β he said. βI gather strength from solitude: reading, hiking by myself or going for long drives. Things like that give me energy, while being around people drains me of energy. As a result, it was difficult for me to understand how my wife gets her strength from being with people. And yet, somehow, she does!β
Below, introverts reveal what they wish their extroverted partners better understood about their βinnieβ ways.
Note: The last names of some respondents have been withheld to protect their privacy.
1. Small talk is not our cup of tea.
βMy wife talks to everyone she meets and always starts conversations with people while weβre out. I just want an invisibility cloak so I donβt have to stand there and laugh awkwardly while screaming inside.β β Kellie J.
2. But weβre grateful we can lean on you in social situations.
βIβm an introvert in a relationship with a super social extrovert, and after explaining a few things on how we function, heβs incredibly supportive. I feel really safe going out with him. Heβs always there to lead conversations when I retreat into my shell and he always makes sure to include me without throwing me into uncomfortable situations. Itβs a great combination!β β Dimitra N.
3. We can turn on our extroverted side when we need to. Itβs just really draining for us.
βMy extroverted wife always wondered how someone as introverted as I am can be successful at a career that requires a great deal of persuasive human interaction. She would likely believe in my career goals a little more if she understood that introverts often have a secondary personality of sorts that is used to succeed in those situations. Those secondary personalities can effectively communicate with others, but they lack depth.β β Cody M.
4. We have to mentally prepare before socializing. So try not to spring stuff on us last minute.
βI wish my husband would understand that when we make plans, Iβm only mentally prepared to socialize with the people we originally made the plans with. Adding random other people to the mix last-minute can be so mentally exhausting for me, especially if they are people I donβt know well. Although my husband does know this, as an extrovert, he can get excited in the moment and think, βThe more the merrierβ and invite people out at the last minute like, βYou are in the area? Come join us!ββ β Nichola Gwon of My Korean Husband
5. Once weβve hit our limit, we may need to leave the party or event ASAP.
βIβm not someone that is huge on mingling after events. Sometimes my husband would take it as rude when I would go to the car immediately after the event, but I just donβt feel compelled to stay. I donβt like small talk and am already overwhelmed by the actual event, so by the end of it, I am ready to go. I just stay in the car and wait for him to finish. I donβt rush him at all, because I understand thatβs his thing and wish he would understand itβs not mine.β β Temitope Adesina of NaturallyTemi
6. For us, alone time is a necessity. We canβt function without it.
βI hope he understands that when I need alone time, Iβm not rejecting him, Iβm just recharging. Solitude is a fundamental need for introverts.β β Marzi Wilson of Introvert Doodles
7. Please, donβt force us to make new friends. Weβll do it our way in our own time.
βMy extroverted wife wants couple friends and it would be so much easier to make couple friends if she understood how introverts make friends. Extroverts sometimes try to force the friendship under the belief that an introvert just needs a little help in the friend-making department. That aggressive action usually ruins any possibility of a friendship because itβs way too invasive. If a friendship is going to happen, it will only happen naturally and over time.β β Cody M.
8. Weβre not βlazyβ or βboringβ just because we need a night in.
βWhen introverts feel drained, the last thing we want is to be chastised for being lazy or boring. What we truly wish for is a partner with whom we can recharge in tandem. We relish reading or daydreaming in side-by-side silence with the one we love.ββ Michaela Chung of Introvert Spring
9. And if we donβt feel like going out, feel free to go without us. Weβll be just fine at home.
βOver the past 18 years, my husband and I have come to an understanding that works for us when it comes to our social calendar. He goes out a lot more often than I do. And itβs important that my alone time be just as sacred on the schedule as his boysβ night out. I am by no means anti-social: I have amazing friends and family that I absolutely adore. But I need quiet time every week to decompress, mentally process all that Iβve taken in and replenish my energy.β β Kaia Roman, author of The Joy Plan
10. Just because weβre being quiet doesnβt mean weβre mad.
βIf Iβm quiet and or straight-faced, Iβm probably not mad: Iβm just people-watching. People fascinate me β their quirks, mannerisms, inflections in their voice and Iβm just observing.β β Heather T.
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