Invisible Square: Part Two

As I began my journey this week, I didn't know where to start from. It is not just my journey to redefine success in my life, it is an inward journey to eradicate myths that society has so embedded in me. Like I said earlier, I was taught that success was not the journey but the destination. However, today I have started my inner journey and I am trying to train my brain to think the opposite -- success is the journey not just the destination, success is being at peace with yourself and accepting your greatness and your weaknesses.

I needed to change my mindset and my psyche in order to do this.

I decided to look towards the gurus in this field. I read Arianna Huffington's latest book Thrive and Jack Canfield's The Success Principles, and they were both amazing books. I was so inspired to change myself and my outlook. So the first thing I did was to buy a beautiful journal, it was turquoise with gold lining. Somehow, I thought having a beautiful journal to write in would make it easier to write about, and boy, was I in for a surprise!

According to my gurus, I had to first look deep inside and create a gratitude journal. That was supposed to be easy, so I sat with my pen and pencil and began to write: I am thankful for my children, my health and friends and family that love me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't think of anything else. I had to find five different things each day. By day two, I was stuck.

I then went back to my books and realized, I hadn't done the "work" that was required. So being a writer I began to go back to the past, the times I felt sad and lonely, the things that gave me joy, the heartaches, the dreams and aspirations I had. The first time I tried to write it, I broke down crying. I don't know why, I didn't want to face my demons, I couldn't go back and look in the face of the ugliness of my past. I was paralyzed and couldn't function for a whole day.

I decided it was easier to just stop. Just as Arianna Huffington uses the quote from the Sufi poet Rumi, "The world is rigged in our favor," I met Jack Cansfield. I was trying to make every excuse that I could and I said "Jack, you talk about all these lovely thing we need to do like visualization, gratitude, healing etc. but I don't have the time, I'm a single mom and work a lot of hours," and Mr. Cansfield said to me: "Do you wake up in the morning? " I was a bit surprised by his answer and nodded. He then went on to say "Wake up five minutes earlier and just do it, it will make a difference."

I had no more excuses left, so I decided to take small steps. First, I thought about everything that I wanted in my life. I created a whole scenario of how I wanted my life to be. I then wrote it all down. After writing it down, I closed my eyes and imagined myself in that scenario. I then opened my eyes and wrote about the "successes" that I had in the past, when I made someone feel better or good about themselves, again after writing I closed my eyes and remembered those times.

I created a chart (in my beautiful journal of course) that had the days numbered by dates -- day one all the way to day 30. I decided to visualize and remember my past successes twice a day. Every day that I woke up, I blessed the day and made an intention that I would have the best day ever. This has been my routine for the past week.

The truth is, it hasn't been easy. I have seen how my heart rises and sets with the sun. I wake up in the morning do my visualization and my intention for the day and I feel great and excited my heart feels like it is shining bright and it is time for me to embrace the world. However, when the night falls and I get time to be with myself, my heart begins to sink. Memories come back to me like a tsunami that I just can't run away from, and I face them and try to pitch them against my successes. It is a war like no other, one that lives inside of me.

So my journey continues. I didn't know that the road to thriving would feel like this...