iPhone Woes: Can You Jeer Me Now?

"(T)here is a problem with its reception." -Consumer Reports magazine, finding design flaws with the antenna of Apple's new iPhone 4, questioning Apple's previous explanations for the malfunction.
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"(T)here is a problem with its reception."
Consumer Reports magazine, finding design flaws with the antenna of Apple's new iPhone 4, questioning Apple's previous explanations for the malfunction, and declining to recommend buying the phone.

Dear Apple Motors:
My wife and I have been proud owners of Apple cars for years now, and we were really excited about your brand-new iDrive Sports Coupe. We've never seen a car with so many awesome features, and we especially love driving it around the neighborhood, past all those dull and boring cars in everyone else's driveways.
In the past few weeks, though, we've noticed a small problem: Whenever we grip the lower-left portion of the steering wheel, the iDrive's speed immediately drops by 20 to 30 miles per hour. As you can imagine, this can be troublesome, particularly when we're in heavy traffic -- in the past week alone, we've just barely avoided a half-dozen fender-benders. Since we know Apple cars are perfectly designed, we figure we must be doing something wrong. Can you set us straight?
Nervous in Nashville

Dear Nervous:
Thanks for your message. You're absolutely right: Apple cars are perfectly designed, so you must be doing something wrong. Most people don't have any reason to grip the lower-left portion of the steering wheel, and those who hold the wheel somewhere else have reported no problems with fluctuating iDrive speeds. Consider a different grip, or try wrapping that part of the wheel in duct tape.
It's also possible that you're not losing speed at all, but that your speedometer is simply registering incorrect readings from time to time -- it's a bit of a bother, but certainly nothing for a loyal Apple Motors customer to worry about.

Dear Apple Stylings:
It's always sweet to put on another totally cool and meticulously crafted Apple garment. Whenever I do, I never fail to attract envious glances from all my friends, which is why I'm sorry to have to write you this note.
The last Apple hoodie I purchased (the iBling) had all the typical great Apple touches -- and then some. But there were also a few things that confused me. For instance, the left sleeve is at least six inches longer than the right sleeve. Also, the zipper pull is missing -- and so is one whole side of the zipper itself.
I wonder if you've heard any complaints from other people, or whether it's all in my head. P.S. I still love all my Apple stuff!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Dear Perplexed:
It's all in your head. The "few things" you describe help make every Apple garment a unique wearing experience. Try bending your left arm to take up some of the slack in the sleeves. A couple of strategically placed safety pins should get the zipper app up and running in no time.

Dear Apple Flatware:
We love setting our dinner table with Apple plates and saucers, not to mention Apple napkins and napkin holders. Our only question concerns your equally super-looking iGrub silverware, and particularly the salad forks, which keep poking us in the upper lip every time we try to put something into our mouths. It looks like the prong on the far right-hand side of the fork (looking from the handle end) is bent way up, compared to the other prongs -- this can sometimes be quite painful.
Will Apple be offering any fixes?
Bleeding in Boise

Dear Bleeding:
No fixes are necessary. Spear your food using only the left-side prongs, and bring the food only to the right-hand side of your mouth. (Assuming you're right-handed -- it's the opposite for lefties, of course.)
Or switch to soup.

Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at rickhoro@execpc.com.

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