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Is There Anything Else?

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You have had those days... you know the ones I am talking about... the ones where you have too much to do and not enough time and the kids are driving you up a wall?

It always starts with that quick run into Target for what you are sure is just those two things that you need and a half hour later with your cart (that you snagged in aisle six because someone had left it-thank God!) you didn't need full to the top, you have managed to make it to the checkout with your sanity barely in tact and the kids trying to con you into every candy and toy they can find by the checkout.

You finally get all your items on the belt, pull out your red card before they can ask if you want to save 5% and try to get through the whole process as quick as you can before you lose your damn mind because you knew you should of done this while the kids were at school.

Then it happens, the inevitable question from the cashier "is that it?", and you can't help but think "are you serious....?"

No... that is not it... really what I want something that keep my two kids quiet, kind, patient, and exhibiting model behavior while I shop. And I am not talking the kind of behavior that just gets me through this errand but the kind that makes people point and say "why can't you be more like those kids".

I also want something that prevents the lady in front of me from wasting my time while she slowly writes out her check instead of using the credit card machine that she is using as her check writing stand. How is it that in 2015 we still allow people to use checkbooks in public? Honestly, we should start charging a percentage for the other peoples time they are wasting... and then you know what happens after they check gets handed to the cashier- they proceed to balance their register while my kids paw at kind of gum under the sun and all I want to do is usher them past the candy but you "check book lady" are in my way.

I would also love a system where coupons are just applied without being looked up or cut out because we cannot all be those perfect mothers who spend Sundays coupon clipping. I am lucky if I can get my kids to church and pray we get through another week much less find that 50 cents off toilet paper ad for this week (don't even get me started on trying to remember to use it before it expires).

I also don't want the cashiers to make small talk, better yet how about some self-checkouts where I don't have to act like I am a people person when I really just want to get in and out with as little yelling at my kids as possible. I barely have the patience for the six questions on your credit card machine much less the "what are you doing this weekend" ones that my new bestie ringing me up is tossing my way and the people-pleaser in me is cursing that I have to answer (politely).

Lastly I would like you to put more than one thing in each bag. I am not sure why even though I told you to "pack them full" you insist on my tampons going alone in a bag while my Kit-Kat is in another because obviously the two go together and aren't we trying to save the planet after all? Are 16 bags for 12 items totally necessary?

But instead the people pleaser in me (that I try so hard to hide) rears its head and I try my best to not make eye contact (so as to avoid you seeing my passive aggressive eye roll) and say "nope that's it" and I wait patiently yet again for the 103 coupons that you think I will remember to bring next time get printed out of that damn machine along with how much I have saved on my red card thanks to those "two things" I came in for.