THE BLOG

Is This Bad Habit Keeping You Single?

Do you feel like you've tried it all to find love? Are you frustrated because the people you're attracted to never want a relationship, and the ones who do want a relationship you're not attracted to?
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Do you feel like you've tried it all to find love?

Are you frustrated because the people you're attracted to never want a relationship, and the ones who do want a relationship you're not attracted to?

If you feel like no matter how much you want it, your efforts to make a lasting connection are in vain, keep reading! The problem might not be what you think it is -- it's not that there's no one out there for you.

The problem might be one bad habit -- specifically, your habit of judging chemistry in an instant.

Let me go on record as saying I am a romantic. I believe in destiny. I believe that sometimes, a spark of instant attraction can lead to a beautiful, lasting relationship.

However, I am also a dating coach, not to mention a realistic adult human who has experienced such a spark myself on more than one occasion. More often than not, that initial spark didn't lead to the place I was hoping it would -- at least not in the long-term!

Almost every day I hear a client or other single person tell me "There was just no chemistry!" as a justification to pass on a first or second date. Or to even communicate with someone online they've never laid eyes on in real life!

Instant physical chemistry is a highly unreliable indicator of long-term relationship compatibility. And yet, many smart and relationship-seeking adults - maybe even you - rely on that instant spark as a prerequisite to even consider "maybe this person is a good potential partner."

This is despite the fact that this spark has failed you, time and time again.

It goes without saying how important chemistry, or physical attraction, is in a romantic relationship. There would be no point in entering into a relationship without being attracted to the other person!

But if you're saying no to simply giving someone a chance due to a lack of chemistry, you're doing chemistry all wrong.

If you are letting chemistry be the sole determining factor in your choice to date someone, you're doing chemistry all wrong.

Chemistry doesn't just "happen" - you help create it. (Or not.)

Of course not everyone is a good potential match for you, and you can't create chemistry -- nor would you want to -- with every single person you meet. I am talking about the people who seemingly share your values and your relationship goals. Isn't it worth giving it a good effort with those people?

Imagine going on a date with someone who takes one look at you and decides "nope, not going to happen." That person politely sits with closed off body language and makes shallow small talk with you over a quick drink, careful to convey they're definitely not that into you.

Chances are, by the end of the date the feeling will be mutual. (Unless you're a person who is only attracted to those who don't want you -- which is a whole other discussion!)

Now imagine that same person takes one look at you and decides "let's see if I can spark something here." They give you their full attention, asking you sincere questions about what interests you, what your passions are. And you can see them actually listening to your answers, leaning in towards you. In addition to learning something new about you, they also share something of themselves.

After a short date, you realize this person is actually making an attempt to see you for who you are, and cares about the person they see. This is what a charisma looks like, and why charismatic people are so intoxicating to be around.

Where is chemistry more likely to spark? With the closed-off person or the charismatic person?

You've been lied to about chemistry. It is not this mysterious force outside of yourself that you have no control over. You can decide to be more charismatic. It can be an intentional, deliberate effort.

You have experienced chemistry that grows over time. You have had some friend, classmate or co-worker who you came to be fully attracted to after a period of getting to know them when you didn't initially feel chemistry. Over time, you became more interested in who they were as a person, they became more interested in you, and then one day - chemistry!

You've also had the experience of meeting someone new, not thinking much of them, but soon noticing they're giving you their full attention. Their charisma causes your entire feeling toward them to shift as soon as you realize that they find you so magnetic. Their attention towards you causes you to give them more attention, which causes them to give you more attention, and on and on...

Pick up artists might be shady, but they know the power of attention and creating that shift in another person.

I'm not encouraging you to use this power to manipulate or mislead anyone - the world does not need any more pick up artists! I'm encouraging you to use it for mutual benefit - to give yourself the permission to connect with good people who might share your values and your relationship goals.

Chemistry that grows over time is just as powerful as that instant, mysterious spark. And it has a lot more staying power.

Francesca is a love and lifestyle coach for singles. You can catch her as a regular expert guest on NBC's The Today Show, and on The Hoda Show on SiriusXM's Today Show Radio channel. Get more dating advice, and even book a free session at www.francescahogi.com!