How often do we allow ourselves the freedom and openness of being curious?
As children we walk through the world with a general air of inquisitiveness. We are interested in what we don't know, excited about learning. We feel rewarded by our discovery of things, thoughts, places and people with whom we may not have previously felt in touch. We revel in the surprise and splendor of new awareness. Life is interesting, informative, inspirational. That curious nature is what allows us, if not pushes us, to take risks – to step out on a limb, to explore. It expands our mind and presents us with more and greater possibilities. It drives us to take a chance, to trust and to try. That is, until we grow up. Then it all goes to crap!
Come on, haven’t you noticed how our willingness to be curious starts to fade as we get on in age? Maybe it’s because we’re taught that curiosity killed the cat, we’re yelled at when we ask “why” too much, or because we become more focused on using what we know than learning what we don’t. Best guess: we’re too busy being scared to let ourselves be curious. After all, many of us take risks early on, only to have them turn out very differently from what we hoped. We feel the sting of that disappointment. We label it as failure. We experience it as pain and we begin trying to avoid it. In fact, we strategize lives set up specifically to avoid it. As we grow afraid of the pain that we believe can result from taking a risk, we lessen if not extinguish, our willingness to be curious. We’re moved, not by our interest in learning, but by our fear of the threats that inquisitiveness can usher in. We grow frightened. We develop a greater need to feel safe, stable, secure; a need that murders one of our greatest gifts: Curiosity.
In the arrogance of our adulthood, we call it “experience,” “practicality,” “maturity,” and certainly, I can agree that sometimes it is. Yet, many, many times, it is not. So for just the few minutes that we have together as you read through this article, I’d like for us to cut the crap and call it what it truly is… fear!
Let’s take a second to look at how we move through the world, and let’s ask ourselves if our fear is killing our curiosity. Here are the questions that I ask myself on a regular basis to reign in my fright and give my curiosity back its might! It is my hope that they will serve you as they serve me.
1. Am I being “judgy” of others?
By “judgy,” I mean: do I think that I know who they are and what they’ll do and am I using that against them in the way I put forth my point of view. After all, I can certainly be “judgy” as I’m sure can many of you (it’s something that we’re taught to do). So, it’s important to remember that our judgments about others usually develop out of a need to feel like we know people. Feeling like we know someone allows us to think that we can predict their behavior and being able to predict their behavior, in turn allows us to prepare for it. That gives us a greater sense of control over the situation which makes us feel safer. But it’s usually a delusion we’ve established for the purpose of comfort and safety; not the universal truth.
2. Am I imposing my need for validation onto others?
We all like to feel valuable. That’s why it is important to carry our greatest sources of validation within us. Yet, even when we do, it is impossible not to have some small part of it be affected by our social interactions. We are, after all, social beings. The trick here, however, is to manage that small piece well so that it doesn’t take over. Sometimes, in our need to prove our value we become obsessed with showing what we know rather than seeking guidance on what we don't. We begin to see our worth as tied up in what we can contribute rather than moving from the humble understanding that we have as much to learn as we have to offer.
3. Am I settling by playing it safe?
As adults, we tend to plot a course for ourselves that feels doable and prescriptive. Again, it’s safer. We’re deterred by, and often deter others from, setting a course that's less certain. Uncertainty becomes synonymous with insanity. Because we cannot tolerate the anxiety of not knowing how things will turn out, we look for what we think will yield the greatest stability. We look at curiosity and creativity as unreliable and instead praise the status quo, the “responsible” choice, the “logical” way to go. But in doing so, we lose touch with our spirit and lock out the pieces of our minds that bring the greatest joy. After all, our imagination is one of most beautiful aspects of our intellect.
4. Am I really listening with a curious ear?
We hear people talking at us, and spend that time planning for what we’ll say in response, preparing the argument, seeing them as foolish for not having the insights that we possess. We start guessing at the “true” intent of their words and assessing the threat they present. What if, instead, we listened simply to learn more about them, to learn more about ourselves, to get a better understanding of who and what other people are and what they need, without jumping to conclusions about what they are not saying or what we will need to do next? Can we just find the value in what they are offering? That’s a big step in regaining the strength to be curious.
5. Am I willing to trust?
The truth is that no one knows all of who they are, no one understands the entirety of another human being, and no one can predict how tomorrow will turn out. The only thing that keeps us connected to ourselves, to one another, and to our faith, is curiosity: the ever-growing need and desire to learn more, to know more, and to be clear about how much more there still is to try, and to discover. But we can only surrender to curiosity if we believe that we will be safe in doing so. So, where is this faith that we profess and this trust that we know is important? Let’s use it to comfort us as we walk back out onto the limbs that scare us so desperately.
6. Am I actively searching for more?
It’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of life. Ask yourself: do I wake up with a need to learn and a hunger for exploration? Do I “internet search” questions that pop into my head? Do I stay informed about the goings-on of my world? Do I find ways to explore new adventures on a regular basis and seek out folks who know more than me about any number of things? It’s imperative that we actively engage in our mind’s expansion and part of that is making a commitment to being a life-long learner.
A lack of curiosity can manifest in such varied and numerous ways. The source, however, is often the same... fear! Take an opportunity to nurture your curiosity in simple ways, throughout your day, knowing that not knowing is the only certainty and learning is its own reward.
For more information on this and other self-improvement topics, visit Dr. Nieves (aka Dr.Dee) at http://www.DinorahNieves.com.