Is Your Marriage Safe From Miley Cyrus?

In an age where it seems like no one wants to ask the tough questions, I was heartened to find this:

The answer is, "Yes, of course," but the more important question is, why aren't we holding all of our leaders (both governmental and aspirational) up to this level of accountability? "Should Obama blame himself for Miley Cyrus' parents divorce?" If I were an Alaskan special-ed mom with a penchant for teasing my hair into a force-to-be-reckoned with boof, I would say, "You betcha."

But while we're asking Miley the tough questions (by way of asking America to weigh in on her personal life via online polling), there are a few more questions we could and should throw in there. Divorce is an enormous problem, not only in America, but also in less important, yet still very much real places. If we've found the cause of one divorce here, it is imperative that we take the scientific process to its logical conclusion and ask, is this the cause of other divorces? Could Miley Cyrus, in effect, be patient zero for modern divorce?

Take for example the story of the Qatar man who accidentally divorced his wife via Skype, by jokingly saying the words "Talaq, talaq, talaq." Now, one might ask how anyone could accidentally get divorced. The long answer is that an antiquated, patriarchal system founded in stringent religious policies that leaders of that religion dare not question caught the man and his wife up in a legal loophole that, instead of closing, leaders used as a way to make a statement about the younger generation's perceived secularization.

But the short answer is Miley Cyrus. The hit track, "I Divorce Thee, I Divorce Thee, I Divorce Thee," from the Hannah Montana, Season 3 soundtrack, originally meant as a post-teen-feminist anthem about quitting the cheerleading squad, has been cited as the cause of many accidental divorces in the Muslim world. Until now, Miley's parents have kept that story out of the papers, but with their focus shifted to their current marital dispute, word is finally getting out.  And not a moment too soon.

But it's not just Muslim marriage that's being threatened by Miley Cyrus, Italian marriage is on the chopping block, too. And because everyone in Italy is coated in a thin layer of olive oil, it's happening much quicker. Last week, an Italian couple's marriage was annulled (which is like super divorce plus brain damage) after the wife admitted to thinking about sex with other men. Though not a divorce, Miley's fingerprints can be seen all over this marital tragedy as well, given her 2009 hit, "When I Get Married I'll Think About Sex With Other Men (And There's Nothing You Can Do About It, Daddy)."

In short, America has been asleep at the wheel of the world when it comes to Miley Cyrus. Everyone was so concerned about the affect that her Annie Leibovitz photos would have on her youthful fan base, but how many 12-year-old Annie Leibovitz fans have you met? You know who likes meticulously lit and staged yet somehow still human photo spreads? Married people. And those are the ones suffering in the wake of Miley Cyrus' coming-of-age reign of terror.

Conclusion: forget the gays. The single greatest threat to straight marriage is Miley Cyrus. And if the Tea Party won't do anything about it, then we, the unmarried and therefore safe for now, will have to look into some of those other options. It reminds me of this Hannah Montana song I once heard, "Second Amendment Remedies for the Second Period Blues."