In another soul stretching heart to heart with one of my favourite people late the other night we dove into a talk about self- love. As you may know I am a passionate advocate for loving ourselves beyond the hashtag, spa days and manicures and truly healing with love, but he put this into question wondering if I actually fully accept myself, flaws and all. This was a great question and I can say for certain that I do truly love myself and I will explain why. I believe that loving ourselves comes from a true knowing of who we are and embracing it, all of it, even the icky shit. I know who I was and what I did when I was not fully loving and accepting myself. I would avoid and detach from myself by means of alcohol, food and dating all the wrong guys. If they didn’t love me then I was just proving my belief that I was unlovable right and therefore I wouldn’t have to face the reality of where this belief came from. Being able to recognize this behavior and see it for what it was and not just chalk it up to mistakes or a phase but actually knowing what it was that caused me to indulge in such a way was a big part of my healing process. Being able to say this was something I did and no longer do is also a testament to where I am on my healing journey and that I now actually love, value and respect myself enough to avoid such behaviours. But healing is not linear nor is it black and white and although we can relinquish some behaviours it does not mean that self love has prevailed. In order to know if you truly love your self, as per my friend- which I am in agreement with, we need to accept ourselves. Accepting ourselves is higher than self love because it says “I see your flaws, imperfections and mistakes and I still accept you anyways.” As human beings with so many dimensions to us it is impossible to only ever be one thing and always
My answer when I was presented with the question of whether or not I truly loved myself was that, I love myself the way I love others – unconditionally. I see my mistakes, my doubts, my fears, my self-imposed imperfections, my past and my present and I love and accept all of it. Not being in alignment with this would mean self-sabotaging behavior for me, it would mean not pursuing my dreams and desires, it would mean hiding myself, my message and my passion. It would mean saying yes when I want to say No, it would mean spending time with the same energy vampires that used to be my favourite distractions, it would mean dating for the sake of it when I get bored or lonely instead of honouring what it is I truly desire in a partner and holding out for that, it would mean alcohol, junk food and meaningless sex. I know what not loving myself looks like and I assure you that as love is a verb and requires action I take the daily actions to show myself love in the form of meditation, writing, yoga, exercise, clean drinking water, healthy meals, heartfelt conversations with true friends who value me and my time, laughing and being authentic and true to myself and the world around me, spending time alone, enJOYing life, because I deserve to. Because that is what I want and I love myself enough to honour that. The term self love gets thrown around a lot lately and it can become confusing and consuming when we try to navigate the deep waters that lead us to this place of loving thyself. What is important to remember is that this is a journey. You will stumble and slip sometimes, you will doubt yourself, neglect yourself, get mad at yourself and at times wish for the ease of the comfort that numbing your knowing once brought you. But taking a step off your path once in awhile is only there to remind you of how far you have actually come, how beautiful your own path truly is and how easy it is to love yourself unconditionally when you realize what a bad-ass you are for all you have overcome and all you are capable of. Before you extend unconditional love, compassion and forgiveness out to others ask yourself if you are offering the same to you first? You cannot give from an empty cup, doing so will only deplete you and leave you resentful and in a state of feeling gross, not good.
“You deserve the love you so freely give to everyone else.”