First the good news, Sarah Palin's reprehensible, hypocritical new TV show dropped 40% in its ratings the second week. Clearly you all took my admonition not to watch it seriously. Her novelty wore off fast. And to ice the cake, her clomping spawn lost Dancing With the Republicans, and to a real dancer who is third-generation show business. (I once worked with Jennifer Grey's grandfather on radio. No joke.)
The promo described this as an "All-New Survivor." I must look up their meaning for "all-new," as it was new clips of old events. No game advancement tonight. Yawn. Like the deleted scenes on DVDs, you get to understand why the scenes were deleted in the first place. It's a night of filler, because they know that half their audience is at airports, being scanned and groped. Oh, they're not going anywhere; they just like being scanned and groped. (Who doesn't?) "Could you scan me from the left? It's my most-flattering angle." One friend of mine told me he's at the gym now everyday, because he's flying off on a trip at Christmas, and wants to be in shape for the scanner.
Jeff: "The older tribe had wisdom and experience." Well, they had experience.
Twice-Shoeless Dan (back when he was merely Once-Shoeless Dan) to Crazy Holly: "It's a good thing you're not a guy." Speaking on behalf of straight women and gay men everywhere, amen.
(During the first commercial break, there was an ad for an upcoming show called Live to Dance, which ended with a shot of Paula Abdul saying: "I'm back." If they want people to watch, why did they end the ad with a threat?)
Superbowl Guy, back at the start: "I hope we come together enough to where we can surprise them." If you get the wishbone today, Supes, try wishing for something possible.
Big, well-built, black Tyrone to Marty: "We gotta figure out where we're going to do it." You two can do it at my place, if I can watch.
Here's one thing I hate about clip shows, being resubjected to folks I was glad to be rid of. Here's Jimmy T running his mouth again, shirtless (and braless) yet. [gag] It was so nice without him.
Jimmy T: "May I say one thing?" By that he really means: "Can I shout stuff at you for half an hour until you all want to stone me to death?"
Jimmy T: "I feel like I'm being ignored by you guys." Well as best they can, yes.
Marty referred to Dan-With-Shoes as "Joe Pesci." What a terribly insulting thing to say about Joe Pesci.
Now there's Over-Shoed Dan shirtless. I made a terrible mistake by eating before I turned on this show.
There was a shot of Sash in tight underwear running into the surf where they blurred out his crotch. I can't really believe there's enough of a bulge there to justifying bothering to blur it. They only had to fuzz out three pixels. Maybe they were hiding from our eyes that his crotch camel-toes instead of bulging.
NaOnka, aka Satan's Bride, complained about getting stuck on the younger tribe, whom she saw were all idiots. But Beelzebimbo (A great new name for her! I'm sticking with it!), if you weren't on a tribe of idiots, you'd never have survived past your first Tribal Council. Count your blessings.
Jimmy T describing his treatment by the tribe: "Maybe they just weren't eloquently in the way they spoke to me." Nothing like criticizing someone else's eloquence while using an adverb where you need a noun. That's so eloquently.
Marty said: "This game changes all the time. It's never what you think it's going to be," (Words he himself was soon to forget), and as though on cue, the floor of the shelter they were lying on collapsed. The "waa-waa-waa" muted trombone funny music was perhaps a little too on-the-nose though.
Little Dougie complained that had we had to listen to Superbowl Guy and Tyrone discuss who was spooning with Jimmy T and Overpriced-Shoes Dan for five more seconds, it would have turned him straight.
Fabio's masterplan: "I'm just trying to stay cool, stay confident, but not be stupid." The best-laid plans of mice and morons gang aft aglay. We had a whole montage of slapstick footage of Fabio injuring himself over and over, while Beelzebimbo laughed at his pain. That's okay. I laugh at her pain.
Most-Useless Question Ever Asked: Crazy Holly to Jimmy T: "Has anyone made an alliance with you?" Who would ally themself with him? First off, it would mean voluntarily starting a conversation with him, and after the first day, only Crazy Holly was nuts enough to do that.
Crazy Holly was in a truly-paranoid fantasyland. She was convinced that the next day the "City Kids" would be put on one tribe, and the "Country Kids" were going to go to the other, and that this was why "nobody is making alliances."
1. It's not: Survivor: City Slickers vs Country Bumpkins (though I think I'd like to see that).
2. How would anyone know that in advance?
3. There were plenty of alliances being made, it's just that no one was stupid enough to want to ally themselves with her or him.
Jimmy T told her she was "Over-thinking." James, one must first think before one can over-think. She's under-thinking, or not-thinking. They ended on a shot of a howler monkey watching them from a tree, and thinking, "I may not have all their chromosomes and evolved brains, but I'm not that stupid!"
We had a sequence of some random, passing woman whining and getting all weepy over the bad weather. Grow up, Strange Woman From Nowhere. Oh wait. It's Kelly Still-Here, back when she was Kelly Two-Legs. On behalf of Survivor viewers everywhere, I'd like to thank Palin's Pimp and the other producers for giving her almost no air time all season, since she's really stupid and annoying.
Beelzebimbo said the rain was hideous. Then why did she have her Satanic Master send it? She said it could "rebuild your true character." Oops. Then Beelzebimbo is in deep trouble, because her True Lack-of-Character is not something she would want anyone to see. Besides, something must be built before it can be rebuilt. Which would I prefer: to spend a couple days in cold rain, or to spend ten minutes stuck in the company of Beelzebimbo? Let the rain come!
Beelzebimbo said the game is "90% mental." Then she has an advantage, because she's 100% mental.
Benry: "Kelly Purple is a huge waste of space." Okay, we have a winner for the title of "Most Intelligent Comment Any Player Has Made all Season."
They ran a shot of Superbowl Guy bring voted out, but not of Palin's Pimp and the network execs weeping over the loss of their presumed ratings-magnet.
Marty: "You can't ever be overly-cocky, but I'm in control finally." Okay, we have a winner for the title of "Fastest Self-Contradiction in History." (By the way, to learn what "overly-cocky" really means, you should have seen Milton Berle without pants.)
We had a shot of Tyrone saying they should move the fire farther away from the shelter to avoid burning down the camp. Where was he last week, when Brenda was heaping every flammable object they had beside or over the fire? Oh yes, they voted him out. Now you know what happens when you vote out a Fire Captain; your camp burns down. Tyrone must have laughed himself sick watching last week's episode. "Vote me out, will you suckers?"
Marty on Tyrone's sensible fire-prevention advice: "He felt that we were in a danger zone, and that too much of the wood that I had nearby was going to catch fire, and blah, blah, blah, and come on, man." Yes, Tyrone was so wrong about all that. Imagine listening to someone who actually knows what they are talking about. How un-American, or at least, un-Teabagger.
But Marty certainly knew what he was talking about as he said: "I know what the guy's all about. He likes to hear himself speak. He needs to feel that people are listening to him as he asserts himself." That is a perfect and totally accurate description -- of Marty.
Tyrone was less accurate when he mentioned Marty's "Little Ego." Marty does not have a little ego. He has a humongous ego.
Tyrone said to Marty "I thought you were disrespectful," as Marty respectfully rolled his eyes.
Marty: "I don't respond well to that." Marty doesn't respond well to much of anything. "Don't tell me I'm wrong." But Marty, you were wrong, and, as Brenda and chums found out the hard way, Tyrone was very, very right.
Jill, whom I strongly suspect of being a "Confirmed Bachelorette," on her new crush, Madame DeFarge, aka Granny Clampett, aka, Mammy Yokum, aka, Jane: "She can do anything. She gets fish. She gets crabs." Okay, that last one was way too personal. Why don't you two just get a shelter somewhere?
We saw Madame DeFarge having one of her stealth meals, where she catches a fish, and cooks and eats it in secret. Well, she did catch it, and a woman with crabs while thousands of miles from a drugstore needs some relief.
We watched while Madame DeFarge stole fire. I guess she's never read the story of Prometheus. She's going to end up chained to a mountain, with eagles eating her liver for eternity, which I'd enjoy seeing.
Madame DeFarge: "How I play this game has nothin' at all to do with my real life. I'm out to win a million dollars." Every season, players use this excuse to justify the awful things they're doing on TV, as though a million dollar prize neutralizes morality. It's always a load of bull. What the game does is reveal whom they really are.
We had to endure footage of now Twice-Shoeless Dan trying to charm his way into the hearts of the younger players. I've seen things with more charm lying on their backs in puddles of blood. Whichever producer thought Dan was fun, charming, and interesting was deeply mistaken. That producer must throw really budget-wise dinner parties, since a room full of people as "charming" as Dan could ruin anyone's appetite.
We watched Sash pull the "Russell-First-Day" move of making to-the-end alliances with every one in sight, including with Jeff Probst, and with the camera crew.
Of course, what no one ever seems to realize is that when someone tells you they want you with them as The Final Two, what they're actually saying is: "If it's just you and I at the end, I'll win, because every one hates you." It's an insult.
We rewatched The Great Nicaraguan Food Robbery of 2010 again, when Beelzebimbo stole the tribe's food, with a respectful: "They're so stupid." Since they haven't voted her out yet, she has a point.
Twice-Shoeless Dan's response to The Great Nicaraguan Food Robbery of 2010 was to threaten the family of the culprit. Yes, he's a charmer. Have I suggested a hit on his family for subjecting us to him? This is a guy who thinks Goodfellas is a comedy.
We saw Crazy Holly giving advice to Beelzebimbo. It was basically what The Exorcist would have looked like if, instead of priests, the exorcism had been performed by The Mad Hatter.
Beelzebimbo was wearing her rope-like hair in two side clumps, making her look like Pippi Deathstalking, the beloved children's character that teaches kids how to steal, and how to properly assault the disabled: "No, no, Susie. Come at them from behind, so they don't see you coming. And remember, their own prosthetic limb will make a good weapon to club them with. Now, for an extra treat, we're all going to The Special Olympics, to beat the crap out of the competitors. You can all thank me later."
And then, the five-hanky moment, as Beelzebimbo declared her love to Crazy Holly. It was enough to turn Jill straight. Lesbians don't have it hard enough in our homophobic land without Beelzebimbo coming out? She'd be a one-demon Gay Shame Parade.
Crazy Holly: "She looks at me as a Mom figure." Look again. Beelzebimbo is a walking advertisement for post-birth abortion.
Survivor producers, could you start treating Dan the way you do Kelly Still-Here, that is, cutting him out entirely, please? Our latest gem from this useless relic: "I don't think it's strange to see a young woman go nuts. It happens to a woman; you expect it. I don't want to be chauvinist..." [Too late!] "...You know, it's that Brooklyn attitude." I can hear all of Brooklyn yelling: "Leave us out of this!" He blames his rampaging sexism on Brooklyn.
Fabio on Beelzebimbo: "I just hope she goes home soon." So do I. The difference is, you could do something to make that happen. I can't. So get off your butt and vote her out!
Brenda on Beelzebimbo: "She might not be the best person to go to the end with." Then you should have voted her out, instead of letting her vote you out, Miss Firebug of 2010. (Brenda's new Beauty Pageant title)
It was kind of funny to watch Beelzebimbo unable to remember where she'd hidden the stolen flour. Evil and stupid, a gangbusters combination.
Chase to Beelzebimbo:"We're not going to blindside you." What was really pathetic there was, he meant it. He's lucky he's so pretty to look at, because he's actually way dumber than Fabio. Didn't he think it at all odd that she insisted he sign their alliance agreement in blood, and pay her with his future-children's souls?
Fabio on Beelzebimbo: "We got to get her out now," this was a couple weeks back. She's yet to be voted out. "I like her. Well, don't want to say that." What would be worse, Fabs dear, would be if it were true. Get rid of her. Camp will be so much nicer without having to smell brimstone all the time.
We watched the Libertards sitting about the campfire, singing. Amateur campfire singing is one of the reasons I quit scouting; well that, and the right-wing indoctrination to which scouting is devoted. Chase: "Singing is all right with me; it's therapy." Have you thought of trying actual therapy? If I have to listen to much more of your caterwauling, I'll need therapy.
For the umpteenth time this season, Chase played the "Gettin' Over My dad Dying" sympathy card. Chase, that's getting very old. Your Dad's dead. I'm sorry. But you know what? So is mine, only I don't bring it up every other day for sympathy. Man up.
We had Sash and Brenda sitting around congratulating each other on being smarter than everyone else, and being in total control of the Libertards. This was right before Brenda got voted out and Sash found himself next on the hit list.
Sash: "Both [Brenda] and I have almost cast a special spell over pretty much everyone in the tribe, so Brenda and I have the power to send whoever we want home."
Dear Sash, it is with regret that I must inform you that your absolute inability to cast effectively any special spells has forced me, reluctantly and with sadness, to expel you from Hogwarts, effective immediately. It turns out that you are a muggle after all. Watch out for Death Eaters, like Beelzebimbo. Very sincerely yours, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Deceased. PS. It's "the power to send whomever we want home." You've flunked English grammar also. AD.
Madame DeFarge to Fabio: "You got a great brain up there." Up where? In a tree somewhere? In his attic back home? In a jar, stolen by a hunchbacked assistant?
Madame DeFarge: "I just don't want to see evil win." Then vote out Beelzebimbo!
In the previews of upcoming episodes: Chase to Sash: "Do you swear on your mom that you will not backstab me?" Oh Chase, do you really think "swearing on your mom" means anything? You are so much dumber than Fabio. These boys are genuine blondes. The curtains match the IQs.
So, is there something to look forward to in what remains of this season? Yes. Beelzebimbo: "As it rains and it pours, it makes me feel like crap." Sweet music that is.
Over the closing credits, we watched the tribe engaging in Madame DeFarge's "Fish Dance". You might want to use that clip today, as an appetite depressant, to keep from overindulging at table.
Happy Thanksgiving, and Cheers, darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.