<i>Survivor: Heroes vs Villains</i>: Shudder Island

There really is no one left to root for playing. (It's not like Rupert has a chance of winning. Get real.) The only thing left to make one tune it in is to see the inevitable fall of Bulbous Baggins, aka, Russell The Hobbit on Crack.
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There really is no one left to root for playing Survivor. (It's not like Rupert has a chance of winning. Get real.) The only thing left to make one tune it in is to see the inevitable fall of Bulbous Baggins, aka, Russell The Hobbit on Crack. The sooner Baggins is given the bag, the better. I'm even willing to put up with a week or two more before getting rid of Voldepussy to see the smirk wiped off of Bulbous's unwashed, trollface.

The episode opened with Parvati and Bulbous, gloating over ousting Rob. Is there a more repulsive sight than Parvati in Night Vision, gloating? "You know what? I just won." boasted Bulbous, as though the game was over. Of course, when this was shot, he was also convinced he had won season 19, which he also lost.

"It's like game on now, huh?" said Parvati, unable to come up with anything remotely original to say. Parvati, first off, this is the eighth episode, which means that is at least the 16th time someone has said a variation of "Game on." It gets said more than "Wanna see what you're playing for?" and "The tribe has spoken." Secondly, the game was "on" 18 days ago. You're almost halfway through the game.

Voldepussy was having a hissy fit. She's not usually one to resort to extreme measures, but I'm almost certain that during her diatribe on her tribe, she stamped her little foot. "I did not want Boston Rob out... Ridiculous that they're cowards, and they want to vote out Boston Rob, because Russell is a bully." They're cowards? Rob would have tied with Russell if Voldepussy, who is a moron, had voted for Russell, as she promised she would, instead of voting for Courtney's Skeleton. Her index finger may be pointing at her tribemates, but her thumb is pointing back at her.

Jerri, the World's Blindest Lesbian (No sighted person would ever be attracted to Voldepussy), was trying to undo the damage she'd done to her gay marriage to Voldepussy by voting for Rob, by saying she "already" regretted it. Voldepussy, like all true pussies, can not make a decision for herself, so she asked Jerri: "Are we going to the Final Five with them, or are we gonna try to make a play?"

"I say we just see what happens at the merge." said Jerri, blithely assuming they'd both still be there. Way to strategize, Einstein.

"The Villains are in the crapper," said Voldepussy, although they always smell that way downwind of Bulbous, who hasn't washed since Survivor 19 began, and this is Survivor 20..

Last week the Pathetic Tribe (aka "The Heroes") found a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol, which they agreed to hunt for together. Actually doing this hunt slipped their greasy minds, so the next day, JT was out looking for it himself, because he doesn't trust idols in the possession of people who aren't him. It can't have been very well hidden, since JT found it easily, and he has trouble locating his heads. But sure enough, there it was, right under a sign saying "Bulbous, your precious is under this rock," which is odd, given that Bulbous doesn't have access to the Pathetic's campsite.

But Amanda came strolling up just after he found it. Now JT could have just stuffed it in his pants and kept his having it a secret, but that would have been the smart move, so it wasn't an option for JT. He also reasoned, in so far as he can be said to reason, that a bulge in his pants would be suspicious. He's never had a bulge in his pants before. Yet I think he would have been safe. Amanda was wearing her homely-secretary glasses. If she was seeing clearly, you can be sure she'd avoid even glancing in the general direction of JT's shorts. It was all a blur to me, and even so, I was averting my eyes from JT's undersized package. (I had left my reading eyes in my other head.)

In any event, JT's ploy turned out to be to keep it a secret for 15 seconds. If Amanda hadn't walked up just then, he probably would have been shouting down the path to her: "I found the idol! Don't tell anyone!"

JT then went around telling everyone he had the idol. I think he even asked for permission to visit the other camp and tell everyone there he had it also. It would have frosted Bulbous's fries. Bulbous, who used to find them without clues, has no idol, while JT, who was born clueless and will died clueless, has one. But neither of them can ever keep quiet about it.

So it was announced to all, that it was to be used after the merge by whoever needs it. Sure. JT's rationale for announcing it was that if he came clean about having it, "no one's going to vote me out because I have it." Amanda and Candice instantly began initiating plans to vote JT out for having it. Candice inaccurately told us, "JT is the slimiest guy out here." Has she gotten within smelling distance of Bulbous? Has she ever been downwind of Voldepussy? Frankly, at this point, I think the slimiest guy on the Pathetics Tribe is Candice. (What? Oh please. She must be a guy. Her pecs are considerably smaller than JT's and he has no build at all.

Candice frets though, having noticed that JT has alliances with every member of the Pathetics Tribe, and every member of the Insufferables Tribe, and 12 players who will be in Survivor 21.

Jerri, appearing to be tied to the ground in a bondage sleeping bag, was arguing with Voldepussy. She was claiming that she was starving to death. Voldepussy was claiming she wasn't. (I imagine her telling Jerri: "You can go for three years without food. It's a proven fact! Himalayan Drunks do it all the time.") I wondered if Jerri meant their tribe had no food, or if she meant that Voldepussy had her trussed up, and was deliberately starving her to death, to get vengeance for Rob. I was waiting to hear if Voldepussy said, "Blanche, ya didn't eat your din-din."

"The time for exigency has exited," said Voldepussy, clearly delighted by her own meaning-free wordplay.

The Insufferables were convinced that the reward challenge would be a merge followed by the Merge Feast (I hear Voldepussy in my mind, "Jerri can't have any Merge Feast. She was very, very bad, and is being punished."), so convinced that they took their camp down, and lugged all of their possessions along to the challenge. Way to pointlessly use up your strength before the challenge, geniuses.

Reward Challenge: There was indeed a pizza feast waiting at the challenge site. Jeff got cute about teasing them, with a "Everybody drop your ---" and just when you expected him to say "pants" (Well, it's what I expected him to say. It's what he always says to me!), he said, "... expectations." His no-merge tease would have played better if I hadn't seen it already about ten times in promos for the show all week.

The challenge was bowling. "Did they play it hip deep in mud?" you ask. No. It was just bowling. "Did they use the other team as human bowling pins, and try to cripple their opponents with the bowling balls?" you inquire. No, it was plain old bowling. "Did they have to bowl blindfolded while hanging upside down?" you wonder aloud. No, it was normal bowling. "Did the pins then have to be arranged to solve a jigsaw puzzle?" you hesitantly theorize. No, it was regular bowling. "But, bowling is boring," you sputter incredulously. I know, believe me, I know. This looked more like a challenge for Big Brother, and even they would at least make them play it drunk.

Sandra and Courtney's skeleton sat the challenge out. Well of course Courtney's skeleton sat out. It always sits out, and it certainly couldn't lift a bowling ball. Plus, it would have no motivation for trying to win a pizza feast: it doesn't eat. It can't. It has no internal organs.

It came down to Amanda against Voldepussy. Voldepussy looked very distressed when Amanda beat him. You could hear the excuses begin assembling in his brain: Dragonslayers don't bowl! We rock! Sure, I coulda won, but I'm too big a gentleman to beat a girl. [She still thinks she's male.] The wind was against me. I was attacked by invisible pygmies during my last roll. In any event, The Insufferables, without Rob's leadership and bowling skills, were soon trudging home, to reconstruct their camp, foodless, prideless, brainless, but at least they still have Bulbous and Voldepussy. If they'd kept Rob, they might have some pizza.

Over pizza, the Pathetics misread the ouster of Rob as meaning that The Insufferables were being dominated by an all-female alliance. Well, given that Bulbous is the only male still on the tribe, it's a natural error, but it's also playing into Bulbous's game, as Bulbous wants them to undervalue his power on his harem.

JT stupidly thinks this means that Bulbous and Voldepussy are in danger, and thus would make good allies after the merge. How did this idiot ever win a million dollars? How does he get his shoes tied?

Jerri now has Buyer's Remorse. She's retroactively disgusted with tearing down the camp on an assumption, and realizes that Rob wouldn't have been such a fool, and might have led them to victory.

Then why did you write his name down on your ballot, Sherlock?

Jerri, having voted out one ally, then decided to turn on another. She started bellyaching that, once again, Sandra and Courtney's skeleton would have to play on the Immunity Challenge, further weakening an already seriously-weakened team. And blame was loudly affixed to Voldepussy, whose dopey, short-sighted decision it was. (And bear in mind, her alleged profession is as a coach.) Bulbous must already be aware that Voldepussy is mad at him over Rob, which makes her Bulbous's logical next target anyway, and here is her Lesbian Wife Jerri painting the target on her. Oh, Jerri is not getting any honey tonight. (Of course! That's why Jerri's doing it! To elude her Sapphic Duty.)

Sandra decided to help, by using a Bulbous tactic on Bulbous, telling him that Voldepussy is "gunning" for him. Bulbous must already know Voldepussy is in a snit, but Bulbous also knows that Voldepussy is too big a pussy to actually take on Bulbous. Besides, he still wants to get rid of Courtney's skeleton, for being insufficiently awesome.

Sandra's plan worked instantly. Bulbous's Paranoid Response is more sensitive than his Erotic Response. You can make him suspicious far more easily than you can make him erect. Just ask poor Mrs. Baggins.

Bulbous and Parvati delighted in the idea that voting out Voldepussy would result in the Pathetics becoming certain that there's a girl alliance, and Poor Little Bulbous needs their help and friendship. What's worse is, he's right. What Parvati can not see is that Bulbous might well flip, if he sees an advantage to himself in it. She thinks she and Bulbous are a team. Bulbous in only ever on Team Bulbous. In any event, for their plan to succeed, they need to tank the Immunity Challenge.

Immunity Challenge: Much better challenge than just bowling. This was two people chained together (always good), managing an obstacle course while wallowing in mud (mud, also always good) to retrieve pennants. No puzzle to be solved.

First round matched up Amanda chained to Candice (and then wallowing in mud. Straight viewership skyrocketed!) against Bulbous chained to a one-ton bag of concrete. What? That was Sandra? Oh, you're right. A one-ton bag of concrete would have made a better showing than Sandra did. Candice and Amanda were back with their pennants some 40 minutes ahead of Bulbous and the concrete bag.

The second round, Voldepussy against Rupert, no chaining, was a squeaker, but Voldepussy, the only person on his tribe who actually wants to win, managed to beat Rupert by seconds. Sandra was still stuck out on the course somewhere from round one, waiting for a tow truck to get there and haul her in.

The final round, with it all tied up, was really gratuitous. They had JT and Colby chained together (Little Dougie barely even looked up. He's lost all interest since James went off.) Against Parvati chained to Courtney's skeleton. The only suspense here is: would Courtney's skeleton make it to the end of this round still in one piece? And what insane thing will Voldepussy say when he's voted out tonight?

By the end of the round, Colby and JT weren't even bothering to run. They sort of strolled up to the finish line with their winning pennant while Parvati was just reaching her pennant, and Courtney's skeleton had dissolved in a lime pit.

But would Voldepussy get tossed? Courtney's skeleton, possessing no muscle tissue whatever, had to be all but carried off the mud pit. Danielle (Oh look. Danielle's still on the show) was now in agreement with Voldy that Courtney's skeleton should be laid to rest.

Voldy was turned on by the challenge. Of course she was. She won her round, the only player on her tribe to score a point. She had slain the dragon! By that I mean, she ran in mud a teensy bit faster than an out-of-shape older man with a broken toe. Quake with Fear, dragons! "What a challenge. It was the muddiest one yet. [She sounds like Richard Nixon getting nostalgic remembering old political campaigns.] You know how I look at it? Like going to a spa." She doesn't suggest someone who has ever set foot in a spa, and she seriously needs to notice how pissed the rest of her tribe is.

But she's too busy noticing her own awesomeness. "Everybody's down, everybody's hurting, everybody's nauseous..." her gleeful tone is unmistakable, despite her failing to notice that she's the one making them nauseous, or at least the one making me neaseous. Also upsetting my tummy was Voldepussy flexing what she's mistaken for a muscle, while she drinks in her magnificence in a way that would have embarrassed Narcissus. "...and the Dragonslayer is just coming into his own. I feel full of energy, and it's time for me to shine off into the horizon." Hard to shine when one is covered in mud and self-love, Actually, it's time for her to go off into the horizon.

She needs to get her head out of Cloud Cuckoo Land and assess the world around her realistically. "Part of me says I ought to just get rid of Russell tonight." How? Using the same strategies she used last show to vote out Courtney's skeleon? The only way Voldepussy could vote Bulbous out would be if they gave a separate vote to each of the voices in her head. As long as it's "One loony, one vote," she hasn't got a chance of taking out Mr. Baggins. She could, on the other hand, possibly take out Courtney's skeleton.

But then this Danielle person had to open her big mouth to Bulbous, explaining how, if they kept Voldpussy and got rid of Courtney's skeleton, they could win challenges again. Bulbous knows perfectly well that the challenge-winning boat has sailed, and he likes losing challenges better anyway. More demoralizing. All he's hearing is one of his harem not doing what she's told, but arguing with him. Way to pull the cross-hairs off of Voldepussy and onto yourself, dumbo.

Danielle finally shrieks at Bulbous, "You're not listening to me!" Of course he isn't. Have you met Bulbous? He listens only to himself! And he's certainly not going to listen to strategy contrary to his own put forth by a woman.

But then later he came back, and he was making agreeing noises. This wind was blowing every direction. "You never know what's going to happen between now and when the sun goes down," said Courtney's skeleton at sunset.

Tribal Council: Jeff asked Voldepussy: "What do you think the take is on this tribe is from the outside looking in?"

Voldpussy replied: "I personally feel that people are laughing at us right now." Well I certainly am. But then, people probably laugh at everything Voldepussy says, does, or participates in.

"I'm a determined little bitch," said Courtney's skeleton, in an attempt to raise the tone of the discussion, "and I will put up with a lot of crap to get through to the end." Let's see how well that works for you.

Jeff asked Bulbous: "How is tonight's vote going to change this tribe?" Somehow, he managed not to answer: "It'll make it smaller."

Voldepussy was smirking with joy as Jeff began the vote count, convinced that his long plots against Courtney's skeleton had at last born fruit, much as I was smirking 90 seconds later, when the vote that evicted Voldepussy was read out, and the insufferable woman became the first member of the jury. Score one for The Dragons!

The votes turned out to be illuminating, their deepest significance glossed over in the broadcast. Voldepussy was voted out by Danielle, who argued vociferously for keeping him, Sandra, Courtney's skeleton, and Parvati. Bulbous voted to evict Courtney's skeleton. Which means the two oldest members of his harem, Paravti and Danielle, voted against Bulbous's orders! Suddenly it is a woman's alliance controlling the team! In the words of Gollum: What went wrong for the Filthy Little Baggenses?

The previews showed us JT concocting an irredeemably stupid plan to slip the Hidden Immunity Idol to Bulbous. Now that would actually be more stupid than Tyson the Mormon Moron blindsiding himself.

But in his exit interview, Voldepussy left us with one more verbal gem: "I really am not a very vindictive person, but I hope they get wiped off the face of the map." I'd hate to see him when he is vindictive. Oh really, I'd just hate to see him.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.

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