Survivor: Samoa: Stormy Weather

Over in Samoa, our TV Samoa of months ago, not the poor nation struggling to recover from their recent catastrophe (and it's not too late to contribute, by calling 1-800-RED-CROSS or going to redcross.org or HELPSAMOA.com, to make a financial gift.) There are storm clouds heading their way.

Someone - Monica? Laura? Kate Gosselin? - said: "[Shambles] is a complete Gilligan." Quite apart from the gratuitous insult to my beloved Bob Denver (He was Stanley Kowalski to my Blanche Dubois in A Streetcar Named Desire in summer stock a few decades back. My God, what a beast! Talk about raw animal sex appeal - well you had to talk about it, because he hadn't any you could detect with the naked eye, or any other naked organ. Hmmm Maybe Shambles is a "complete Gilligan."), the fact is, Shambles is more like two Gilligans, and she's far more masculine.

Tribe Zsa Zsa loves Shambles. Well of course they do. She broke Galu's fishing gear and lost one of their chickens. She's Zsa Zsa's best asset, and she's not even one of them.

Black Russell has shown a tendency to talk of "my women" and how he must take care of "his" women. Very possessive and chauvinistic. Well, they showed his ballot from last week's eviction vote at the top of this week's show, and when he voted out Yasmin, he spelt her name "Yasmine," probably pronounced Yas-MINE!" How Freudian can you get? Five cents, please.

This is episode 5. The opening credits showed Galu with someone named "Laura." Is she someone other than Monica? Is she this mythical "Brett" person's drag persona? Galu has had so little screen time, that Shambles, Erik, Danger Dave, and Black Russell seem to be the only real people in the tribe so far. Having 20 survivors was just too many. We're 5 episodes in, and they are still introducing new characters. When does Ben Linus show up?

Erik, talking about difficulties he was having washing his half-inch-long hair in the sea: "It hits you with ... Waves that suck you, and pull you, and send you all over the place." That is a very disrespectful way to talk about the brave women of the WAVES, the "Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service," who fought in our navy during World War II. For shame, Erik.

Treemail warned the tribes that the Eating Revolting Foods challenge was up. Ashley, a blonde bimbo on Tribe Zsa Zsa, who appears to weigh, at most, a pound, discussing the-eating-revolting-foods competition (which, fortunately enough, did not involve oral sex with Rush Limbaugh), had this advice for Natalie, the other blond bimbette, who, by comparison with Ashley, is a total porker, probably tipping the scales at two pounds, if not two and a half: "The trick is, you can't throw it up; you have to keep it down. You can not puke."

Only girls whose weight is in the low single digits would think of swallowing food and not throwing it right back up again as "a trick." Apparently Ashley's fear was that they would vomit out of force of habit. Retaining and digesting what you eat is a brand new concept to them. These are girls who are on Survivor not to win money, but to lose weight.

Reward Challenge: They had close ups of flies crawling about on the pukalicious foods awaiting the players, but fear not. Finding the "food" too disgusting for even a bug to eat, the flies quickly flew off again, in search of something more palatable, like maybe some fresh manure.

To win edible food, the players would spin the Roulette Wheel of Nausea, to select repugnant ingredients. This form of roulette is even sicker and more deadly than Russian Roulette. Jeff would then put the loathsome makings into a blender, to make "Samoan Smoothies." (Actually, some of them were more like Samoan Lumpies.) How loathsome were these ingredients? Well, halfway through the challenge, the blender committed suicide. These smoothies were so abhorrent that the drinks tasted better after they'd been vomited back up again than they did going down the first time. Puke is Mother's Milk next to a Samoan Smoothie. This garbage was almost as bad as Sushi. I said "almost."

The first spin brought up "Giant Clam" (the wheel did not say "Giant Raw Clam" but that's what it was), and "Jeff's Choice." Folks, do not ask Jeff Probst to cater your next big party. As a chef, he's Wolfgang Yuck. He chose raw octopus tentacle, sea snails, and something called "Noni Juice." Ex-Marine Shambles, accustomed to military food, slurped it right down, and almost asked for more. Jaison had a harder time, but got it all down. He's studying to become a lawyer, so he's been taught how to swallow anything.

Smoothie 2 was simple, a double portion of jellyfish with milk. Talk about inhumanly disgusting: milk! Psycho Russell: "I never even drink milk by itself." Me neither. It's so much better with rum in it. Of course, back in my lactating days, there were men who liked my milk fresh from the faucet, so to speak, but then, I used to produce 80-proof breast milk. I couldn't nurse my daughter, because in California, you legally had to be 21 to drink my breast milk, and my breasts were banned outright in Utah.

Drinking her sea urchin cocktail, Asian Liz held her nose. It was unclear whether she did this to avoid the stench, or if she was just trying to drown herself in her smoothie.

Ashley and Danger Dave got water and sea slug guts. Who knew sea slugs even had "guts"? I gotta give Danger Dave credit. He got it down without puking. I heaved all over the room, just watching him. Little Dougie had to hose off the keyboard to finish typing this recap. I haven't seen this much throwing up since the 2004 presidential election.

Ashley forgot her own coaching advice, wimped out, and puked up her sea slug guts. Everyone else managed to get their revolting drinks down. Only Ashley failed, causing Tribe Zsa Zsa to miss out on the palatable food reward. On the good side though, she didn't gain any weight.

Black Russell had to pick a spy to go hang with Zsa Zsa, a spy who would miss out on the good food feast. (Oh yeah. We'll keep some aside for you. Sure we will. And also, you've won the Nigerian Lottery, just send us your social security number, your PIN number, and your bank account number, and we'll send you $5,000,000.) Russell instantly picked "My girl, [Shambles]," (again with the possessives) probably on the basis of whom would he most like to be rid of for two days. Or maybe he just felt that anytime she spent not in their camp, was more time she wouldn't be spending ruining equipment and letting their food escape.

But Shambles, beloved of Tribe Zsa Zsa, wasn't having it, and tried to argue her way out of it. "What do you want me to do?" asked Black Russell, as though it wasn't plainly obvious that what she wanted him to do was to send someone, anyone, else, like maybe go himself. Nope. A day without Shambles is like a day with sunshine to Black Russell. Shambles was stuck.

On the plus side, Jeff gave Shambles a third clue to the whereabouts of the Hidden Immunity Idols, both of which have already been found by others. Great prize. As Shambles settled in with her Zsa Zsa fan club, Black Russell murmured the real reason for his decision to the rest of his tribe: "Had to pay for that chicken." Gracious; a moment of honesty! (And frankly, he was right. It was a fitting penalty. The irony is that Shambles had been complaining that Black Russell didn't kick enough butt as a leader. The laugh is on her. It was her butt he decided to kick. Happy now, Shambles?)

Shambles on her disappointment: "I feel like I got hit by a train today." So that explains her hair! If you think she looks bad, you should see what's left of that train!

Back at Zsa Zsa, as my future-ex-husband Jaison bitched about missing out on the steaks (thanks solely to Ashley), Shambles brought the subject back to what it should be: her. "You guys are pissed? Imagine how I feel." How is her missing out on a feast worse than the rest of them missing out on a feast? It's bad enough you guys aren't enjoying the food, but even worse, I'm missing out on the food. After all, I'm the Center of the Universe. You're just "Other People."

But Shambles is still in the bliss of her love affair with Tribe Zsa Zsa, "You guys are all sweethearts. There's no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get." I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say that I'm pretty sure the US Marines did not employ Shambles in Intelligence Work. They cut directly from her idiot statement "There's no hidden agenda. What you see is what you get," to a shot of Psycho Russell, who has so many hidden agendas, he hasn't any visible ones. Man, is she stupid.

MickMoron said of Ashley's blowing dinner for everyone: "I was surprised. I thought Ashley would be just fine in today's challenge." Why would he think that? Look at her. She clearly has no previous experience with eating food. If she had any less meat on her, she'd have an exo-skeleton. Said MickMoron, "I feel like sometimes, she's not carrying her weight." And when you consider that her weight is at most a pound and a half, that's really lame! But then, she's probably weak from not having eaten since the Clinton Administration.

Natalie, the other vacuous blond, who weighs about what Ashley's hair weighs, comforted Ashley: "Don't worry about it. You are a rock star." What? On what planet? Talk about delusional. What exactly is she a star for? Wimpiness? Vacuousness? Lameness? Self-involvement? Anorexia? Stupidity? If Freddie Mercury had been alive, and had cost the tribe that feast, they'd have voted him out too, and he actually was a rock star. She's a spa salesgirl, not Janis Joplin. (I really must learn the names of some living rock stars. I assume there still are some.)

Wait! This just in: Ashley has just been awarded next year's Nobel Peace Prize. The Nobel Prize Committee stated that, once again, they couldn't actually wait until a candidate actually earned it (so last minute), nor wait until they hand out the next batch of prizes next year, because Ashley was just too awesome a rock star to delay honoring. The way she almost didn't blow the competition for everyone, by very nearly not puking, it rocked, man.

Natalie wasn't finished with her fantasy trip. Here's a bit more of Planet Natalie's version of Ashley's performance in the challenge: "You know what? You did so good..." No, she did extremely badly. "...I'm really proud of you... You're strong, and you've done well. You've done really, really well." Huh? That's the exact opposite of what she did. Her task was: swallow it, and keep it down. She threw it up. She couldn't have failed more utterly. I'll bet last November, Natalie congratulated John McCain for winning the presidential election. Everyone else is on Survivor: Samoa; Natalie is on Survivor: Bizarro World.

(I think I'd like to see Survivor: Bizarro World. Mark Burnett, set it up. But then, it would be a very short series, since the first person voted out would win the million dollars. But it would be the first truly unscripted reality show.)

Wait! Maybe the reason Natalie thinks that Ashley doing really, really badly is actually doing "really, really well," is that, as girls who clearly avoid eating as much as humanly possible, their real goal was to lose the challenge, and thus avoid getting all that fattening food, which they'd just have to throw up again anyway. Food? How gross! Now, thanks to Ashley, it will be Tribe Galu getting all fat and gross, while Tribe Zsa Zsa maintains their awesome starving Biafran baby look, which is so hot!

Black Russell explained again to Tribe Galu, in case they felt he was being mean to Shambles, that it was explicitly a punishment for losing the chicken. Since, if it hadn't been Shambles, one of the others now eating the feast would have missed out instead, they were all okay with it. So was I.

Loose Lips Shambles could not resist giving the Hidden Idol clues to the entire Zsa Zsa tribe, just as last week, she gave the idol clues freely to Rocket John and Erik. She hasn't a trace of strategy. The idea of keeping mum and thus gaining an advantage never crossed her peculiar brain. It was all moot anyway, as Psycho Russell has the Zsa Zsa idol (which he has blabbed to a few players already) and Erik has the Galu idol, which Erik has had sense enough to keep secret. One person out of twenty who actually gets how to play the game.

Psycho Russell was enjoying watching this abysmally stupid woman crawling headfirst into a tree's hole, looking for the idol he had stashed in his pants. Talk about barking up the wrong tree! When Shambles couldn't find it, she began hollering questions at the tribe, "Jaison, do you have the immunity idol?" Why would she think he'd tell her if he did? Does she assume that the whole tribe is as relentlessly stupid as she is? I'm afraid that's a "yes."

Liz struck closer to home. Liz: "Russell, do you?"

Russell (not being an idiot - he's evil, but not stupid): "No. Would I tell you if I had it?"

Liz: "I hope so." Congratulations Liz. In the first episode, Liz stated she wanted to shatter negative Asian stereotypes. Well, she just thoroughly trashed that degrading stereotype of Asians as being really smart. Liz, it turns out, is almost as stupid as Shambles.

Sherlock Shambles, the Great Defective, solved the mystery of The Case of the Missing Immunity Idol: "I know damn well that Ben walked out with that frickin' idol. Idiot."

Liz: "Oh, I agree." Well we certainly have some idiots, but they are actually the two women stating that they know Ben had the idol and foolishly didn't play it, when the idol is actually four feet away from them, in Psycho Russell's pants. They think he's just glad to see them.

Eventually it dawned on Liz that the "knowledge" that Ben had the idol was not knowledge at all. So then she decided Russell had it. She was right this time, although she had no more evidence to go on than she had when agreeing with Shambles's huge leap to an erroneous conclusion. So she took the direct approach, and asked Russell point blank if he had it, like he'd tell her. This turned ugly fast.

Liz: "I'm telling you, if you are lying to me..." (What? You'll be very, very cross? You'll hold your breath until you turn blue? She couldn't even finish her threat, because she had nothing to finish it with.)

Psycho Russell: "Why is this so much of a concern for you? Why are you so worried about this?" Good questions. The idol only works if held in secret. No one in their right mind blabs around that he/she has the idol. Why would you expect someone to tell you they had it, let alone threaten them if they didn't tell you what they had no reason to tell you in the first place? Liz is so stupid, I can't really believe she is Asian at all.

Psycho Russell: "You're freaking me out right now, because I'm telling you the truth ..." No. You're lying to her face, which I am all right with. "... and you're telling me I'm not honest? And you want to be the one to go next?" That shut her up. Suddenly she realized she was painting a large target on her own forehead.

The Rains Came. The reason they call them Tropical Rain Forests, is because in the tropics, it rains a lot. And now a torrential storm broke upon Samoa, and Tribe Galu learned the penalty for choosing a lot of absorbent cotton blankets and pillows instead of a big, waterproof canvas tarp to keep them all dry. Black Russell's stupidity had come home to roost. This batch of Survivors contain more extremely stupid people than any two seasons of Big Brother. Somewhere (actually, on the set of The Bold & the Beautiful, on which she and Jeff are shooting a guest cameo appearance) Jordumb Lloyd is watching these players and saying ,"Man, they are D - U - M, dumb! Where is Samoa, anyway? Is it in Anaheim?")

"Brett" it turns out (I'll stop putting his name in quotes when I become convinced he actually is real), is a "T-Shirt Designer." Galu has a rocket scientist, an environmental attorney, a former Marine sergeant, and a "T-Shirt Designer." That's a profession that ranks right up there with aromatherapist, pet psychic, and Fung Shui expert. Has the basic design of T-shirts ever varied? A torso, a neckhole, and two short sleeves. What's to design? Get a real job, "Brett."

Immunity Challenge: A challenge being played in a monsoon. Priceless. I almost wish Yasmin From Planet X hadn't been eliminated already, as I would have enjoyed hearing her bitch about having to play outdoors during a deluge. Oh, and judging from the shivering done by the skinny, bony bimbos with no body fat to keep them warm (Yes, you morons, a certain amount of body fat is needed to keep warm), it was also freezing cold.

This challenge involved two players holding up nets by ropes, while members of the opposing team threw cocoanuts into the nets, until they became too heavy to hold, particularly with a wet grip in a monsoon.

Galu took an early lead. No good basketball players, it would seem, on Zsa Zsa. Jaison looks like a basketball player, but his sport is actually waterpolo. However, given how torrential and unrelenting the rain was, another half hour, and they'd have been playing waterpolo.

I couldn't help but grin, hearing Jeff call out: "Ashley hasn't made a single shot yet." Well honestly, each one of those cocoanuts outweighs her. She can barely lift one, let alone throw them into a basket over her head.

More puzzling was Jeff's call out: "Kelly scores for Galu." Who? Who the hell is Kelly? Is that another name for Monica? Is she "Brett" in drag? If they're just going to keep adding new players every week, we'll be here all year.

Galu won, of course. Shambles is safe to be weird for another week. Galu, count your chickens. Nor will Black Russell have to face the wrath of his soaked-to-the-skin tribemates for his bone-headed decision to get pillows and blankets instead of the tarp, for which all are suffering now.

But Liz did such a good job of hanging onto her basket, well outlasting Psycho Russell, that there is little chance of Psycho Russell being able to get rid of her this week. - Or is there?

Jaison may be principled and intelligent, but he's not all that swift on the pick-up. "Today is the first day I'm convinced that we might be at a real serious disadvantage. As a tribe, it just doesn't look good anymore." Hello? You've lost four out of five immunity challenges. And thanks to Lame-o Chef Mike, you are about to be reduced to half the size of Galu, and yet you've only just now noticed how deep the doo-doo is in which your tribe is mired? At this point, the only thing you have going for you is that Shambles isn't on your tribe. Well, at least Jaison looks fabulous in that soaking wet, clinging yellow shirt.

Psycho Russell is at a disadvantage because of the storm, which has now been pounding them nonstop for 48 hours. Because they are all stuck, huddled together under their meager shelter, he can't get people alone to poison and manipulate into voting as he wants. He wants to get Liz out, but he has no chance to influence the tribe.

Ashley wants to vote out Liz too. Ashley's reason was - ah - ah - well, she didn't really have a reason beyond "She's not me."

Tribal Council: Ashley told Jeff she trusts Natalie and Psycho Russell. Well, Natalie is her clone, but Russell is a viper. Ashley isn't so much a poor judge of character as she is someone who has no idea what "Character" means. Since no one knew who was in the doghouse, there wasn't much to discuss. Time to vote.

Weak Stomach Ashley got voted out. Those hungry people remembered who blew the feast for them. Liz doesn't realize how that storm had saved her butt. And for a last laugh for us at home, even Natalie, Ashley's trusted clone, voted to eliminate her. Betrayed by her fellow bimbo. Sweet.

For Ashley's "Family Moment," we saw a middle-aged couple I'm assuming are Ashley's parents, holding two small doggies I'm assuming are her less-attractive siblings. (Wait. I take back that "less-attractive" remark. The doggies are adorable. Ashley, not so much.) The person I'm assuming is Ashley's dad said, "Survivor's going to teach you, you can do anything you want to in Life, if you put your mind to it." Dad, have you met Ashley? In order to put your mind to something, you first have to have a mind to put to it. What she learned was that she couldn't do "anything you want in Life," since she wasn't able to stay in the game over two weeks. In fact, she couldn't even hold down a nauseating beverage without puking, when everyone else could.

Next week, the storm continues, and another injury will sideline a player. (Please not Jaison. Please not Jaison. Please not Jaison. Please not Jaison.)

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.