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It's A Crisis, We Need Palin

If only Palin were president now, all our troubles would seem so far away. She'd have no trouble convincing the nation of a bailout plan. Hey, the plan is God's Will!
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Asked whether there's a risk of another Great Depression if Congress doesn't approve a $700 billion bailout package, Palin said: "Unfortunately, that is the road that America may find itself on."

We are in a crisis. We need a leader, someone with experience to help us navigate through this mess. We need the candidate with the most executive experience in the race to save us. That candidate is, of course, Governor Sarah Palin.

  • Palin has lead the great state of Alaska, the largest state by square footage, for years and years (one and two thirds years), more than any other candidate has run a state.
  • Palin knows how to balance a budget, having done this once for Alaska with the help of First Dude Todd, who runs a fishing business one month out of each year.
  • Palin knows how to find money where nobody else would dare look. Palin billed her state for meal money while spending more than 300 nights at her Valley home during her first 19 months in office and regularly takes family members on state-paid trips.
  • Palin knows how to sell assets, such as an airplane. As long as the economic crisis solution does not depend on eBay, she's ready on day one.
  • Nobody is allowed to question Palin, or they'll be accused of sexism, so she can push through her bail out solution better than someone with no breasts.
  • Palin's plan will be God's Will. With the members and preachers of her past churches praying to tell God to give her a good plan, she will have Heavenly authority. We don't have to worry about witches hurting her, either.
  • Palin's connections with the Alaskan Independence Party could help her simply lob off 1/50th of our problems, including the state with the most square footage of any other state, while eliminating our border that is so close to Russia she could see it from her house.
  • Palin's connections to big oil could lead to "donations" from them to help the bail out.
  • Palin's close relationship with indicted Senator Ted Stevens may give her insights into the manipulation of monies from "unusual" sources to help the bail out.
  • Palin has not wasted any time outside the United States, or learning foreign policy, or watching the news, so she has the most domestic brain space of all of Washington.
  • Palin's journalism degree gives her an insight that no other politician, economist, lawyer or expert has. The crisis will need a creative solution, and journalists are certainly creative.
  • Palin organized the building of a skating rink in Wasilla, similar to the building of an economy, if you squint a bit.
  • Palin was in the PTA, and if you can handle the women that join the PTA, you can handle Wall Street!
  • Palin is pretty and dynamic, so she can rally Americans around the cause, regardless of its effectiveness or practicality. After all, she's convinced half of America that she is the opposite of everything her background has proven she is.
  • Palin is white.
  • Palin has five children, one of which is a special needs child. That has nothing to do with this crisis, but all references to Palin must by law include this information.

The path is clear for us. We must demand that Sarah Palin solve our economic crisis. And if not Palin, then Paris Hilton. But that's another article.

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