When I turned on the news this week I naturally assumed that tigers had taken over the planet.
Clearly, this would be the only reason to allot such a trivial story so much air time. Tigers have been plotting an armed revolt and have decided to strike, proving all of us liberals wrong when we said hunters don't need assault riffles. They do. We're fucked.
But I was wrong. The only thing tigers have hijacked are our consolidated airwaves, along with stories about holiday shopping, wronged white people, and housewives who dress their dogs like Texan prom queens. Ho ho ho: we are a country of infants.
People call us apathetic. They say we are lazy, and they may be right. But maybe there would be a little more outrage if people knew what to be outraged about. People are not going to prioritize protesting the war when they are being force-fed stories about zoo animals. Even our "hard-hitting" reporters like David Gregory are weeks behind schedule because they can't do research when busy on the Today Show, watching some kid's cat jump through a hoop.
I don't give a shit about that tiger unless it was: eavesdropping on my phone calls, planning an economic shock to chaotic Pakistan, invading Iran, dismantling our Constitution, or playing the guitar (that would be cool). If it is knocking over levees in New Orleans, weakening our dollar, rigging the voting in Ohio, planning to assassinate Hugo Chavez, pardoning rapists, or running as a liberal when it is clearly a centrist (at best), then roll camera!
But don't waste our time until the above issues are resolved or until journalists are allowed to do their jobs. Until fluff pieces aren't the majority of the news, I say run free animal kingdom! Run free and take names! From the White House to News Corp, Iowa to Kevin Martin's house, run free and fuck shit up!
Revolt, tigers! REVOLT!