For those of you who follow my website, I hope you read the recent guest blog by Daniel F. Doyle, M.F.T. (who also happens to be my husband), which examines the holiday season from a mental health perspective:
In my psychotherapy practice, I hear from clients about the pressure they feel to be positive and cheerful during the holiday season -- whether that is authentically how they feel or not. This can be very difficult for people who have experienced losses (including the loss of loved ones with whom they used to happily celebrate the holidays), and for those who feel isolated in their lives. Furthermore, the pressure to "be happy" is often internalized, and this increases the distress that individuals experience during this time of year due to their own self-criticism about how they feel.
It's ironic that what is supposed to be the most joyful time of year can indeed create much "distress" because of the enormous societal pressure to observe the season in very particular ways. In acknowledgement of this, and as a compassionate response, many churches offer at this time of year a service known as "Blue Christmas," a more low key, contemplative observation of the season, especially for those who mourn the loss of a loved one at Christmas time, or others who are struggling with issues such as depression, for example, that make their own celebrations difficult, and the celebratory atmosphere all around them, painful. Blue Christmas is a way of honoring the fact that some people have different emotional experiences at this time of year and giving them a space to be themselves without having to manufacture fake smiles and counterfeit joy. (Here is one excellent example of such a service from The Rev. Heather Hill, All Saints, Parma, Ohio,)
I applaud these services and those who offer them; they are a correction to the secularized version of Christmas, which has become all hype, frenzy, and consumer excess. But from a Christian perspective (and Christianity, dear readers, is the original source of the holiday, just so you know...) the four weeks leading up to Christmas, known as Advent, were not a time of shopping and parties, but of quiet preparation, even penitence, similar to Lent, the season leading up to Easter. This may sound like an excuse for grinches to poo-poo Christmas cheer, but it is actually quite the opposite. Rather than forcing cheerfulness, being in an apoplectic rush to buy gifts, put up decorations and bake cookies for the kids' holiday parties, observing Advent gives us a chance to breathe, reflect on the year, and be mindful about where and how we want to spend our money and time. Then, when Christmas does arrive, rather than feeling shocked and unprepared, frantically wrapping presents at 3:00 am on Christmas Eve and being grouchy when the children want to get up at dawn and tear all those packages open (always the case in my home, growing up), we can enter fully into the celebration with no anxiety, and no let-down when it suddenly ends, when the decorations come down, the stores and Starbucks stop selling eggnog, and there's no more shopping and parties to distract us from our feelings anymore.
You see, for those of us who observe Advent, we know that Christmas, far from ending December 26, is a two week festival lasting until Epiphany on January 6. So that means there's no rush! Let your parties and gift-giving unfold leisurely over the holiday season. Don't get caught up in the pressure to have a perfectly wrapped present, the perfect outfit, to cook the perfect meal all on one day. Spread the celebration out. Give gifts December 27, throw a New Year's Day brunch and take your tree and decorations down after Epiphany. And guess what, when everyone runs out of egg nog, you can make your own at home (and it's so delicious, it doesn't need espresso).
The point of all this is that, especially for those of us who are religious and even those who are not, we shouldn't be trying to make ourselves fit into a mold given to us by the consumer culture, which certainly doesn't have our best interests at heart by any stretch of the imagination. All the sappy, sentimental messages and commercials you get at this time of year about home and family are there for one reason only: to emotionally manipulate you into buying more products. So be counter-cultural and let this season reflect whatever you're feeling. If you enjoy and find meaning in all the rush and frenzy, by all means, have at it and enjoy it fully. But if not, use this time of year to look inside, draw nearer to loved ones (which does not necessarily mean buying them stuff), and be thankful for the good things you've received and look forward to the dreams and goals of the year to come. Don't let anyone else dictate to you what your Christmas should look like. Give yourself and others a wonderful mental health break -- the gift of a peaceful, relaxing Advent and Christmas season.
(Please visit adventconspiracy.org for more ideas on how.)