Hey, it’s me, Jammilyn Lohan. Yeah, like Evelyn but with more jam. Lindsay was named after our sweet grandmother and I was named by the dumb nurse who filled out my birth certificate and misunderstood my mom when she said, “Her name is Evelyn,” then motioned to her breakfast tray and said, “With more jam, please.” She never got more jam. She got Jammilyn. Whatever.
Look, I’m pissed because no one realizes that I f*cking exist. It’s been 19 years since the movie came out. How do you still not know that the twins in the movie were played by actual twins?! (Yeah, I played Annie. What of it, sh*theads.) When the producers forgot to put my name in the credits, I didn’t worry because I thought everyone would surely recognize the typo and notice that TWO GIRLS were on the f*cking screen at the same f*cking time. NOPE. Everyone thought Lindsay acted both parts. Are you f*cking serious? How is that even possible? There are conversations and literal hugs that happen with both. Of. Us. On. Screen.
Not to mention all the crap I went through during filming. I got my ears f*cking pierced on camera for sheer comic effect. I ate peanut butter and oreos when I have a severe peanut allergy. I jumped naked into a lake after losing a poker match and nearly drowned. I got a tattoo of Martin the Butler’s head and they EDITED IT OUT OF THE MOVIE! God, I hated playing Annie.
I wanted us to become the next Olsen twins. You know, Mary-Kate and Ashley, taking on the world with their cute duo movies. They were even in a similar film called It Takes Two and guess what - they were both credited! It has a glorious 8% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, which is 8% more credit than I got for this shit movie. The Olsen twins are inspiring. I didn’t realize Lindsay was going to Elizabeth Olsen this shit and make a name for herself (no offense, Elizabeth, I love your work and think you are phenomenal). I can’t believe Lindsay left me in the dust. (Seriously, Elizabeth, I mean no harm.) Whatever. (Elizabeth, please unblock me on Twitter.)
You know, it might sound like I’m bitter because I was erased by cinema history. Or that I’m jealous of Lindsay’s success following The Parent Trap. Or even that my parents love her more because she is great and special and I am Jammilyn. Well, you know what - that’s all true. While my estranged sister is probably being a model or a movie star now, I am stuck pursuing my lame Ph.D degree in particle physics at a boring old lab at Yale. I don’t even know how I got here. Just worked really f*cking hard in school and balanced extracurriculars with academics and got good letters of recommendation, I guess. It doesn’t even matter. I’m not starring in any movies or being reported on by PEOPLE magazine. I’m just making cutting edge technological advances in a science that could explain the secrets of the universe. There are no red carpets here. Just a ton of f*cking Gothic architecture, which really complements my mood.
In the Berenst(e)in Bears parallel universe, I am the person who was remembered, not Lindsay. But I did research on that theory in my lab and it’s not f*cking possible. I can’t believe you morons even thought it was spelled with an ‘e’! But of course you did, because you saw TWO INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE on screen and thought they were ONE PERSON, you f*cking idiots. How are you that gullible? Did you watch The Sound of Music and think all the children were played by Julie Andrews? Which, I wouldn’t put past her because she is a f*cking queen (Elizabeth, she reminds me of you). I just checked their IMDb pages and they are SEPARATE PEOPLE. I just checked my IMDb page and it DOES NOT EXIST.
I’m writing this with very little hope for the future. Lindsay is going to be in the glorious limelight her whole life. I will do groundbreaking research, win a Nobel Prize, and go on to be a distinguished professor at some British university. Life isn’t fair. I just need you to recognize me. Because I did my fair share for that movie and didn’t get any fucking notice. Remember when I fenced and then got pulled into a LITERAL TROUGH OF WATER? I hate water. Whatever. I’m late for the CERN conference.