Recently, I felt compelled to respond to a post shared by a friend on social media. It referenced this article, written by a black man, seemingly as apologetics click-bait for black women nursing chronic soul pain inflicted by ingrates, who just happen to be black. The article found its niche.
“All we do (me included),” its writer said, “is make withdrawals when it comes to black women, and not deposits. We suck the life out of them, and make not a single ounce of investment in them, this is abuse. Sad thing is the abuse isn’t isolated, it’s generational.”
Subsequently, the writer connects a few dots rather speciously — even for his own life — but not before perpetuating media stereotypes of black people.
“Psychologically, I think I always seen [sic] black women as an enemy because of the relationship I had with my mother. Many black men have dysfunctional relationships with their mother, she’s our first teacher, so if we don’t see value in her, we will never see value in any black woman, because we don’t see value in ourselves.”
The caption shared by my friend, a black woman, in response to the article was decidedly angry and denigratory of black men but was, admittedly, about her own fear of never finding another black man as a mate.
“Black men are AFRAID of a woman who has her SHIT TOGETHER,” her caption shouted in critique of black men whose choices, she felt, are neither appreciative nor reflective enough of who black women are. “Angela Bassett, Viola Davis, Whoopi Goldberg, and Diana Ross (shaken, not stirred)....NOT like Halle Berry.”
That Halle Berry is “stirred” requires its own post. Apparently, like me, she’s not “black enough” for some black folks.
“We are too loose, too lazy, too energetic, too fat, too thin, too sweet, too loud, too MUCH,” the caption continued, mimicking the unrelenting criticism black men seemingly direct toward black women. “So, we, BLACK WOMEN rarely win at love...Get YOUR SHIT TOGETHER BLACK MEN!!!”
The caption then delivered a parting shot — off on a date “with a non-Black man” — the consequential “fault” of black men.
Such screeds, reflective of personal experience, are simply not true for all black women or, indeed, all black men. In fact, some would argue that denigrating men, generally, has become the "independent woman" card that discourages accountability and self-examination regarding why that is their experience.
Racial stereotyping, which leads to racial profiling, should bother us all. It’s not just black men or black women who keep swimming around in the same cesspool, expecting to catch prize fish. The Law of Attraction — "Like attracts Like" — is intrinsic to developing consciousness of all people. We attract the same type of person or hindrances until we change entrenched behaviors and conquer deep-rooted fears and issues of self-esteem.
I had a remarkable black man for a husband, someone who came back into my life after a devastating divorce, when I needed to be reminded that not all men come to take — some come to restore. He died in 2009 from cancer. Which led to one subsequent, er, “detour” who defined “emotional unavailability” for me. Shit happens when you’re vulnerable.
However, the watershed issue is never about whom we attract, but whom we choose. Ultimately, choices are color blind.
To be sure, there is data suggesting that, in America, entrenched battle-lines between black men and black women have become "generational," partially through socialized anti-poverty government programs that marginalize black men from families they create out of wedlock. There’s even the cultural acknowledgment of two nations within Black America. Therefore, I don't want to minimize such issues.
However, many western cultures don't fully understand the dynamic of respect, which when given to men fuels love that women want from them in return. It is a rare man — of any race — who willingly draws close to the countenance and aura of a woman who is consistently angry, however justified she feels.
Over the years, I have counseled women and men of different races on relationship issues and coached them through painful situations, including divorce. I remember one woman, in particular, complaining bitterly that her husband had changed, that he had withdrawn into his own space where sex was almost non-existent. The more she talked, the more I realized it was she who needed help more. She seemed unaware how disrespected her husband was feeling by things she said and did.
“The women who are angry that there are no good men never realize good men avoid angry women,” writer Michael Xavier said in a very profound observation. Ask a good man if that’s true.
There's nothing remiss about expecting a man — of any race — to be kind, and considerate, and respectful, and faithful, even if you’ve been married for 20 years. Confident men who are your professional and intellectual equal with compatible emotional intelligence will never be intimidated by your “maintenance level” or accomplishments. They understand that there’s a level of consciousness higher than independence — interdependence — where two strong, independent people come together to accomplish something greater than on their own.
Like marriage.
Therefore, women may want to up their "pre-screening" game. Use Google, Facebook, etc. beforehand and ask questions of friends you have in common with a potential suitor. There's more “social incest” going on behind the scenes than you know. Have healthy discussions before you waste your time on a date.
The dating arena is unlike anything that existed 15 years ago. Tinder, OKCupid, and MeetMe have ensured an inexhaustible supply of available "ready" men — not necessarily “marriage material.” A wise woman still understands the difference.
Be happy if you are spotting red flags early. And be prudent enough to pay for your own meal and step away from the table when you do.
Michelle Obama settled some of these issues for black women — in fact, all women — by example with Barack.
“If I had thought about who liked me and who thought I was cute when I was your age,” Michelle told the attendees at a 2015 conference, “I wouldn’t be married to the President of the United States today.”
If you want a “king,” be a queen.