It's Time to End the Sagging Pants Trend

Today I was walking behind two white guys -- both looked to be in their early twenties -- who were wearing jeans below their ass. I assume they were not on their way to work.

I'm generally indifferent to most stupid trends, styles, and fashions. Neck tattoos? Hey, who am I to judge? Earlobe stretching? Sure, why not? Donald Trump Make America Great Again baseball caps? Heck, it's a free country. But, seriously, we've got to put a stop to young men wearing their pants six inches before their waist. This is making the entire country look bad. A chain is only as strong as its weakest douche bag.

Pants are supposed to be worn at the waist. That's how they're designed. That's how they fit. It's like pulling up your sock to the middle of your foot, or wearing a shirt with only one arm in the sleeves. This is not being dressed; this is getting dressed. You're still in the midst of putting your clothes on properly. I mean- you're almost there. But you're not quite finished. Now, once you pull your pants all the way to the top of your waist... good, now you can leave the house and start your day.

There is nothing cool about wearing your jeans low. You're waddling in order to keep your pants from falling down and you think that looks cool? People want to be Batman or the Joker. Nobody wants to be the Penguin.

Old men wear their pants too high. Young men wear their pants too low. It's no wonder that men can't find a woman's erogenous zones. They can't even find their own waist!

My friends, this is not some foreign problem happening thousands of miles away. This is going on in our own backyard. These are our brothers, our sons, our teenage fathers. Our fellow Americans are walking around public looking like absolute f*cking idiots... and we're turning a blind eye. We're ignoring the reality, denying it, hoping that "somebody else" takes care of the problem. This is no different than global warming, except instead of seeing a decline in the polar bear population, we hope to see these low-jeans-wearing jerks being mauled by polar bears. The analogy fits perfectly... or at least it fits better than your jeans.

I mean, okay, I get it. A few kids thought it was edgy to wear jeans in a way that looked like they were pooping themselves while they walked. Nothing says "hard core" more than soiling yourself. That's why toddlers are the trendsetters of fashion. But when is this trend going to be over? How long is this going to last? Maybe their jeans are falling down because of the heavy flip phone and Dishwalla CD in their back pockets?

For those of you unsure where your jeans' highest body point should be, I've created an easy guide.

Clothing That Should Be Worn Above Your Genitals
- Shirts
- Hats
- Pants

Clothing That Should Be Worn Below Your Genitals
- Shoes
- Socks

I will soon be coming out with a list of clothing that should be worn on your genitals. The list might just surprise you.

Wearing pants so ridiculously low has deteriorated the culture and has made society so much worse that I'm surprised Apple didn't invent it.

I mean, in what situation would you take someone seriously when they are literally hold up their pants to prevent them from falling down? "Yes, Doctor, I'm ready for my surgery. Oh, and nice boxer shorts."

I'm pretty sure there's a direct correlation between successful people and those whose jeans are falling below their ass. Actually, I did a little research. The sagging pants trend started in prison. Do you know what fashion trend didn't start in jail? Literacy.

But we shouldn't be blaming the morons themselves. Yes, they look like total ass clowns, but they don't know any better. To wear jeans halfway to the end of your dick is simply another effect of the self-absorbed posting pictures of your meal on Facebook taking selfies at funerals letting children grade their teachers everyone gets a trophy political correctness pseudo-empowerment everyone gets to express themselves entitlement "me" society that we've indulged ourselves into creating. I mean, we can't tell someone he looks like a fool if there's no such thing as "foolish" anymore.

Like most pop culture trends, I assume that the kids will lose interest once the middle-aged squares start to do it. We're counting on you, Kanye.

In the meantime, though, I guess it's just an annoying part of society I have to accept. But to be clear- if you're trying to look tough by wearing your pants low, it's not working. Nobody has ever won a fight while their pants were falling down. That's probably why I'm such a big fan of The Incredible Hulk. He's the biggest badass around. And, defying the laws of physics, the Hulk's pants always stay on.