The Vatican recently released a document asking for Catholics to stop condemning homosexuals and instead embrace them with love and acceptance.
Whether you are a devout believer or a militant atheist, I think we can all agree that the Hippie in a Holy Hat that rules over these bleeding heart bishops has had one too many sips of the blood of Christ. Here are six reasons I am nailing to the church door explaining why Pope Francis will go down as this century's most un-Pope-ular successor of St. Peter.
He's Not a Team Player
Pope Francis has taken steps to change church doctrine and punish abusive priests, not to mention replacing his golden throne with a simple wooden chair that looks like it was made by some kind of humble carpenter or something.
This is America (okay, Rome), buddy! You pick your ideology and you stick to it! You don't stop rooting for your favorite athlete just because he has a bad game or knocks out a woman in an elevator. Catholics are not allowed to admit fault with Catholicism. Feminists are not allowed to watch Woody Allen movies. Fox News is not allowed to show compassion. Otherwise, we won't know who's on who's team, and will all have to play together.
He Isn't a Walking Punchline
Let's be honest; religion is a passing fad. The Pope should be like your Grandma -- sending you emails full of GIFs and Word Art that you can easily ignore.
He's supposed to be an old man speaking gibberish (Latin) that late night comedians can use to fill a couple minutes. If a Pope starts talking sense and being all... relevant... to modern times, he won't be funny anymore. Except for the Popemobile. No matter how much he removes the gilding of his décor, that bit will always be comedy gold.
He's Not a Smart Businessman
If you read the back of his cardinal rookie card, you know that Francis cut his teeth working with the poor. He now wants to totally re-evaluate how wealth is distributed around the world. Francis has said that his heart simply will not allow for the poor to suffer while the rich live so well.
Surprisingly, 1 percent parishioners are not pleased and have threatened to cut off their offerings.
Sounds like he's giving in to the demands of his heart a little too easily, like some kind of pre-teen female Pope star. If he would just show some gumption, I'm sure he could block out that little voice and start properly fleecing his flock. Just give it a try! You can do it! It's VatiCAN, not VatiCAN'T.
He Doesn't Have High Standards
He welcomes gay people. He accepts atheists. He even said he'd offer communion to E.T. If he was a dodge ball team captain, you know he would pick the fat kid with asthma.
When I'm flying first class, half the fun is knowing there are people behind me suffering in coach forced to watch Katherine Heigl try and find love. How can I enjoy heaven if ANYBODY can get in there just by being a good person? How many Hail Marys do I have to say to get a Heaven Preferred Card?
He'll Never Actually Change Anything...
...Thanks to us! Catholic conservatives have already denounced the liberals for this whole "love everyone the way Jesus would" nonsense. It has forced the drafters to slightly backtrack. 100% equality seems a little much, so they'll try to haggle down to a smaller number... how about 3/5ths?
It's comforting to know that no matter what their leader believes in, the rest of cardinals won't just take his word on faith. It's not like he's infallible.
So, Pope Francis can say all the kind words and pleas for tolerance he wishes, but in the end, he's just there to be a mascot for the church.
He is Scary
The worst part is that he's supposed to be the rock of the church, and it should take rocks millions of years to change -- not just a couple thousand.
Change is terrifying. When some guy suggested that we change the way we look at the universe, the church burned him at the stake. Doesn't that sound like a much more comforting place then one that accepts new ideas?!
The last thing I, as a Christian, want to do is follow the teachings of some peace loving radical who wants to shake up the world order using only caring and forgiveness.
Written by C.J. Tuor. This post originally appeared on The Second City Network.