Jail is the New Pregnant

In 6th grade, you couldn't quite figure out what it was that made her cool -- all you knew was that, and you didn't. And I'm pretty sure that's Nicole Richie.
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Nicole Richie is cool. No, really. She's like the girl in 6th grade who wore chipped blue nail polish and purple jeans, and all the boys had crushes on. She might have even worn a bra. And in 6th grade, you couldn't quite figure out what it was that made her cool -- all you knew was that she knew, and you didn't. And I'm pretty sure that's Nicole Richie.

Now that I'm not in 6th grade (but I still wear blue nail polish to feel cool), I think I have a better idea of what it is she's got. Let's talk style: She makes hippie head scarves look awesome in a way that they never have before, and never will again. She still wears the Balenciaga motorcycle bag, and somehow, it doesn't look dunzo, it looks "I wore this bag months before anyone else, and I'll wear it for as long as I damn well want to". And besides being Rachel Zoe-ified for a hot second, Nicole definitely does her own thing.

But let's not forget way back in 2003 when she used to look like this. And wear things like this. She embraced the trash. I mean, I'm pretty sure I can say that she (once) did trash better than Britney. Bold statement, I know.

I kind of have to give her credit for her complete and utter disregard for "trends". By all accounts (and, in the interest of disclosure, all accounts = my account), 2003 was the year of baby-making. Everyone was doing it. It was hip to be whale. Between Kate Hudson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, and Julia Roberts, there was a pregnancy pandemic. If you sneezed wrong, there was a chance you were pregnant. But Nicole Richie? Definitively, and thankfully, not pregnant. (Seriously, this? Pregnant? Yikes). She was so not pregnant, that while Kate and Gwynnie and Reese were squeezing 'em out, Nicole went ahead and checked herself into rehab. Rehab! Before it was cool! Before Lindsay and Wonderland! Before Lindsay and Promises! Before Britney and Promises! Heck, before everyone and your mother and Britney and Lindsay and Promises!

Nicole Richie. So cool. She does rehab when you're supposed to do pregnant. She does 'rexic when you're supposed to do rehab, and she does Balenciaga when you're supposed to do I'm Not A Plastic Bag.

Do you see where I'm going with this? Here's where I'm going with this. What's hot right now? Jail. Jail is hot. Jail is the new pregnant. (Zinger!) Paris went to jail. Lindsay is either in jail, or hopefully (please, god) going. Eve went to jail. Even Michelle Rodriguez (who's not that cool) went to jail. And what does Nicole Richie do? The double whammy! Just jail? Pshaw. Challenge her next time. Sure, she'll do time. And for a nice, classic, Jackie-O twist on the whole thing, she'll do time while she's pregnant.

Pregnancy is kinda like a little black dress. It never really goes out of style. And jail, well, jail is like Ray Ban Wayfarer's. Wayfarer's are everywhere. And without the right accoutrements, they have the potential to look like this. And if you're 99% of the world, you better get ready to chuck 'em come September. But not when you're Nicole Richie. When you're Nicole Richie, you pair Wayfarers with your Little Black Dress, and voila!

So if you're still following me here (congratulations!), what I'm saying is that Nicole Richie is the new Audrey Hepburn, and if being pregnant in the big house is wrong, then I don't want to be right. You heard it here first, folks!

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