I'm so excited I can't wait 'til it's finished, so I prayed to Jesus for an advance look, and my prayers were answered! Here's a few (exclusive!) hints, some of which Dobson hasn't even written yet, only Jesus knows he's going to:
Bonding With Your Newborn: First thing: hit him right on the head with the Bible, just to give him an idea of what's in store. Also it's a great way to begin his personal relationship with Jesus Christ!
About Rods: Everybody knows you have to have a rod, but where to get them? Fortunately, Focus on the Family has a wide variety you can buy, including simple aluminum rods which are cheap and won't break, and more traditional wooden ones, from inexpensive pine rods all the way up to top-of-the-line mahogany, like The Focus-On-the-Family Slugger. See our website for details!
Learning to Read: The Bible, of course. Use your rod (see above) to teach the fundamentals. But don't leave your child alone with the Bible, because he might read some parts which require parental guidance, like, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." And then, "Depart from me, ye cursed into everlasting fire, prepared for the Devil and his angels: For I was an hungered, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not." As Ricky used to say, "Lucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do!"
Sex Education: Gently teach your curious youngster (aren't they all so curious!) that Jesus wants him or her to have heterosexual sex when they're married, for procreation. As my great grandmother explained to my grandmother, "Once a year, a man uses a woman like a toilet." 'Nuff said!
The Wrong Kind of Sex: We're all sinners, in fact we're all carrying Satan around on our backs, he whispers Bad Thoughts into our ears, he fondles our breasts, and slides his tail around our genitals, filling us with unclean thoughts. So we're in no position to cast the first stone! In fact, leaning down to pick up a stone, much less cast it, would be really awkward with Satan on our backs like he is. Still, to be frank, homosexual sex is an unnatural act, abhorred by Jesus. The Good News is that you can be cured! Just ask Ted Haggart!
Well, that's just a flavor of what Jesus showed me so far. I'm really looking forward to the rest of it! But first, I have to take my rod, and go into the family room, where I think I hear some sinfulness coming from the TV.